The List of Dumb #72

What follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond. Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may tickle your fancy.

1.They’ve lowered their standards…

What would the Criterion edition of Christmas in Canaan include? A gatefold illustration by Wes Anderson’s brother on how to properly shoot yourself in the mouth with a shotgun without messing up and surviving?

2. Well that’s news to Mr. Ford.

“Is your name German?”

“Well it’s just… well your license plate says ‘GERMAN’. Are you a German person?”

3. Two words that truly do not go together.

First of all, that image is totally copped from Swamp Thing. Secondly, the one thing I was pretty glad we wouldn’t have to endure in the overblown zombie craze is the thing that has made the overblown vampire craze such a terror. Romance. Doesn’t emotion negate the whole point? Oh why am I even bothering trying to bring logic into this…

4. And the saddest car name is…

Such an innocuous little name for a car. It’s so middle of the road. It’s a sad little car. It barely made it out of the factory. Its tires are so heavy. Its seats are like lead, weighing it down with hardship and ass. But it wants to drive. It wants to ride you around town. It really likes you but it’s just such a hard world. I think maybe the car is going to go lock itself in the garage and stay running for a while. Even though it wants to smile… it just can’t. It hopes someone will attend its funeral.

5. Funny. Doesn’t LOOK like my dick.

It’s gone from funny to odd to Orwellian the lengths to which America will paint smokers in an unfavorable public light. Next: A giant arrow that says ‘REAPER FOOD’.

6. Either decorate or don’t.

I’m sure there are corporate mandates about being in the Christmas spirit but nothing inspires a complete lack of confidence in your financial institution better than this meager attempt at decorating. You might as well leave razor blades and Sylvia Plath books on the damn table.

Pardon me if I accidentally photographed the Dinklage living room unknowingly.

7. I wish.

Just sayin’.

8. Just Enough, actually. Just Enough to make me hate you.

What is this, a statement on the owner’s frivolous spending? Is it a statement against the cost Chevy demands for their Corvette? Does this car belong to a descendant of Cassius? Either way, the license plate is dumb. If the car is too much, don’t buy it. If you’re an overspender, shining a light on the fact does nothing for it. If you were involved in the betrayal of Caesar, SHHHHHHHHHH!

9. Immaculate Application.

What would Doodle Jump Christ’s gameplay mechanics consist of? Dodging Pilate’s men, healing the living shit out of people, or roaming the countryside improving shit? I’m sure it’d be some sort of God game. My hope: Roaming modern America and whacking people abusing your name, your book, and people’s willingness to succumb to hollow promises from regular men and women.

10. Pazuzu’s cousin.

Bazuza’s a lesser demon. He doesn’t possess you and make your head spin and crotch get crucifixated. He shows up near you and coughs loudly when you’re trying to read. He makes bottle caps fall under the stove. He blows pollen at you when it’s going slightly to the left of you. He tries to make more rain hit you as you walk briskly to your car. He blows on your food to make it cold. He convinces you to buy a Volkswagen even though you can afford an Infiniti.

11. H8TED

“I’m the one who was created. Unlike every other one of you who simply appeared on the highway!”

11. Well I hop you crash into Dr. Giggles.

There is no way this person isn’t a cock.

Best case: Dude used to drive a Bentley with the ‘DRMONEY’ plate. He got jackhammered by the stock market, got divorced because he failed Earth, and now has the tag (illegally no less) on a GMC Yukon.

Worst case: Dude’s successful and humble and thusly drives a family vehicle rather than a status symbol and is a totally good person.

11. Get ready to do it for your life.

If you like to Bike For Fun so much… get out of the fuckin’ car!

11. The Apocalypse is HERE.

Look at her face. Look at it! That was the best photo they could come up with?

She looks like she’s hating Jews or something.

By the way:

Message Board Thread.