Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which upcoming movies look like Hitler Turds (turds that waste no energy being anywhere except directly beneath your nose). In honor of this profound art, which I partake in from time to time, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, a weekly examination of upcoming movie commercials: what they say, what they don’t say, and what they say accidentally about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.
This week’s entry
The Blind Side
(Warner Brothers; Dir. John Lee Hancock)
Introduction:
This is the 2nd Trailer Tracks featuring Sandra Bullock (you can read the 1st one here), so just in case everyone thinks I have some kind of Bullock issue, I want you all to know that I do not hate this actress. In fact, as women who might actually be men go, I find her quite attractive. On top of that, she seems like the kind of girl who really knows how to party, and I mean full-on Cheezburgerz n’ Fartz. I don’t wish to gang-up on her like this.
But let’s face it. Hollywood doesn’t write many scripts for women. When they do come around there’s sort of a Dante-like hierarchy of actress who can pass or take the role. First Merryl Streep says no. Then Diane Keaton. Then Katherine Heigl. Then Marisa Tomei. Then Rosie Perez, Maria Conchita Alonso, and CCH Pounder. And then Lindsey Lowhands. And then CG Jessica Tandy. Finally, if they all say no, Sandra Bullock gets to make another movie. Usually they are just harmless comedies, but this time she’s in a movie that’s obviously attempting the “strangling puppies” road to Oscarville.
The Set Up:
Unless I’m mistaken this is a sequel movie for the character Bullock played in Crash (did she live through Crash? I directed it, but I never saw it.) She’s broken up with Encino Man (does he live through Crash?) and married some extremely bland guy who makes so much money that they can buy their food pre-cooked from the grocery store. He may or may not be a shaved country music star. Together they had sex and made a non-judgemental brat. They named him “Junior” but that’s not his fault.
One day while taking Junior to school, Bullock comes across the most Academy friendly character of all time. He’s: 1. Black 2. Gigantic (heart too!) 3. Sweetly retarded 4. An orphan 5. Dying of AIDS (that’s not in the trailer but I think it’s safe to assume). I believe his name is Biggins Widelode. Recently Biggins transferred to the same school as her son. It’s a special school called “Life Isn’t Fair” where the entire faculty used to be on Deadwood. Anyway, Biggins and Junior become friends because they are both in the same 5th grade class together, and they both love PUSSAY!
Voice-over tells us (and Sandra Bullock) that Biggins is totally gunning for the gold at the Sad Life Olympics (whoever misses the worst wins the prize of amputation). He’s a test-tube baby designed by a mad scientist, so he never had a mother. He’s never been to school before. His clothes are made from thrown out Coke cans so every step cuts him. His tears are like rain to ants. His farts are weird. He’s never eaten food. And he’s never heard “Dre Day” by Dr. Dre. Hearing all this, Sandra Bullock decides to spend some of her white privilege on this poor, hurting, beautiful black baby.
In other words, she wants to have sex with him. When she first sees him, she’s got kind of a cougar look going on. She asks her son who he is. His response, “BIG Biggins.” She drives by looking at his ass, “What is he wearing?” which I’m sure leads to a “Let’s get you out of these BIG frozen clothes” scene.
However they get there, he is shocked that she’s offering him so much. “What, you ain’t ever had’n yer own room ‘fore?” she asks. “I’ve never had a bed before,” he answers. She smiles her white guilt away a couple more notches. But in her glee, she doesn’t realize that he’s trying to tell her something important: he’s never had a bed before because, like the Elephant Man, if he lays on his back it will kill him. I guess this means they’ll have to do it doggy style.
The Problem:
The trailer jumps into serious business with the speed of someone on speed. Having never had a home, and probably scarred by the cougar’s claws, Biggins runs away from Bullock as soon as she falls asleep. Immediately she goes to the “Gang” part of town looking for him. “You’all black so ya know where the black people at!” she yells. The “gang leader” threatens to hurt Biggins which leads Bullock to pull some serious Erin Brockovich shit. “You threaten my boy, you threaten me, Muthafucka!” They’re a little confused because she’s referring to Biggins as her son, but then she shoots out their knee-caps and they suddenly have bigger fish to fry.
With that done she drives to the bus stop and there he is, just sitting there waiting to be saved from independence.
The Solution:
I’m pretty sure that’s the whole 2nd Act. The rest of the movie is spent getting Biggins better grades so he can play football and be like his #1 hero Radio. This is difficult for me to fathom, but the trailer wants me to accept that the flag-football team is actually coached by Sandra Bullock. I guess you can dip your pen in a lot of ink when you’re a stay at home cougar. Meow!
Of course, the Internet is buzzing about this film’s shocking twist ending, and just by watching the trailer a few times, I think I’ve got it figured out. My prediction is that Sandra Bullock gets a call from the Principal (played by Robin Weigert) informing her with great panic that Biggins is not an elementary school student at all. He is actually an adult with a severely retarded case of Dwarfism, making him look like a person who should look just like a kid but doesn’t! He’s actually twenty-four, which means he’s older than Sandra Bullock in real life! She’s cool with that and the two live happily ever after. Kathy Bates presides over their marriage.
Summation:
1. It’s not impossible that instead of being a Crash spinoff this film is actually a straight-to-video Erin Brokovich prequel.
2. The director, John Lee Hancock, has very likely seen The Godfather, Citizen Kane, The Seven Samurai, and Casablanca, but he decided to make thi movie anyway.
3. I would rather watch stop motion animation roadkill porn. Or a Larry Clark movie.
4. Sasukeuchiha224 really wants to see this movie. And Shinefire13 calls it “5/5”.