LISTS REBORN: THE FORGOTTEN MONSTERS OF FILMLAND

It’s no secret that CHUD has entered a new era.  We’re moving forward and growing by leaps and bounds and we’ve already started bringing you the awesome with more surprises in store.  But, while we’re all for celebrating the long life of the New Flesh, it never hurts to take a look back and celebrate the things we’ve done in the past.  Things like Lists.  They’re a tremendous part of CHUD’s identity and we’ve lost count of how many of you guys have cited them as the reason you got on board with us in the first place.  We’ve done a lot of them – some forgotten, some still mentioned in almost every forum discussion – all of them fun.  So we’re bringing them back.  And what better time than now that our first list under the new regime is well under-way?  So – every Friday we’ll publish a freshly-put-together index of every list we’ve ever done – our Remastered Special Editions, if you will.  Plus, we’ll have a few surprises along the way.  So, without further ado…

Frankenstein’s Monster. Dracula. Freddy Krueger. Leatherface. Godzilla. Henry Kissinger. These are some of the monsters whose names get evoked every year at Halloween, the monsters with the highest Q ratings and maybe their own personal publicists. But there are many more monsters out there, monsters who kill, terrorize and stalk their prey far outside of the limelight. For the next few weeks, we’re going to be paying tribute to these Forgotten Monsters of Filmland.

Some of these monsters are just a successful film away from making the mainstream. Some were more popular years ago and have fallen out of favor. Some are just sort of utterly bizarre. Some of these monsters will be familiar to the loyal readers of CHUD.com, while others will make just about everybody scratch their head. All of them deserve more love. That’s where we come in.

Day One
Choice Pullquote:  “Misquamacus is the real deal when it comes to Native Americans: tiny, full of hate and resembling a sebaceous cyst. This is why the white man had to come to America equipped with smallpox blankets.” – Devin Faraci

Day Two
Choice Pullquote:  “Show me a more perfect, uncompromised and truthful visualization of the creative process and I’ll show you the clitoris of Dyanne Thorne, which was narrowly voted out of this spot on the list.” – Russ Fischer

Day Three
Choice Pullquote:  “He’s especially popular with the ladies, this guy, as he can change at will from Latin lover to life ingester.” – Alex Riviello

Day Four
Choice Pullquote:  “Warning:  Objects in the mirror are WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING OBJECT?” – Nick Nunziata

Day Five
Choice Pullquote:  “Clambering out of an abandoned silver mine and into your heart, the Boogen is an adorable lil’ fella starved for attention and human flesh.” – Jeremy Smith

Day Six
Choice Pullquote:  “The annals of film contain many gruesome, horrifying zombie moments. But few are as deeply stomach churning as watching Louis Creed tongue wrestle with his dead wife as her eyeball goo oozes right INTO HIS MOUTH. Ugh. “ – Devin Faraci

Day Seven
Choice Pullquote:  “When your uncle with a cock like a flamethrower is skeeving on the last honest gypsy girl in town, it’s easy to overlook what’s going on in the colon of your house.” – Russ Fischer

Day Eight
Choice Pullquote:  “Like the Holocaust, Maximum Overdrive must never be forgotten on principle. The soda machine, though, should be remembered for its good sense of humor – before killing the coach with a well placed can to the dome, it nails him in the balls.” – Devin Faraci

Day Nine
Choice Pullquote:  “They have no mouths yet they drink men.  Do I have to draw a fuckin’ schematic?” – Nick Nunziata.

Day Ten
Choice Pullquote:  “The trailer was pulled after parents complained that it was giving their kids nightmares. Critics didn’t know what to make of it and gave it mixed reviews. Dummies staged mass protests in the streets while their partners drank glass after glass of water.” – Alex Riviello

Day Eleven
Choice Pullquote:  “He’s all throughout his debut film, battling an inexplicably gigantic Frankenstein’s monster all around town jumping around and digging and firing heat rays until the world gets smart and swallows the two half-cocked creations into its gaping dirty mouth crevice.” – Nick Nunziata

Day Twelve
Choice Pullquote:  “When so many of Midian’s rent-payers are goofy and easy to write off as a cheap gag, this mon makes a case for himself as a genuine personality. He gets prime real estate in the plot and looks great shaking his dreads, either in the graveyard or on the dance floor.” – Russ Fischer

Day Thirteen
Choice Pullquote:  “Also, he’s totally gross looking and he tries to chestfuck Nathan Fillion.” – Devin Faraci

Day Fourteen
Choice Pullquote:  “This movie is a FUCKED UP thing. Little Otik, however… is a fuckin’ PIMP. Lil’ flammable bastard is a beast of the ages.” – Nick Nunziata

Day Fifteen
Choice Pullquote:  “There are tons of monsters in this underrated b-movie, but this one’s the best. He doesn’t do much but beat the shit out of an old man, but you can’t fault him for that. Those tricky kids had rocks.” – Alex Riviello

Day Sixteen
Choice Pullquote:  “But Pinker himself deserves some love – for the love of Pete, it’s Mitch Pileggi doing some kind of DeNiro in Cape Fear thing… two years before Cape Fear!” – Devin Faraci

Day Seventeen
Choice Pullquote:  “As a result, this would-be devourer of a movie star in decline is gone almost as soon as he surfaces; and it’s a shame because if there’s one thing the flagging middle section of Waterworld could’ve used, it’s a famished, pissed-off sea monster.” – Jeremy Smith

Choice Pullquote:  “He’s Frankenstein with an afro. That’s all I got.” – Devin Faraci

Day Nineteen
Choice Pullquote:  “Also, the poster motifs were perhaps too subtle, one having the Inseminoid standing over a naked women seemingly staring at her pussy with a claw against his lips as if wondering “Just how hard am I going to rape this dame?” and the other being a fantastic piece of artwork depicting a bound woman screaming towards us while the Inseminoid baby emerges from her spread legs towards two terrified terraformers with lasers seemingly shooting out of her vagina towards them.” – Nick Nunziata

Day Twenty
Choice Pullquote:  “Of course soon dozens of Munchies are running around town, eating anything and everyone they come across, and even doing John Belushi impressions when they see a woman’s panties. These guys like to fucking PARTY. And eat. But mostly party.” – Alex Riviello

Day Twenty-One
Choice Pullquote:  “Honestly, anyone who has seen John Triton (in ‘real’ life known as gimmick rocker (and Canadian) John Mikl Thor), dressed in a leather diaper with his hair teased to the sky, grasping at these starfish and holding them against his own oily, sweaty flesh will never forget them. Or have normal sexual habits.” – Devin Faraci

Day Twenty-Two
Choice Pullquote:  “This proves that print is dead and books are for pussies who ride in the front of the bus.” – Russ Fischer

Day Twenty-Three
Choice Pullquote:  “It’s from an old Disney cartoon, and was the scariest thing you ever saw, so frightening to your mind as a little kid that it was soon shoved into the back to protect you.” – Alex Riviello

Day Twenty-Four
Choice Pullquote:  “The Shadow knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, but he soon also finds out what sharp shit lies in their hands when the villainous Khan unleashes this living knife on his ass.” – Nick Nunziata

Day Twenty-Five & The Epilogue
Choice Pullquote:  “It ain’t easy being a Brundle – nor is it a party being “mottled and awful”, ‘cuz the fiends at Bartok are steadfastly anti-euthanasia when their mistakes are this gloriously hideous (as young Martin discovers much to his horror).” – Jeremy Smith