It’s
been a while since the last full team-based CHUD LIST. Too long. With
the goal being to ease back into the swing of things and hopefully get
us on track to a list a month, here’s the latest, BAD FOR US, WORSE FOR
THEM. The concept is simple.
This isn’t a “Best Kills” list.
We’ve done that and done it better than anyone ever could (though we’ll
revisit that at some point to rewrite the history books). This is a
list of forty deaths in cinema, twenty of which that have a profound
affect on the viewer whether by the sheer tragedy of it, how
emotionally impactful it is, or how it is a catalyst for a real descent
in the progression of the story. The other twenty are deaths that go
beyond the call of duty, not because they’re cool or really well
executed FX, but because they are just knee-capping in their immediacy,
brutality, or simple visceral impact. Kills that will probably leave a
mark.
We could have done hundreds of these, but here’s twenty of
each from the CHUD staff, delivered two a day for you until the list is
done. Enjoy!
Day Six – Hairy and High, Shot and Fallen!
King Kong in King Kong (1933)
The reason King Kong (Buy every version ever) works as well today as it does isn’t because of the cutting edge special effects. It’s not because of how irresistible Fay Wray’s gash is. It’s not even due to the fact we as a race get off on seeing large hairy things in the big city. It’s because we love Kong and are emotionally connected to what is essentially an armature covered in fur. As bad as the 70’s version is and how mostly successful the Peter Jackson version is we always come back to this one. There is absolutely no substitute.
Spoiler: (Don’t swipe to read)Kong gets jacked in this movie.
When you take a wild animal out of its habitat there’s a massive trauma to its psyche and physical form that takes some time to adjust to, if it’s ever adjusted to. It’s why Great Whites don’t survive captivity. It’s why it’s very difficult to introduce a wild dog into your household. It’s why Vinnie Jones hasn’t matured as an actor.
King (actual monarchy pending legal result) Kong came to the states having already endured a long life of danger, repeated attacks by dinosaurs, giant insects, and no shortage of skirmishes with nosy human intruders. Not to mention a long-ass boat ride. After all of that bullshit he gets paraded out in front of an audience, adding stage fright and opening night jitters to his already robust list of ailments.
It’s unfair to a primate.
Then he climbs a building, gets shot hundreds of times, and falls to his fucking ape death. It hurts us almost as much as it hurts him. Because Kong is the most likable character in the film. Because he’s the victim. Because even in 1933 guys were led to tragedy by that most overrated emotion, LOVE.
Pain of Death: HIGH. Even with retard gorilla strength and pain tolerance, there’s no fun for Mr. Kong.
Emotional Loss: HIGH. Both for us and the editorial staff of Giant Size National Geographic.
Will There Be a Closed Casket Funeral: Biggest casket in town!
Insult To Injury: B&W hat-wearing New Yorkers mill about his dead form. Fay Wray has to settle for a tiny [by Kong standards] manpenis.
The Long Kiss Goodnight [Buy it from CHUD!]
is a CHUD favorite, a flawed Shane Black/Renny Harlin joint with too many strengths to rule it out of cult classic territory. One of the main reasons for such is the work of Mr. Craig Bierko, the villain of the piece. Though a precious few have properly utilized His Excellency onscreen, it’s great to see him chewing scenery as were it petit fours at a pastry shop.
Oh yeah, I got culture seeping out my ass.
While
he’s a villain and a mean bastard to our heroine Geena Davis (and a funny and grizzled Samuel L. Jackson before he took every role in history and wore out his welcome), he’s still Bierko and therefore downright charismatic and impossible to hate. This fact doesn’t keep him from taking his medicine and HARD.
After enduring no shortage of abuse herself, the then-Harlin bedmate and former Goldblum squeeze finally gets her revenge on the “Bierk”. He is shot. A lot. Probably to his death if she gave him time.
Then he falls from his helicopter. To his death if she gave him time.
Then the tanker he landed on explodes. To his death. FOR SURE.
Poor Bierko.
Pain of Death: HIGH. Beat up. Shot full of shit. Fell from a helicopter. Blew up. Then, his remaining piece of untarnished skin gets kicked by a ladybug [director’s cut].
Emotional Loss: MEDIUM. It IS Bierko after all.
Will There Be A Closed Casket Funeral: No fuckin’ way. He’s molecular, and frankly a life of crime cost him those who’d care enough to make the effort.
Insult To Injury: He got his ass kicked by a girl.
Today’s installment written by Nick Nunziata.