Could anybody possibly care about what I have to say about tonight’s Golden Globes? What if I offered the phrase “mini-meltdown?” I dutifully watched the Awards for one of my side gigs, and ended up live-blogging them on my Twitter. Inspired by Nick’s live-blog here on CHUD and by my friend Zach’s live-blog over at Television Without Pity, I have decided to print what happened in the space below.
What you need to know before reading: I love movies more than I love most people I know, so I have seen plenty of these award shows and can usually shrug off their phoniness. However, for personal reasons I am even more troubled by current international situations than I would otherwise be. That unrest is in evidence here.
I worked for several years in TV and film but obviously after all that, I’m still a no-name (for now). Generally my practice is to be polite, especially in my printed work, because you never know who’s reading. It’s a good policy but it doesn’t necessarily make a lick of difference. Even so, let me cover my bases and suggest that if your name is Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ashton Kutcher, Drew Barrymore, George Lucas, James Cameron, Jerry Seinfeld, Justin Bartha, Justin Long, Kate Hudson, Keith Urban, Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock, or Taylor Lautner, you may not want to read the following, because hell, maybe some day we’ll want to work together. I was in an emotional place when I wrote this stuff, but there are some worthy points here and so far I don’t regret any of it.
Except for one thing: I didn’t mean to imply that Angela Lansbury is a lesbian. If she’s not, that suggestion was entirely unintended. If she is, more power to her!
1. Am I supposed to watch these Golden Globes? Guess I should be part of whatever everyone else is talking about but I have so much else to do. about 4 hours ago from web
2. Actually, I literally can’t handle this Red Carpet shit. My tolerance for LA dwellers complaining about rain goes away entirely when I do. about 4 hours ago from web
3. Man, if only Kate Hudson would never talk. about 4 hours ago from web
4. Another theory about the overwhelming popularity of AVATAR: it’s all about escaping reality, which has everything to do with modern culture. about 3 hours ago from mobile web
5. The majority of my generation, myself included, would rather stick their heads in the sand than think about the rest of the world’s pain. about 3 hours ago from mobile web
6. Which is how we can spend a night watching celebrities get drunk and accept meaningless awards while an entire country dies. about 3 hours ago from mobile web
7. If I sound fixated or hypercritical, it’s because I fully realize that I’m no exception. about 3 hours ago from mobile web
8. But fuck it, I’ll play for now. The Golden Globes it is. about 2 hours ago from web
9. Meryl Streep: That was a brilliant imitation on SNL last night. This is one pretentious lady. If I had to see JULIE & JULIA I’d dump a girl. about 2 hours ago from web
10. When did we get together as a country & decide it was our job to make Meryl Streep feel good about herself? Couldn’t we spread that wealth? about 2 hours ago from web
11. I no longer see movies because people tell me I NEED to. I don’t NEED to see PRECIOUS. I don’t NEED to do nothin’ but stay black and die. about 2 hours ago from web
12. Poor Sigourney didn’t sleep all week, had to fly back from NY to LA, go to this dumb show, and had to lose to this whiny imp on top of it? about 2 hours ago from web
13. Hey Drew Barrymore, if youre worried about being “a good person,” you could get some perspective. Theres nothing to cry about on that stage. about 2 hours ago from web
14. Nancy Meyers looks like my friend’s mom. Makes sense; that’s her demographic. If I had to watch IT’S COMPLICATED, I’d dump another girl. about 2 hours ago from web
15. Jennifer Aniston makes me think about sexual things, and it looks like Omar Epps agrees. about 2 hours ago from web
16. UP IN THE AIR getting a writing award over DISTRICT 9 and Tarantino pretty much says it all. This whole thing is a joke I’m not in on. about 2 hours ago from web
17. Ashton Kutcher’s continued public presence in the face of no discernible film or television career flies in the face of decency. about 2 hours ago from web
18. That was nice of Maggie Gyllenhaal to say what needed to be said right there. I take back what I said about her DARK KNIGHT performance. about 2 hours ago from web
19. Harrison Ford smiled! about 2 hours ago from web
20. “Harrison Ford smiled!” is the new “Jesus wept!” about 2 hours ago from web
21. I’ve somehow never seen a Haneke movie. This actually does feel like something I NEED to do. about 2 hours ago from web
22. Best TV series/ drama is RESCUE ME. That’s just how it really is. But I like MAD MEN too, even though I don’t actually watch it. about 2 hours ago from web
23. Seriously? They’re playing the get-off music so soon? When they let dumb Drew Barrymore lisp weepily for ten minutes straight? about 2 hours ago from web
24. Luke Wilson gave up handsome for food. I like that. I can relate. about 2 hours ago from web
25. Evangeline Lilly is pretty. I would watch more commercials if she were in them. about 2 hours ago from web
26. Jerry Seinfeld: Now here’s a guy I used to love who I can no longer stand. Legendary comedy mind producing “THE MARRIAGE REF?” Great, Jerry. about 2 hours ago from web
27. I don’t make fun of this Taylor Lautner because I know for a fact he won’t be in movies in ten years. Probably even five. This is a fact. about 2 hours ago from web
28. I’m no Chloe Sevigny fan, but just became one as she’s the only one of these people who found a way to thank a PA. about 2 hours ago from web
29. I read lips: Hugh Laurie just turned to someone and said “Halle Berry is so fucking hot.” about 2 hours ago from web
30. That high-angle view was very revealing: Jeff Bridges is sitting spread-eagled & serious facing the stage from the front row. about 2 hours ago from web
31. You may think that Christoph Waltz was emotional or nervous. Truth is, Jeff Bridges just intimidated Christoph Waltz with his awesomeness. about 2 hours ago from web
- tripleA325 @jonnyabomb re: Taylor Lautner – you never know when the next Keanu is going to come around.. about 2 hours ago from web in reply to jonnyabomb Retweeted by you
33. @tripleA325 This is a good point. And scary. about 2 hours ago from web in reply to tripleA325
34. If DeNiro is still tight with Marty, can he just plead with Marty right now on that stage to cast him in a worthwhile movie? I miss Bobby D! about 2 hours ago from web
35. Martin Scorsese, now, kinda looks like the Fonz, now. Both deserve respect. about 1 hour ago from web
36. Scorsese montage momentarily silenced my cynicism. When I watch these award shows, it’s because I love movies THAT much. Scorsese is a hero. about 1 hour ago from web
37. Harrison Ford frowned! about 1 hour ago from web
38. Do you think, sitting among all those great stars, Keith Urban is ever embarassed by his own hairdo? about 1 hour ago from web
39. Hey Justin, why the Long face? HAHAHAHAHA (never gets old.) about 1 hour ago from web
40. THE BEAVER is one of my most eagerly awaited films. about 1 hour ago from web
41. I think I’m finally ready to get over my vendetta against THE HURT LOCKER for taking a title from me, and finally watch this durn movie. about 1 hour ago from web
42. Has James Cameron ever been featured on that Guys Who Look Like Old Lesbians website? about 1 hour ago from web
43. Great director, but that doesn’t save him from the Angela Lansbury resemblance. about 1 hour ago from web
44. I bet you Quentin is looking around the room at all these girls and saying to himself “I’d love to see their feet.” about 1 hour ago from web
45. I don’t watch GLEE because I like girls, which is also why I wish MODERN FAMILY won, because it would have afforded a look at Sofia Vergara. about 1 hour ago from web
46. “This is for anyone who ever got a wedgie in high school…AND LOVED IT!” (I’m truly sorry, but that one was way too easy to ignore.) about 1 hour ago from web
47. Still wondering about something… Did Cameron say something in Klingon to his cast in his speech? about 1 hour ago from web
48. I don’t like the fact that Justin Bartha is getting any credit for THE HANGOVER. You can’t fool me, dude — I saw what you did in GIGLI… about 1 hour ago from web
49. That Tyson appearance was way too brief. about 1 hour ago from web
50. I think Reese Witherspoon is cute as all hell, and if you don’t agree, I bet you’re excited about GLEE’s win for whatever they just won. about 1 hour ago from web
51. Mickey Rourke is so damn weird. I just love that dude. about 1 hour ago from web
- tripleA325 @jonnyabomb I LOVE GLEE. shut it. about 1 hour ago from web in reply to jonnyabomb Retweeted by you
53. @tripleA325 I will now shut it about GLEE, but only for you. about 1 hour ago from web
54. Yeah Arnold, we’re wondering why you’re introducing “ABATAH.” Don’t you have a mess of a state to run? about 1 hour ago from web
55. Sandra Bullock wants that meaningless award SO bad. about 1 hour ago from web
56. I was actually paying attention to Sandra Bullock’s unending speech, but then they showed Aniston again and my thoughts wandered. about 1 hour ago from web
57. This here is a good category. Matt Damon was so underrated in that movie, and all these guys are great, but please, STUHLBARG! about 1 hour ago from web
58. Once again, my fragile little hopes are dashed. about 1 hour ago from web
59. Robert Downey Jr. just killed the crap out of that speech though. That guy’s pretty cool. about 1 hour ago from web
60. Flash cut to Sofia Vergara during whatever Kate Winslet’s saying: you just got a look at my inner thoughts, America. 42 minutes ago from web
61. I love Jeff Bridges and am dying to see CRAZY HEART. Just want to point out that Tobey was brilliant in BROTHERS and you all should see it. 42 minutes ago from web
62. I do believe that Jeff Bridges just spread-eagle intimidated himself onto that stage. 41 minutes ago from web
63. The score from STARMAN was randomly in my head this morning, as if I knew this moment would come. Might I have a very minor psychic ability? 39 minutes ago from web
64. Bridges shows Sevigny-level class by thanking his stand-in. 38 minutes ago from web
65. So many people in Hollywood work so hard for so little credit. I get the reasons why, but it’s still a thing that’s worth being said. 35 minutes ago from web
66. My grammar is getting very worse because I’m getting very bored. I will finish this, though. Mark my sayings. 34 minutes ago from web
67. Julia Roberts is to my dad what Sofia Vergara is to me. He appreciates star quality. I appreciate more obvious things. It is what it is. 33 minutes ago from web
68. You know who Cameron looks like, actually? Paul McCartney! I hope they stand next to each other so you guys see what I mean. 32 minutes ago from web
69. [Upon seeing AVATAR’s producer:] A hobbit! (I’ll never work in that town again.) 32 minutes ago from web
70. George Lucas’s neck looks like my (and Luke Wilson’s) belly. 31 minutes ago from web
71. AVATAR won Best Picture at this dumb show. It IS the movie of the moment. Fun but meaningless. Weird that Cameron thinks otherwise. 27 minutes ago from web
72. I’m a longtime fan of his work but we clearly look at the world differently. You get a national platform & you talk about your great job? 24 minutes ago from web
73. Some heart-rending footage on the news now. Talk about dissonance. I wonder how many people turned their TVs off after the Golden Globes. 20 minutes ago from web
74. If I’d say anything about the Golden Globes in conclusion, it’d be Text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross relief efforts in Haiti. 18 minutes ago from web
- And if I came off as particularly angry or bridge-burning tonight, it’s because you’re seeing my heart break in real time. So, sorry. 16 minutes ago from web
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