Hallowe’en is approaching fast, so it’s important that I impart on
you some vital information that could make the difference between
whether you have a killer Hallowe’en… or a Phyllis Diller Hallowe’en
(trust me, no one wants a Phyllis Diller Hallowe’en; I’ve seen pictures
and it’s downright frightening).
Last year I came into some prize items
at a horror convention shindig. Let me remind you: it was a
brisk, autumn evening. I was dressed as some character from a series of
movies that a couple people have seen. I raised a few eyebrows. I won
some stuff. The end.
Only it’s not the end. See, one of those prizes (if you actually read my stuff
remember) was that life-size, cardboard standee of Freddy Krueger.
Well, needless to say he found a warm cozy spot in the Sturges Compound
rather quickly:
As you can see, he is quite happy standing under his street sign in
our foyer/dining room/entrance to the kitchen/walkway to the stairs/post
you have to go around to get to the downstairs bathroom. From there,
he is free to greet anyone who is foolish enough to come into our home
through our front door.
This would include the Missus.
This leads me to today’s lesson, kids – How to Scare the Bejeezus Out
of Your Loved One(s) with Your Life-Sized Freddy Krueger Standee
Appropriately and Responsibly (or HSBOYLOYLSFKSAR for short). This is
part two of a three-part series. If you haven’t completed part one yet,
please turn the record over and begin on side A.
Let’s begin (click on the images to see them larger):
Step 1:
Always make sure your loved one is greeted warmly from the bushes
when they come home from work. They have had a long, rough day, and a
simple hello from a severely burned child-murderer is just the thing to
lift their spirits:
And remember – daytime is okay, but night time is generally better, as it reduces glare.
Step 2:
When your loved one brings in the mail, make sure that they are shown
exactly how appreciated their efforts are. A simple, razor-gloved
greeting can make all the difference between having your post handed to
you lovingly… or being tossed to you in a screaming, violent frenzy:
Step 3:
Sometimes, it’s important for your Freddy standee to have friends
over so that your loved one doesn’t feel so lonely on those cold, late
nights when she’s home alone. Having both of them there together
provides the type of company that tells your loved one, “We’ll always be
here whenever you turn around.”:
Step 4:
Ever run out of TP before you were finished? With your Freddy
standee, this doesn’t have to be a problem for your loved ones anymore.
The Dream Master will make sure you always have an extra roll handy… or
two for those extra…“surprises”:
Step 5:
Everybody loves ninjas (except those blasted pirate-lovers). What
better way to show your loved one that you are a fun person who is
up-to-date on the latest stealth techniques than by teaching your Freddy
standee the art of ninja. With a few quick and easy lessons (available
where the HSBOYLOYLSFKSAR album series is sold), you’ll have your
sweater-clad menace descending from the rafters with ease for a rousing,
family-friendly game of hide-and-seek:
Step 6:
What better way to top off the end of a long day then to have your
homicidal nightmare help your loved ones with chores before bedtime.
From doing the dishes to mowing the lawn to helping your loved ones put
their laundry away in the closet, your loved one will be extremely
grateful to have the free time to relax before a solid night of restful
sleep:
And there you have it! Take it from me, two-time
Bejeezus-scaring champion Donnie Sturges – follow these six steps, and you’ll
find yourself becoming a master Bejeezus-scarer in no time with your
Life-Sized Freddy Krueger Standee.
Then you’ll find yourself sleeping on the couch.