CHUD LIST: EMBRACING MEDIOCRITY: DAY EIGHT

In a way this is the kind of movie they don’t make much of anymore. A straightforward hybrid of genres with reasonably famous people given a reasonably big budget by a big studio. A big budget movie about an alien broad who wants to fuck. She has no current plans on world domination. She does not want to harvest our children for a rape diorama. She wants a dick in her. NOW. It should come as no surprise that the villain of this movie is a sexually aggressive woman. There are no bigger threats to the world after all.

The premise is brilliant: We’ve been sending interesting shit into space for thirty years, including our DNA code. Which is dumb, by the way. “Here’s our very existence, please find some faults so you can fuck us up.” Well, someone got our message and sent us some their DNA code back at us. They also sent us the info on how to make clean burning fuel in unlimited supply, a detail which is never brought up again. If Rod Lurie had directed this movie it’d have been about the government trying to quash this brilliant new solution to the world’s biggest problem and oh, there’s an alien loose too.

Anyhow, Ben Kingsley and his well funded government cronies have mixed our DNA with the alien DNA and the result is Michelle Williams. Not a bad first try really.

They try to kill her, she escapes and eats a lot of chocolate and evolves into Natasha Henstridge. NOW WE ARE TALKING.

When there is a rapidly evolving space bitch loose there’s really one thing to do, invite an eclectic group of ‘professionals’ to hunt her down. No stereotype is omitted. Thankfully. Marg Helgenberger is a brilliant scientist who finds Mike Madsen hot, which showcases her duality. Mike Madsen is a guy they call after the guy they called didn’t take the call, a cleaner. He shoots firsts and asks questions later. Questions like “Are you the person I was sent here for?”. Forrest Whitaker is an empath, which means he’s a wuss. Alfred Molina is a Harvard professor who does thinky shit. Holding the center is a very serious and very bald Kingsley. Their charge is to hunt Natasha Henstridge [in her titty baring debut, THANK YOU GOD] and kill her until she is dead.

Her charge is to discover the world, learn our way, and fuck herself into motherhood.

The movie hasn’t aged well. The dialogue is sometimes a living nightmare though some of it is done with tongue deposited at least NEAR the cheek. Poor [actually rich, because this was the first of a handful of post-Spielberg paycheck gigs for him] Kingsley oftentimes has the worst exposition to deliver, though he does a few really batshit looks and mannerisms that make you wonder if he’s having the last laugh. Forrest Whitaker oozes warmth and sensitivity so profusely I think The Blind Side happened by direct contact to this movie. The cat-and-mouse chase aspect of the story fails miserably, though there is a scene where they get to check the alien’s menstrual blood, which is a plus. And H.R. Giger shows the range of a weevil’s anus in his conceptual work, though it is cool to see the alien textures applied to something other than an alien. Oh.

Bonus: If you’ve always wondered what it’d look like if Thomas the Tank Engine has sex with a Xenomorph you are in luck, because there is a Species train in the movie! There is a Species train in this movie. There is a Species train in
this movie. There is a Species train in
this movie. There is a Species train in
this movie.

There’s nary an original idea here [aside from the Species train, duh] but it’s hard to not to have a fun time with it. This is the movie where they tried to make Michael Madsen a leading man, and if you forget everything you know about Michael Madsen it almost works. He’s thin, handsome, and gets to deliver a whole mess of smart ass comments. He’s a cool dude with impeccable taste. He also has sex with Marg Helgenberger, which showcases his duality.

I once saw Marg at the Burbank airport. She looked like a movie star, except for her entire face and head.

This is a mediocre movie in every way, but I can’t stop wanting it to be great and I am totally a sucker for movies like this. There are some really nice and gory kills and as many of you know I melt whenever they look at menstrual blood under a microscope in movies. Plus, if you are a man with even remotely heterosexual tendencies you have to appreciate Miss Henstridge here. She’s a gamer, no doubt. 

I
embrace you, extraterrestrial whore!