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STUDIO: CHEMICAL BURN
MSRP: $19.95
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 80 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
• Movie on disc twice in a row(!?)
• Short: “A Road Kill Cautionary Tale”
The Pitch
“Hey, Brewster, have your nephew whip up some cover art that will sell in the sucker-bins at a dollar store. Oh yeah, and I guess we should make a movie to put inside it, too.”
The Humans
…such that they are… Jonathan Ash, Brett Behrens, Reed Booth. There were more, but those are enough people to hate my guts when they find this article via self-Googling.
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
The Nutshell
A Bisbee, Arizona native finds a makeshift grave and barbecue pit while checking in on his peyote crop. Clearly, Bisbee has a cannibal club that must be stopped via the hoarding of cell phones and guns. This is not me reducing the plot to be clever; it is the actual story progression.
Mitsubishi’s liberal product-placement policy kept taking me right out of the movie!
A trip to the lone iMac at the local library immediately confirms that cannibals are only preying on vegetarians. This is important to the theme of the piece because of – hey look! Dead animals! Herrherrherr…
The Lowdown
If you are reading this review without stopping every third word to crap in your hand or masturbate to bootlegged bumfighting videos (or both simultaneously – God gave us two hands, after all), then I can already safely inform you that you are too lucid of a thinker to enjoy this 80 minutes of near-complete garbage. There’s your pull-quote, Chemical Burn Entertainment! You’re welcome!
The only expensive set in the movie.
Watching The Bisbee Cannibal Club is like spending an hour inside of Rob Zombie’s brain. It’s all grime, violence, hillbillies, bad music and incompetence marketed as rawness. The fact that any human being could see this as entertainment makes me just a little bit sad about the eradication of Smallpox.
Just when I was trying to contemplate what combination of words to use in order to fairly assess this effort (and to be fair, it did require effort – written, shot and edited movies don’t just spontaneously generate for armchair directors like myself to tear apart) a decapitated cat appears on screen for laughs. For laughs. A real, freshly dead cat (if it’s not, then that’s where 128% of the effects budget went) with what appears to be a bullet-wound. Aaaaaaand there went my sense of charity.
If I am to dredge my memory for something positive to say about this movie, it is that I chuckled after one of the victims (though I consider myself the real victim here) was bludgeoned with a plastic bat, and then the actors playing the assailants missed their high-five, socking each other in the face before playing it off to complete the scene, presumably before the night manager at that particular Zayre realized that they’d snuck in to film a cannibal movie.
The Package
Research I have performed (yes, I research this shit, Constant Reader) indicates that my disc was possibly just a screener. As I type this, the disk appears in my DVD drive as “Untitled Project”. Oooooh… can you feel the indie rawness? So no Road Kill short film, thank Jesus or your deity of choice. But let’s take a look at what they gave me, shall we?
Maybe one to leave off the resume, Jeff.
For starters, the entire “feature” was scaled to about 75% actual size. I’ve seen letterboxed movies, but this one was mail-slotted! Hey-oh! Also, the movie appears twice in a row on the disc, with some random scenes in between. Picture and sound are both dreadfully poor (though to be fair, the only way to remedy blown-out exposures from windows is to read the troubleshooting section in the camcorder manual). Stray frames pop up in unrelated scenes. Speech is often too low to hear.
Basically, aside from the fact that a tripod was occasionally used, imagine the worst-case scenario of a camcorder in the wrong hands, especially if the wrong hands are your cousin Eric, who has a beard in the fifth grade.
0.1 out of 10