THE LIST OF DUMB #69

What

follows
is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase
the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks
who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should
find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of
the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another
installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle
your fancy.

1. The lice hate the sugar.

I don’t think this product is all that essential. I went online and procured the recipe for hummingbird food:

1 cup pure granulated sugar
4 cups hot boiling water

Then again, we buy millions of gallons of bottled water so maybe the secret to business success is redundancy. You can spend hard earned Mesetas on Pure Hummer Sugar (which sounds like something Lily Thai subsists on) or learn to boil water.

Choose wisely.

2. The Squirrel Sybian!

Look, I’m all for a woodland creature getting their rocks off but I don’t like having to see the apparatus they use. This little asspussy jabber should be one of nature’s private secrets.

Like goatsuckers and ice werewolves.

3. Um, II…

This sign exists because someone wasn’t convinced.

Maybe they thought that the C stood for Candy Water and the H stood for Health Water. And then their hands were burned clean off in a counterproductive effort to get in shape.

What if we entered a world when we wake up tomorrow where this kind of redundancy was necessary due to rampant stupidity?

Oh.

4. “But first, lick the thrifty sweetmonkey.”

There is no reality where this sentence doesn’t freak me the fuck out. Especially since it’s such an imperative. A simple ‘please’ would have made all the difference.



5. That’s a deceiving box.

I’m not convinced. There may be six or seven hundred thousand burgers in there, which I doubt… but there’s still over a hundred million burgers unaccounted for.

6. “So I have to return them and never let go?”

Hard to believe there’s a poorly executed idea at a place where people stare at themselves in mirrors while they do the same thing over and over again.

7. “On Black Friday I was first in line to get sick as fuck.”

Braggarts. Wal-Mart at least has the decency to keep the fact it’s a cesspool secret.

Disgusting single-celled organisms whose only concern is to multiply and dilute the quality of the Earth, spreading their disease on shelves and floors and picked-through casualwear. And that’s the nice shit I have to say about Wal-Mart patrons.

I spent Thanksgiving in Wilmington, NC. I can only imagine the Lovecraftian things that oozed through the Wal-Mart there on Friday morning. Luckily I was safely tucked away in my matching clothes and somewhat normal hygienic choices. Dollars to donuts there was at least one of each of these Primordial Oddities present at the local Wal-Mart on Black Friday:

1. An asscrack/thricebelly safely unhidden and bursting over the top of stirrup pants. Muffintop? No, four bakeries squeezing out of that nightmare. I HAVE SEEN THIS AT WAL-MART BEFORE.
2. People completely not caring that they are shopping in pajamas. I HAVE SEEN THIS AT WAL-MART BEFORE.
3. Denim overalls. Nothing underneath. I HAVE SEEN THIS AT WAL-MART BEFORE.
4. A family of nine proudly chaired by parents who can’t afford one but whose religion hates condoms.
5. 8 men who look like Santa Claus but without the Polar excuse.

I love most of you, but if you live in a place where Wal-Mart is Mecca, you simply have to move.

8. Eat your heart out, every famous person!

This reminds me of John C. Reilly’s character from Stepbrothers for some reason. It’s something that guy would do.

But you have to give it to One Man Kru, he doesn’t just have one career. He wrestles AND records Hip Hop. Most of us can only do one of those things amazingly.

9. Who is this made for? And why is he holding his shirt up?

I am intentionally blind and deaf regarding Jersey Shore. I know it’s a sensation and I know I could only hate it so I have avoided even the cursory knowledge about what it is. But what I THINK I know is that anyone who is a fan of it should at least chronologically be above sticker activity age. Not intellectually. I assume most fans of such things had their brains atrophy right in the middle of sticker/Pokemon/play-doh age, but this seems to be aimed squarely at the gentleman at the bottom of this article.

10. Our town’s really progressive.

I find it very hard to drive straight through here.

11. She’s the Belle with the Balls!

Well we know where Little Mermaid dickposterpainter got transferred to at Disney.

By
the way:

Message Board Thread.