STUDIO: Lions Gate
MSRP: $14.98
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 89 minutes (not including bonus segments)
     • 3 Additional Target Tone Challenges:
         • Arm Assault
         • Ab Quake
         • Glute Gauntlet

The Pitch

“Joey, do you like exercise DVDs about gladiators?”

The Humans

Actors: Gina Carano, Monica Carlson, Michael O’Hearn, Tanoai Reed, Jennifer Widerstrom

The Nutshell

“Exercise routines adapted from NBC’s hit show. 3 Workouts for Men & Women. Eliminates Fat & Shape Muscle!”

Harbodied heroes get you ready for Assault, Joust, and Powerball. Or in my case, euphemisms and dirty limericks!!! Let’s roll…

There once was a knockout name CRUSH, who has a killer rack and tush.

Her looks can kill and kill you she will…

… so you’d better just look and not touch.

The Lowdown

Inspiration? They really rode me, but I was eager for more. I rose to the occasion and finished my workout with gusto. If you know what I mean…

Perspiration? Fluids were exorcised, if you catch my drift…

Injuries? I pulled a muscle. Repeatedly. That’s a jerking off joke, you meathead.

My Personal (and Quotable)Testimonial? “Gladiator? You bet I was.”

There once was a goddess named PHOENIX…

… a redhead descended from Venus.

When she sticks it out, all the boys will shout… “Hand me that lotion and Kleenex!”

The Package

Long. Strong. And down to get the friction on.

There once was a beauty named JET, who has formidable kegels, I bet.

If I had my chance, I’d jettison pants…


… and let her Sarlaac Pit gnaw on my Fett.

7.5 out of 10

* Masturbation innuendo and objectification aside, the disc is not too bad. While it isn’t very challenging or complicated, the full program is a decent length and its order is customizable. Additional specific workouts are also included. Many of the core exercises include hand weights, so heavier poundage can increase difficulty for those seeking a bigger sweat. They rotate head trainers (of either gender) every 10 minutes or so for variety and they all have a good time ribbing each other. All of the gurus are massive, so they must be doing something right. Speaking of, these ladies are my own special brand of performance enhancement here. I could see this DVD turning me from Zero to Hero with a little nose-to-the-gladiator-grindstone focus. AND… It’s no Shake Weight DVD, but it might do in a pinch for those with no access to internet porn, Victoria Secret catalogs, or imagination.