STUDIO: Lions Gate
MSRP: $14.98 each
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 55 minutes each
• Custom Workout Option
• Maximum Results Program
• Training Tips
• Music-Only Option (without Bob’s berating)

The Pitch

Just like the contestants on NBC’s hit show, YOU TOO can feel physically and emotionally bruised. And what better place to feel like a big loser than at home in front of your television set?

The Humans

Losers. The Biggest. And Bob.

The guy quotes HIMSELF. You have no idea what you’re in for. Hint: douchiness.

The Nutshell

2 discs of pain. Bending, stretching, lifting, and crying for my Mama. I’m used to the weight lifting (which you can adjust per your ability), but the “just one more” or “just a bit longer” was cruel and unusual. I have very little experience with yoga, however. I will say, despite ignorant beliefs held by some ignorant individuals, it’s not for sissies, especially as presented here. What’s nice? The majority of the exercises can be tweaked for maximum effectiveness or maximum laziness, whichever suits your elastic waist(waste)band size and/or temperament.

On the topic of temperament, I never watched the Biggest Loser reality show (except via clip doses on The Soup). Word has it that Bob’s got a rep for being quite the ball-buster. The verbal abuse never gets THIS extreme on the DVDs, but I felt it. In my soul.

I hereby label this Yoga position: “Farmer Fills Pail”.

The Lowdown

Inspiration? It doesn’t matter if he’s boot-camping all over your fat ass or treating you like the downward dog that you are, Bob is one tough prick.

Perspiration? Tons. Even with the AC and ceiling fan on. It’s been a HOT summer here in FL. And I spend most of my day sitting at a computer.

Injuries? I made the mistake of tackling these exercise DVDs one day apart. EVERYTHING hurt all week afterwards, but especially my back and self esteem and the back of my self esteem. Actual Quote from Boot Camp guru Bob: “Notice how I’m not doing it. I’m walking around because it’s too hard… That’s why they’re doing it.” Screw you, Bob.

I whine an awful lot in this review, but one thing’s for sure, if I had the discipline and time on my hands, I KNOW that these two DVDs (which they cross sell within as supplemental parts of a single program) would get me into shape. There Will Be Tears. Oh yes.

I’m not quite sure about Bob’s circumcision status, but nevertheless, I call this maneuver the “Hood Ornament”.

My Personal (and Quotable)Testimonial?
“Bob isn’t a mere palindrome. He’s a pushy palindrome. But it’s all for a good cause. He wants me, some average loser, to transform myself into the Biggest Loser… Just not in the ‘Mr. Creosote (CHUD plug!) gut-splode’ fashion. Thanks, Bob! I now hate myself, your smug mug, and my too-hard living room floor.”

“Would you consider it a HR violation if I whispered the lyrics to Tenacious D’s ‘Kielbasa’ into your ear right now? ‘Hm hmmm hm hm hm-hm… right in your caboose-ah…’ Yes? No?”

The Package

Look! Bob’s even trying to hurt you on the Boot Camp cover! Thank Testicles (that’s pronounced “Test-ick-lees”), the Greek God of testosterone, that the workouts are customizable: there are warm-ups, 3 levels per, and cool downs on both discs and you can combine them for longer sessions of torture. You can also turn Bob’s berating off for “music only” audio, but you can never turn off Bob’s accusing gaze or inappropriate touching.

8.0 out of 10

I’m just going to go ahead and leave this screengrab right here.