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STUDIO: Warner Bros.
MSRP: $27.98 RATED: PG
RUNNING TIME: 90 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
• Blooper reel
• Alternate endings
• Behind-the-scenes slideshow
• Making-of featurette
• Trailer
Generally
speaking, when at their best, movies serve to provide a couple hours of
entertainment, a brief diversion from daily rigors.
But
on extraordinarily rare occasions, thanks to an inexplicable celestial
occurrence, some combination of skill and serendipity results in
something so purely transcendental that it causes one to reconsider the
very nature of cinema… and even life itself.
The Flick
It becomes evident from the breathtaking tracking shot during the opening credits of New York Minute
that this film will indeed be nothing short of exceptional. But
realistically, no amount of prior notification could allow sufficient
preparation for such an incontrovertibly blissful experience.
Prim
and proper Jane Ryan (the exquisite Ashley Olsen) is preparing for her
big day in Manhattan, where she’ll give a speech to a foundation that
could secure her a scholarship to Oxford. However, her hard-rocking
antithesister Roxy (the ravishing Mary-Kate Olsen) has aspirations of a
different sort, capriciously opting to neglect the day’s studies in
favor of attending Simple Plan’s music video shoot (and, let’s not kid
ourselves, who wouldn’t?) in the city. After the imaginative but
harmless deception of their widowed dad (sexpert Dr. Drew Pinsky), the
sublime siblings are off to the Big Apple, unaware that they’re in for
the most significant day in their young lives. And ours.
That’s pretty pathetic, dude. My telephoto work has grabbed way more flattering shots.
Alas,
Roxy’s proclivity for abandoning class has drawn the attention of
tenacious truancy officer Max Lomax (Eugene Levy), who is shadowing
their every move. After a snafu on the commuter train, the girls find
themselves suddenly stranded without a means of conveyance. Fortunately
for them, limo driver Bennie Bang (the mercurial Andy Richter) offers
to take them into the city in luxurious style. However, unbeknownst to
the girls, Bennie is the adopted son of a family of Chinese gangsters
(he insists on speaking broken English, to uproarious effect), and he’s
been tasked with delivering the valuable microchip that was slipped
into Roxy’s bag without her knowledge.
The
titillating tandem blonde beauties escape Bennie’s oily clutches, but
Jane’s planner was left in the limousine during the chaos, and she
can’t deliver her crucial speech without the information contained
within. The film chronicles the manic hours that follow, in which the
girls attempt to compromise with the villain, elude capture by the
steadfast Lomax, meet a pair of cute boys, uncover an international
bootlegging operation and pay a visit to fashionable Harlem, all while
learning precious lessons about themselves and each other, and leaving
a lasting impression on the lives of every fortunate person whose path
they cross.
“What are you talking about? I don’t even know what ‘phallic imagery’ means!”
The
binary brilliance of the angelic Olsens is resplendently captured by
director Dennie Gordon, whose previous teen wrangling on Amanda Bynes’ What a Girl Wants
has elevated her proficiency to unprecedented levels. This evocative
endeavor cleverly acknowledges many examples of modern and classic
cinema from Hitchcock to John Woo, and yet miraculously surpasses them
all. Lomax’s hunt of his quarry makes ingenious parallels to classic
gumshoe tales, but the hard-boiled Levy makes Humphrey Bogart seem like
a creampuff by comparison. A martial arts clash on a subway platform
makes the climactic Neo/Smith rumble in The Matrix look like a makeup counter slap-fight, while a car chase through Manhattan is so intense that the late Ronin director
John Frankenheimer actually clawed out of his pine box simply to beg
for another opportunity. And the film’s untouchable artistry
incorporates such an effective use of split-screen that Brian DePalma
now wishes he’d never even attempted it.
The
starlets themselves have never been so scintillating or so deserving of
their icon status, tackling the film’s inventive “Murphy’s Law” series
of events with effusive verve, infectious charm and impeccable comic
timing. Like effulgent beacons, the very presence of these teenage
goddesses virtually necessitates that the cast surrounding them
(including Riley Smith, Jared Padalecki and SNL regular Darrell
Hammond) deliver their finest performances, resulting in Oscar-caliber
work from all involved.
Fans of Cullen Blaine rejoiced at the news that the sequel to R.O.T.O.R. was finally heading into development.
But
it’s the stimulating philosophical aspects that make the film so
resonant. Assuming their minds haven’t already achieved a higher
consciousness, Lao-Tse and Jung and their ineffectual ilk are likely
spinning in their graves at the maddening reality that these luminous
identical sisters offer more enlightenment in 90 minutes than they
achieved with entire lifetimes of hypotheses. Skimming over notions set
forth by everyone from Nietzsche to Kant, New York Minute
fearlessly delves into a profound exploration of dualism and
existentialism and, most importantly, Taoist balance — the cyclical
opposing forces of yin and yang. Point of fact, the film is so dense
with relevant symbolism it would take a hundred viewings for a mere
mortal to decipher even a fraction of its fundamental potency. But the
most apparent message is ultimately one not just of tolerance, but of
unadulterated love… and there’s nothing more vital to the soul than that.
If there’s any justice, you’ll see New York Minute take its rightful place along with The Godfather and Citizen Kane on the AFI’s top 100 American films.
Masterpiece now seems like such a small word.
10 out of 10
One
of Ashley’s previously hidden talents was her somewhat unnerving
ability to craft balloon animals from a single piece of sugarless
Bazooka.
The Look
Although
their true seraphic radiance could never conceivably be properly
exhibited through something as prosaic as the digital format, this is
as close to these incandescent deities as most of us simple humans
could possibly imagine.
10 out of 10
The Noise
The
mellifluous tones that spill from the magnificent lips of this divine
duo is enough to make one wish never to hear sound again, for fear of
nothing ever meeting its equal.
10 out of 10
One
of Conan O’Brien’s dark secrets: his rise in hosting power also came
with a strange desire to seal his former sidekick in a hermetic chamber
beneath his Obsidian Fortress.
The Goodies
Ninety
minutes with the Olsen twins is not enough. This quite obviously
doesn’t need to be said, and now I feel a bit stupid for even having
typed it. But the filmmakers know this as well, and have magnanimously
offered a sampling of further ecstasy that includes a blooper reel, a
pair (naturally) of alternate endings, a slideshow of behind-the-scenes
photos and a 14-minute featurette.
But, as grateful as I am, it’s not enough. It’s not enough.
10 out of 10
The Artwork
Britney who? Lindsay wha? Hilary hey? They can all retire, as their services are no longer required.
10 out of 10
Overall: 10 out of 10