PURCHASE THIS PRIZE THROUGH AMAZON: CLICK HERE
STUDIO THAT CRAFTED THIS JEWEL: Chemical Burn Entertainment
PRICE: $19.98 from Amazon, but $24.95 through Chemical Burn, plus shipping! A deal!
RATED: Unrated, for Skeleton IV’s pleasure.
LENGTH OF THE FILM: 80 minutes of glory.
SPECIAL FEATURES FOR SKELETON IV:
– Trailers for other films from Mr. Creepo, such as Skin Eating Jungle Vampires… and more!
– Never before seen Dungeon Scenes that are in the actual movie, but not really.
Skeleton IV is a very happy collection of bones today, because in his mail was a copy of Mr. Creepo’s highly famous Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood! In fact, IV was so excited he thought he was getting plain ol’ Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood, and was unaware of the different titles, but now all of that seems silly. Whatever this piece is called these days Skeleton is a happy character, because he finally gets to see the film everyone’s been raving about since 2003!
IV’s EXPLANATION OF EVENTS
My goodness, where to start? How about right here: it all begins with this young, sort-of pretty girl named Lilith who is busy lesbianing around the room with her lover… who’s a GIRL!
IV was not prepared for that, he admits.
So the following day young Lilith asks her ‘friend’ if they can get married and raise a family, but her ‘friend’ says NO. Feeling dejected, poor Lilith finds herself wandering the hard streets in sheer grief and anguish, but evil was lurking around the corner that day in the form of Carmila, the Queen of the Vampires! Because she is weak and vulnerable and only half a lesbian at the moment, the wicked Queen is able to lure Lilith back to her castle and turn her into a full-blown lesbian vampire within minutes.
Incredible! IV did not know that the secret to vampirism was lesbian sex, and it’s information like this that make his dear friend, Mr. Creepo, such a master storyteller. Genius!
THINGS THAT ANGER SKELETON
Now, IV must say there were some things within this prize that didn’t agree with him, and he feels compelled to acknowledge them even though Mr. Creepo is a dear friend of his. Hopefully Creepo won’t get a chance to read this and send evil letters to IV:
– There’s a character named Muffy the Vampire Slayer, but unfortunately the reference is lost on Skeleton. This Muffy did nothing but annoy him, so it’s probably best that he didn’t understand her purpose in the film. All she does is run around the movie with Lilith’s old ‘friend’, the same ‘friend’ who rejected her proposal in the beginning, and all because they are afraid of her becoming an agent of the night. Please. Muffy is nothing more than an annoying character with a sword; Skeleton IV owns a few swords. You don’t see him waving it around being silly.
– The usage of blood usually frightens IV, because he doesn’t need it. Here, the effect is the same. Skeleton has read elsewhere that “gallons of blood” were used in certain scenes, but IV must have been wearing his quart glasses the day he watched this film because there isn’t a whole lot. Normally Skeleton loves little-to-no blood, but Mr. Creepo himself informed IV that the film had tons and tons of blood and guts and guts! Sorry Mr., but the blood department is lacking. There’s a truly shocking shower scene where two ugly girls bathe in blood, which is HIGHLY erotic, but other than that the blood used is small trickles that fail to tickle!
– When IV stayed at his dear friend Mr. Creepo’s condo a few years ago, IV was told the masterpiece would be title simply Lesbian Vampires. Then, out of nowhere, the tagline Curse of Ed Wood was attatched, confusing Skeleton. THEN, someone decides to play mind tricks on Skeleton IV by renaming it even further to the current Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood!!! Great guns, IV is CONFUSED. So, to ease his hurting skull IV wandered over to Mr. Creepo’s website to verify for certain the title of the opus… only to find it listed there as Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood.
Skeleton IV gives up.
Only Mr. Creepo knows these things.
THINGS THAT MAKE IV REJOICE
Here, Skeleton hopes Creepo has access to the webs:
– The horrendously grainy and pockmarked picture quality is brilliant! IV knows for a fact that this is what his wonderful friend was aiming for when he informed Skeleton of his intent to shoot the picture on his 2005 Motorola RAZR phone. And it was achieved perfectly. The film looks like Creepo punched it several times before administering sandpaper to it during the color-timing process. Success!
-Music in films bore Skeleton tremendously. They’re usually melodic and wistful, which annoy IV. Luckily that isn’t the case here. The way supergroup ‘The Serpenteens’ were able to attain such hideous noises from their synthesizers is beyond IV’s ability to praise. It is so wonderfully heinous Skeleton remains baffled to this day how, by law, these things are allowed to be created… wonderful!
– Animated menus often time confuse IV, with the way they try and act clever by helping guide you to the parts you are anxious to view. Luckily Lesbian Vampires does not suffer from this, as the menu is beyond reproach in its simplicity. While things are floating in the background, there’s no writing of any kind to help the viewer select their piece! You are given two options, but are not told what they are… devious! You must select from two images that are so similar IV kept choosing the same thing for hours! Only later did he realize one was for the movie and the other the Special Features, which is additional footage from the Dungeon scene that is the same footage. This was IV’s fault, he should have known Creepo would design this menu specifically with him in mind, because it makes no sense!
This gentleman infuriates IV with his disrespect of nature. He should be hunted down and haunted.
FINAL THOUGHTS FROM THE DESK OF SKELETON IV
When Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood was released to much fanfare in 2003, Skeleton IV was unable to attend the premiere for personal reasons. This upset his friend Mr. Creepo, and it took many weeks before they would speak again. Luckily, IV has now been able to watch what his longtime pal unleashed all those years ago, and must say it is exactly what Skeleton expected. The acting is valuable in that the thespians were somehow able to rise above the wonderful script Creepo crafted and deliver performances that will resonate in IV’s skull for decades. This isn’t something to be forgotten in a timely manner, and Skeleton is all the more ancient for having seen it.
Your friend, Skeleton IV, deeply recommends this adventure!
This picture of his old friend Creepo and himself embarrasses IV. Skeleton was horribly under the weather
that day.