As you can read here and here and here and here and here, my good friend, The Paranormal Activity Demon, is on a worldwide mission to find his lost love, the big-breasted lady from Paranormal Activity. He keeps me updated on his search via letters, which he’s requested I publish on CHUD. This appears to be his final letter.

Dear (via Sam Strange),

The woman who lives next door to Katie and Micah’s old house toyed with the wrong Demon. She knew my mission and attempted to deter me for her own sad needs. I must find Katie. Nothing can overcome that. I love her. She has very elegant gigantic breasts. I can’t get them out of my head. They’ve been haunting me for years.

But something’s wrong with her. And I don’t know where she is. She could be in danger right now, standing around watching the wrong person sleep all night. I need to be out there looking for her, but instead I’m looking at pornographic magazines and watching a stupid television program with a lonely old lady who looks like a hair sandwich. Perhaps I’m a little innocent and naive as Demons go. But I’m still a Demon.

This woman purposefully blocked her television whenever a certain commercial came on. I thought it was weird but didn’t press it because I’d been drugged by pancakes and sweat pants. But then, just once, she fell asleep during Sex in the City. And I saw it. It looked like this:

There she was. Katie. I’d almost forgotten what she looked like. Unless the trailer utilizes misleading chronology, this found footage proves she’s still out there. Seeing her again had a profound affect on me. It brought back more than just my drive and intellect. I regained my sense of self, which forced me to face how far I’d fallen, how far I’d been led astray. My anger was uncontrollable, not that I tried. It set the house ablaze. Maybe the sleeping women escaped; maybe she didn’t. I am 1/10000000000 of Legion, so I don’t really give a shit.

The episode of Sex in the City we were watching was about four spoiled women who walk over the less fortunate while complaining about $10,000 a day withdraw limits on their ATM cards. I’ve quickly grown to hate these women. In fact, their shallow, coddled outlooks on life only highlighted why I find Katie so precious. I can remember how Katie would come home from school and smell her own socks. She’d eat pizza and wipe her fingers on her pajama shirt. She never worried about appearances or class, and that gave her all the class in the world. Also, you could add up all eight Sex in the City breasts, and you’d still only have half a Katie. She was very very blessed.

I am energizes and ready to do real work for her. Some Demon other than myself has clearly entered her life. Whatever she’s doing now, it can’t be good. I have to find her. I have to go see this movie. Perhaps it can offer clues about her current whereabouts. If nothing else, just seeing her again will be worth any trial. I’ll have to be careful not to burn down the theater.

Wish me luck Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explain myself. If you do hear anything, please don’t hesitate to email me: My new determination is sincere. I shant be deterred again. That means no writing. I’ll never forget your heartfelt support.

The Paranormal Activity Demon