Greetings from beyond the grave!
I spent the last few weeks pretending to be dead, and boy howdy was it fun. Granted, in my version of the afterlife, the recently deceased can drink heavily, so everything worked out pretty well. Met God and all that. And by God, I meant a random poster of Richard Grieco I found that I swear started to talk to me after my third day of bacchanalia.
So how have things been with you loyal readers? Well, I take it? That’s good. Has that rash cleared up? ‘Cause if so, we’ve got some catching up to do.
Now you might have heard some rumors that I’m currently employed by a fast food chain. Where you heard said rumors, I have no freaking idea. But we live in the internet age, and I have a sneaking suspicion that all my technological devices are sentient. Just a hunch.
Well, these rumors are true. I’m serving up healthy, nutritious grease to my town in the hopes of raising money to go back to college. You might not have known this, but I left higher education with but six hours left. I then spent my free time stumbling around and being a huge loser. And I mean HUGE. Like 300 pounds huge. And this, after spending the last two years of high school getting in pretty good shape.
Well no longer! I’m on a pretty good diet/exercise gig and making strides to return to the world looking better than ever. I’m also writing a sequel to Coyote Ugly set at a dude ranch. You know you want to see it.
But where’s our Crank 2 review you ask? I’ll give you this much – It’ll be here before Halloween. I swear on your mother’s grave (And if she’s not dead, I’ll kill the bitch). I was phenomenally lazy before. But now add “really busy” to that as well and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Another recipe for disaster? Tequila and chocolate pudding.
Anyway, join me next time when we discuss the nature of the Yeti and how he impacted the final season of Saved by the Bell.