Will Smith is really talented. So’s his dame. From what I have heard so are his kids. That’s excellent, really. Congratulations to them.

Why their 9 year-old Willow Smith [at the time of recording] already has an autotune heavy single out about whipping her hair and a record contract with Jay-Z is simple: She needs the money.

It’s not easy being born with the platinum spoon in the mouth of your personal mouthspooner while armies of assistants make sure that lint comes nowhere near your person. I’ve been told they’re working on a deal with the moon to allow for it to be a little brighter over their house.

Yes I’m being facetious.

Will Smith’s empire is growing in leaps and bounds, the latest concussion coming in the form of a partnership with supermogul Jay-Z (real name: the much more cool Shawn Corey Carter) to make products/movies that will in essence redefine the word Success.

The firstborn to this union? A remake/adaptation/re-imagining of Little Orphan Annie. Or rather the amazing broadway show [simply called Annie] that I actually saw during its first run in 1977. I had a massive crush on Andrea McArdle. I was about six years old but I wanted to give her everything I had. I could bray ‘The Hard Knock Life’ like it was no one’s business. And it wasn’t.

Annie is ripe for constant rebooting [that isn’t an orphan abuse joke though it should have been]. There have already been two mediocre screen adaptations and the musical nature of the project lends itself to the hip-hop world. I fear what will come out of it, but it’s good business. Very good business. I will go out on a limb here and say that if they make Annie with Willow Smith and the full force of her dad and Jay-Z it’ll make Jaden’s karate flick piss its gi.

To summarize: I’m fucking jealous of Will Smith, his success, and the fact his kids could use a week’s allowance to buy me and have me disappeared from the world.