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STUDIO: Quality Cheese Productions
MSRP: $12.95
RATED: Unrated
RUNNING TIME: 90 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
• Introduction by Troma sensation Lloyd Kaufman
• Two pairs of 3D glasses
The Pitch
“It’s German Expressionism for the Avatar generation!”
The Humans
Max Schreck. Gustav von Wangenheim. Greta Schroder. Lots of other Germans who have been dead for decades upon decades.
“Well, this shot isn’t complex or interesting enough, but who knows? In 80 years they’ll be able to update our work with grace and dignity. Surely.”
The Nutshell
The kind folks at Quality Cheese Productions present a new version of Nosferatu in 3D, with a bunch of added crap to counterbalance all of the gravitas they removed from it.
The Lowdown
The stupid tradition of returning to classic films in order to tinker with them, adding minute details and enhancing their special effects in anachronistic ways actually predates George Lucas’ work on the Star Wars films. You might remember the colorization blitz of the 80s and 90s, in which movies like Night of the Living Dead were splashed with muddy watercolors to appeal to a new generation of fools who find black and white boring. Hell, I still own my colorized version of It’s a Wonderful Life, in which Jimmy Stewart’s clothing is adequately shaded but his face is left with the complexion of a walking corpse.
Thanks to the wild success of Avatar and the onslaught of 3D that has swiftly followed it, you can expect the same sort of scenario with 3D on DVD, in which older public domain titles are scooped up and injected with anaglyphic 3D for the sake of raking in a quick buck. Case in point: Keith Carter’s 3D resurrection of the 1922 film Nosferatu, retitled Orlok the Vampire in 3D.
If only the Gimp and Zed make a guest appearance.
On principle, I have trouble with anyone slapping their own name on a film that has existed for nearly 90 years, particularly if one’s motives are only to spice things up with a gimmicky technology. There is certainly a reason why F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu is an acclaimed piece of silent cinema — the first screen adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Dracula features excellent cinematography, good performances and some moments that are still chilling after nearly a century has passed. (Even in crappy anaglyphic 3D, the shot of Max Schreck’s Orlok rigidly rising from his coffin is absolutely haunting.)
Orlok the Vampire in 3D isn’t quite Nosferatu with a 3D makeover, though. Carter and company have taken the liberty of adding silly computer generated transitions. Silly bat logos swirl in as if to make a clever nod to a 1960s television series in the midst of a film that honestly has more to do with the imagery of rats, if anything. He’s also chopped the film to ribbons, skipping over slower paced, moody scenes, I suppose to propel the film forward faster. Look, it’s a silent film, fellas. If you don’t have patience for the way things worked in 1922, that’s your fault, not the film’s.
PCP is a hell of a drug, sailor.
They’ve also sucked all the air out by adding a ridiculously madcap piano score that in no way reflects the subject material of the film, while adding new dialogue cards and a wierd dialogue track in which the characters speak in mumbled tones reminiscent of the language of The Sims. It’s a piece of work.
Which would be one thing if the new version of the film were a comedy — which, judging by the box art and the zany introduction by Toxic Avenger creator Lloyd Kaufman, was their intention — only it doesn’t feel that way. None of the subject material has been retooled for comedy, only the peripheral wackiness shoehorned into it. Pairing the broadest forms of comedy with a deadly serious silent film may have seemed like a good idea somewhere along the line, but certainly not toward the end.
When you pair that with the fact that the 3D is often completely ineffective — which is a no-brainer when you consider the quality of film the footage was shot on — Orlok the Vampire in 3D reveals itself to be a completely incompetent cash grab.
The Package
The DVD comes with two pairs of 3D glasses and lacks an option for scene selection, which in my book is a mark of the most refined quality. It includes the aforementioned introduction by Lloyd Kaufman, who seems to be high as a kite and utterly uninvolved with the film beyond perhaps a funding capacity. There’s a 2D option to view the film as well, but why not seek out a true blue version of Nosferatu instead?