With the season of ghouls in full swing, television stations have begun
airing an endless barrage of memorable and unmemorable scary movies that have
been collecting dust in their vaults for the past year. Sometimes you’ll catch a gem, like Poltergeist. And sometimes you’ll catch a half-polished goat
turd like Poltergeist II: The Other Side. And, God help me, sometimes you’ll catch a
flaming piece of shit like Poltergeist
III:The One Where Only One Actor From The Original Bothered To Show Up. Basically, the original is worth your time,
part II is worth ten minutes of your
time, and part III can lick my nuts.
Do you remember Poltergeist? Sure you do. It ‘s crazier than a bus full of
retards and stars a bunch of people who ended up dying in strange, horrific ways. Oh yeah, and it also costars that impish ball
of energy Zelda Rubenstein (as a spiritual medium), who I believe is a
para-midget; meaning she is “not quite” a midget. As far as I know, the prefix “Para” roughly
means “beyond or altered,” but as I just mentioned, I take it to mean “not
quite.” As in, Zelda Rubinstein is a
para-midget (that is, she is “not quite” a midget). I don’t exactly know where the cut-off point
of being a midget is and where being a para-midget begins, but I can at least make an educated guess and, so help me, I’m making an educated guess that
Zelda Rubinstein is, in fact, a para-midget. Oddly enough, Zelda’s name in the movie(s) is “Tangina,” which, on
paper, looks like it might be a condition that occurs in women who frequent
nude beaches.
Anyway, Poltergeist
is a memorable movie. It has a freaky
toy clown, a homicidal tree, a guy scarfing down a bad chicken leg and tearing
the skin off his face, the guy who played Coach,
the aforementioned para-midget, and a static television set that, all these
years later, is still more entertaining to watch than The Jay Leno Show. Oh yeah…and a poltergeist (something that is
inexplicably missing from Poltergeist II:
The Other Side)! Yep, strangely enough, Poltergeist II has nothing to do with a poltergeist, which means
that the title is a lying son-of-a-bitch. Honestly, the film should have been titled Creepy Old Guy at the Screen
Door and the Future Guy from Coach Puking Out a Slimy Dwarf. Now, I can understand why this title wasn’t
used, mainly due to marketing reasons (the poster would have to be HUGE), but
at least there would be some truth to the advertising.
Poltergeist II
has, ironically enough, exactly II memorable
scenes. If you’ve made it this far, then
you know what two scenes they are. The
first memorable scene involves a creepy old guy who sings “God is in His Holy
Temple” as he strolls up to the “Poltergeist” family’s house and demands to be
let in. The creepy old guy is a demon
cult leader or some shit and is portrayed by actor Julian Beck. Mr. Beck was literally at death’s door during
the shooting of the film and, unfortunately, this is painfully apparent. Devoid of cgi and makeup; Mr. Beck’s gaunt,
skeletal face proves to be more shiver-inducing than the lame, pedestrian
script. The line he screams at the
screen door (“Let me in!”) is one that often makes those “Scariest Movie
Moments” montages that plague television specials during this time of year. You know the scene, right? Sure you do.
You’ve seen it. I’ve seen
it. We’ve all seen it. But can you remember any other part of this
flick?
How about the only other memorable scene? It occurs when
Craig T. Nelson’s character downs a bottle of tequila, worm an all. Then he barfs up a gelatinous phlegm ball that looks
like something I once ate at a Korean barbeque. Eventually, this amorphous blob transforms into a little person with one
limb (an arm) who quickly waddles away, flipping and flopping his tiny
amputated nubs like small oars. The
actor portraying this green piece of smegma is Noble Craig, who has carved out
a semi-fruitful career by playing disfigured creatures in a variety of other
horror films. Now, I don’t know the man,
but I am going to go out on a limb here (no pun intended) and classify him as a
para-midget too. That means Poltergeist II: The Other Side has two
para-midgets! The only other time this
has occurred in any medium was when Danny DeVito shared the small (no pun
intended) screen with his wife Rhea Perlman on the television show Taxi.
On top of these shenanigans, there is also a semi-memorable
scene that involves the Freeling’s male child being attacked by his
braces. While braces might be terrifying
to kids, I’m more freaked out by
overbites, underbites, harelips, grills, snaggle-teeth, veneers, dentures,
crowns, mouth-guards, gingivitis, people with big gums and little teeth, people
with big teeth and little gums, and, of course, retainers. So, I find just about every other part of the
human mouth (and it’s various apparatuses) more frightening than braces. Anyway, you know the writers of the film were
out of ideas when it came to torturing this fucking kid for the second
film. I mean, after you have a tree and
a freaky clown doll attacking the poor bastard, what other types of inanimate objects
are left? Apparently dental appliances
were the answer. It’s a good thing this
kid didn’t show up for the third film, otherwise he may have been subjected to
a brutal flossing or worse, a painful ass-kicking by a bottle of Listerine.
Anyway, if you encounter Poltergeist
II: The Other Side on television in the upcoming days, weeks, months, or
years, do yourself a favor and only watch the aforementioned scenes. Just like a hearty colonic, you’ll feel
lighter and more carefree in the end.
For the love of all that is Holy…follow me!