Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which upcoming movies look like Hitler Turds (turds that waste no energy being anywhere except directly beneath your nose). In honor of this profound art, which I partake in from time to time, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, a weekly examination of upcoming movie commercials: what they say, what they don’t say, and what they say accidentally about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.

This week’s entry:
Cars 2
(Pixar; Dir. John Lasseter)

There’s no available video for this one. You’ll have to see it over at apple.core or whatever the hell. It’s only thirty seconds of graphics, though, so I wouldn’t bother.

Cars 2 is the new production from Pixar Studios, the people responsible for such classic animated films as The Ant Bully, The Ant Bully 2, The Ant Bully 3D, and The Ant Bully: Zero (in 3D). This time they just went ahead and made a sequel because more people go see those anyway.

The Set Up
The movie’s called Cars 2, and they’re really not fucking around with that title. The characters are cars and there are 2 of them. One’s a race car named Steve McQueen. The other’s a tow truck named Fucking Drag.

I’m a little confused about what’s going on with these automobiles. They’re either cars with people faces or people with car asses. No one drives them, so I guess they’re like Transformers but only the lame half. What kind of shit can these characters really get into? They’re don’t even have arms.

The Problem
Instead of racing around and towing broken cars, these two things are secret agents of some kind. The trailer’s big motif is those security lasers we littered movies with ten years ago. If I recall correctly, Spielberg put a moratorium on that shit after Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but what do I know. I only make around twelve movies annually and none of them are called Cars 2.

I have to assume this film will include at least one scene where cars with human faces but no legs contort their clunky bodies around security lasers. Whatever, it’s not impossible. The trailer makes mention of highly advanced technology, so maybe the cars will get cool exoskeletons for all that laser hopping. Or maybe they’re cut off their car faces and just weld them to robots. Or maybe the cars will just hire some people. That’s what I’d do if I was only a face.

The Solution
The car things are going to find whatever they’re looking for. The racing car will probably hurt the other car’s feelings at some point, but he’ll feel bad and learn to not be a dick. There will also likely be healthy doses of parkour and bullet-time and characters who speak like Chandler.

I’m a big fan of dumb bullshit. If someone wants to make a movie where talking cars go on secret missions and jump lasers with their wheels and shit, I’m more than thankful to only lose ten bucks for the privilege of seeing something so uniquely stupid. I’ll especially be happy if any cars hump each other, even if it’s just a dog car on a normal car’s leg.