Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which upcoming movies look like Hitler Turds (turds that waste no energy being anywhere except directly beneath your nose). In honor of this profound art, which I partake in from time to time, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, a weekly examination of upcoming movie commercials: what they say, what they don’t say, and what they say accidentally about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.

This week’s entry:
Tornado Alley
(Giant Screen Films; Dir. Sean Casey)

A long time ago I made a film called Twister which I discussed here. It was a pretty good movie for its time. We like Alien disasters these days, but back then it was all about scary mother nature, and Twister was one naturally scary mother. It had a flying cow.

Apparently, someone decided to make a sequel. This seems like a bad idea to me for several reasons. One, Twister was really about the manly relationship between Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton, and Helen Hunt died at the end, so how do you continue that story? This trailer’s answer: keep Bill Paxton on as a struggling, grief-paralyzed narrator. Okay, that’s actually a pretty good idea.

Two, Twister was really about Nadoes that fuck shit up in excitingly windy ways, and Bill Paxton killed them all at the end, so how do you continue that story? This trailer’s answer: make it a whole failed-legacy thing. Okay, that’s a pretty good idea too. Consider me sold.

This movie really illustrates the difference between now and the mid 90’s. Rather than go all out awesome like before, this is another in a long line of fake documentaries like now. That means we can look forward to boring minutiae, really unlikeable characters, and exactly three awesome shots of Nadoes. Also, check out the stormchasermobile. Back in the day, when we ripped-off famous movie cars they looked like penises, not fucking tanks.

The Setup
So there’s this guy named Sean Casey who not only stars in the film but wrote and directed it as well, which should automatically negate how badass he may look. I think he’s supposed to be Bill and Helen Paxton’s son. Like them, he’s got a big Nadoe boner. The plot given to us in the trailer seems pretty straightforward: Casey only goal is to drive his Batmobile into an archNadoe, so he can shoot computers into it. If all goes well, the archNadoe will get addicted to tumbler and calm down forever.

He’s got a crew with him, but I highly doubt they’re as fun to watch as Phillip Seymore Hoffman, Alan Ruck, Jeremy Davies, and Todd Field. Sorry, but when it comes to quirky background ensembles, the mid 90’s have all other mid-decades trumped. I see a girl…I think I saw a guy…maybe a couple more guys. Honestly I think the only real crew member in this one is his whirling satellite, named A.L.F.R.E.D. and voiced by Kevin Pollak’s impression of Albert Brooks doing a snooty British accent.

The Problem
The archNadoe gets wise that someone from the dreaded Paxton bloodline hunts it, so it hides out in the only available place: Tornado Alley the one bar in the world where Tornadoes can just sit around and let their guts stick out. No one goes in there because that many Nadoes, especially when cornered like that, can rip a whole in the world.

But Casey’s a hotshot, so he’s gonna go in there and get his archNadoe, whether it rips a whole in the world or not. Like a videogame character, Casey must drive through the alley, taking out one Nadoe at a time until he gets his archNadoe. Working against him is a countdown, which he can alleviate by running over gas tanks.

Looking back on this synopsis, I see that the “problem” in this movie belongs to the Nadoes. They’re fucked. This guy has a fake Batmobile and a chip on his shoulder.

The Solution
No more Nadoes. Which means no more storm chasers. Which mean volunteer firefighters will have to go back to amateur wrestling. Which means lonely wives will start making out again. Which means Tornado Alley is a fine film that can change the world.

The poster says this coming to theaters in March, but I think it means those really big IMAX screens they sometimes have at museums and zoos. Twister never played on one of those screens, I can tell you that. Twister doesn’t even know what an IMAX is.