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STUDIO: 20th Century Fox
MSRP: $22.98
RATED: PG
RUNNING TIME: 94 grueling, painful minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
• Behind the Scenes
• Sounds of Delgo
• Meet the Characters
• See the Creatures
• Deleted Scenes
• CG Short – Chroma Chameleon

The Pitch

The Duke Nukem Forever of kid-friendly/nobody-friendly CGI movies.

The Humans

Director: Jason Maurer, Marc F. Adler, Cthulhu
Cast: Freddie Prinze Jr., Val Kilmer, Louis Gossett Jr., Anne Bancroft, Chris Kattan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Michael Clarke Duncan, Eric Idle, What The Fuck Did They Drug These People With To Get Them To Work On This, Burt Reynolds

The Nutshell

A bunch of headache-inducing shit about imaginary lands and races and the clashing royalty of a CGI world that couldn’t even gross enough money to keep Freddie Prinze Jr.’s acting career out of stasis for a year, or keep Val Kilmer out of the refrigerator. Also, this movie killed Anne Bancroft.


This movie also makes a powerful case for eugenics. See above.

The Lowdown

Not even 10 minutes into the viewing, I thought: ‘This is easily going to be the most agonizing 90 minutes of my life, even if I end up dying with my legs stuck in bear traps.’ This screamed “TEST FOOTAGE” from the moment the narration started and bizarre creatures started milling around under the title credits. Lizards riding dinosaurs, fighting dragonflies. Awful rendered voices that don’t quite sync up with the lips delivering them. More creatures that don’t make sense. Watching a creepy anthropomorphic lizard dick around with rocks. Listening to Chris Kattan continue to suck air as Chris Kattan while Bill Hicks gets gnawed on by ants and worms. Val Kilmer managing to barely avoid squandering the goodwill he squeezed from Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. Malcolm McDowell. More lizard-on-dragonfly action. I hate to be so dismissive, but even trying to make sense of this entire movie was a chore. There were lessons on racism and the horrors of war, sure, but this isn’t exactly the best vehicle for moralizing.

SPOILER: The ensuing depression from her participation in this movie made Jennifer Love Hewitt fat.

There’s a scene halfway through where Delgo and Kilmer’s character, Bogardus, argue while Filo (Kattan) fucking babbles away hysterically about an approaching monster. That’s pretty much how the entire movie goes. I don’t know whose idea it was to give Delgo a retarded sidekick, but Filo fills those prescription shoes with a zeal normally reserved for assholes and methheads. There’s a running gag where he’s continuously unable to even operate a slingshot. He minces around like a spastic dipshit whenever delivering even the simplest of lines. If the movie didn’t spend so much time feasting on its own tail, this scaly dolt would have been even more of a travesty.

Aside from a few inspired creature design choices and a couple of passably decent battle sequences, this all feels like discarded FMV from a failed videogame. I honestly don’t understand how they spent so much time on something that ended up looking so abysmal at times and being so incoherent in the end. I don’t even know if this would have worked if they had even jettisoned all of the dumb, convoluted history attached to the story – it’s bad enough with the narrative intact.

“I was just kiddin’ about rocks. That’s actually cat shit.”


The Package

• A trailer for Garfield’s Pet Force, which looks about as entertaining as the comic strip and features some of the worst CG I’ve seen in my life. Delgo looks like a Pixar project compared to this.

• An aggressively sparkly trailer for a Strawberry Shortcake movie that made me wish I did drugs.

• A trailer for the DTV powerhouse Dr. Dolittle: Million Dollar Mutts. Highlights: A cross-dressing dog, a belching monkey, said monkey making a MySpace joke, a talking dog in sunglasses, and buckets of the worst kind of forced enthusiasm in existence.

• A handful of extras including an awful Behind The Scenes feature where everyone desperately tries to convince people to watch this. Keep an eye out for an unshaven Val Kilmer in the most terrifyingly pink polo shirt you’ll ever see! Apparently they also blew all of the budget before getting a proofreader, since Lou Gossett Jr. loses a “t” in his surname for all of his trouble, and Kelly Ripa becomes “Kelly Rippa”. Quality stuff capped off with some of the laziest moral lessons about embracing each other’s differences and working together that I’ve ever heard.

• A CG short called “Chroma Chameleon” featuring an assload of chameleons in a dance competition. This was better than Delgo.


Our heroes react appropriately to the finished product.


Hate out of 10