What

follows is a scattershot bit of staff and reader submitted photos that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the world around us. Submit images HERE, and comment on the thread HERE. Also, please post links on your Facebook, Twitter, or Digg accounts if you want to help keep us swaddled in sweetness.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. “I’ve got a useless Japanese man stuck under my Spacebar.”


Photo by Abram Valdez.


“Chase, you gotta be careful how you spray Ninja Air around my place!“

“Dude… why? It is stealth incarnate!”

“Apparently the makers of this silent and deadly product failed to notice.“

“But there’s a ninja on the can. In today’s day and age it’s fucking badass!”

“Once they signified grace and acumen in combat but this shit is making my place smell like the Ho Chi Minh Trail!“

“But there’s that ‘Ask a Ninja’ thing on my bookmarks. So awesome, dude. Makes me laugh out loud.”

“Look at the can. He’s shooting dust and with giant claws. No wonder the spray is fucking my room up. I’m starting to think the makers of Ninja Air did not do their research about the art of Ninjitsu. This can of spray air does very little to remind me of ancient cloaked warriors. Listen to it blast. Is that Ninja Sound? Go home Chase, and take this loud can of stinky Asia with you.“


2. If your engine dies, try it again in three days.


Photo by Andrew Collins.

“I love my new Toyota FJ. All it’s missing is my faith.“

“Sir, for an additional seventy-five dollars we can modify the text on your vehicle so that everyone who isn’t you can be privy to your personal relationship with your deity of choice.”

“You mean like when I had the back of my Toyota say ‘Toy’? That was rock solid.“

“Just yesterday I customized a Volkswagon Vanagon to say ‘VolksBudda is VanaGreat’.”

“Except Buddha is bullshit.“

“Excuse me?”

“Well, I mean come on… Some fat Chinaman? What’s next, you’ll say Allah’s legit. Man, you’re funny!“

“It’s no laughing matter. For instance, I personally Heart Kali.”

“Man, you should do comedy. Shit’s priceless! So yeah, Jesus my SUV up, please.“

3. Almost as yummy as the Slump Slop Shit Slop Dinner Shitslash.


Photo by Andrew Collins.


Health food.

I mean, I’m not going to pre-judge Lean Cuisine’s new ‘Get Fused to the Couch’ line of products but I will say that it’s a bit of a conundrum. That someone would see a nondescript cheese/meat thing that looks like Tyler Durden’s fatbag BEFORE YOU EAT IT baffles me, but maybe I’m not the target audience.

I don’t own a Rancor.


4. “My blue screen of death has a pink thing of life rubbing up against it.”


Photo by Christopher Drake.


Imagine a workplace where someone in a nearby cubicle has this and loves to show it off. Then imagine how else this combination of horrible sense of humor and love of queasy raunch manifests itself in his life.

“Jack, I didn’t invite you to this BBQ.”


“But I live next door.”



“I didn’t want to have to say this in front of all these people, but if you send me another surveillance video of your daughter blowing her boyfriend I’m calling the Homeowner’s Association.”



5. The last cute thing a future abducted child will see.


Photo by Craig Nelson.



“Get in the car, Young Meat.”

“No way. My mom told me never to talk to strangers with cars whose rims are more expensive than the rest of the car.”

“Look in the back right panel.”

“Spongebob, Yay! Can we stop at the drug store for some candy and lubricant on the way to your sexy Romper Dungeon?”



6. 1DOUCHBYG.


Photo by Daniel Tieman.


I hope this guy gets fyr from his job.


7. They left “is” out.


Photo by Dan Spitzley.


EXCERPT:

10 PRINT “I love pope!”
20 GOTO 10


8. I hope for Purrrrrrmanent bodily harm.


Photo by Evan Dickson.

Bitch, just be glad you can afford a Jaguar and leave it at that.

9. They don’t care if you’re the Tiger Woods of scrubbing wheels, they don’t want you.


Photo by Evan Dickson.


“I don’t mean to intrude, but I think you might want to reconsider making an exception to your hiring policy”


“Get out of here man, don’t be wasting my time.”



“Look, I am the solution for your productivity problems.”


“What you talkin’ about?”



“One of your washers is in that hammock reading Black Inches.”


“What do you want?”



“I live to wash cars. By hand. I am a Harvard graduate and a former CFO at a major corporation who discovered my true passion is precisely what your business specializes in. I also live across the street and will work cheap, for my fortune is established.”


“Can’t you read? No hiring!”



“I also fix windshields. Fast. And there’s more…”


“They teach you reading at Harvard?”



“Here’s the kicker. My name is Rock Chip King. You don’t even have to change the sign!”

“I’m calling security. Hamish, put down that magazine and get this dumbass out of here!”

10. But God cannot contain the sexual energy of Joe Biden.


Photo by Jacob McCarty.


If it weren’t for the flag… I mean, if you don’t like the guy fine. Don’t vote for him. Promote the other guy, whatever. But to put the flag there to imply that God and American are synonymous is fucking dumb and a jab to the rest of Earth. Also, I don’t remember the two being in competition. I think I’d have remembered if we were asked to choose between the two.

I know what my decision would be if I were putting a basketball team together.




11. “Sir, you’re going to have to drive through there again. You survived.”


Photo by James Allen.


I think this sign is a self-fulfilling prophecy in sheet metal form. They see the sign, speed up, close their eyes, and hope for the best.

12. Monster II.


Photo by Jeff Obie.

“How do we really entice people to come to our event?”

“I’ve been told that a gigantic distended actress bursting from the rooftop is a sure bet.”

13. Guess who isn’t a Nats fan? Torii Spelling.


Photo by Joe Poulson.


Guess I’ll have to take my misspelled uniform joke out of 11 Colnels…

14. Mouthbreathers gotta sleep in the woods too!


Photo by John Makarewicz.


Adult sleeping bag. Because the size doesn’t give it away.

“Got a primordial child who’s just too large? We have the product for you!”


Then again, I can’t imagine NASCAR fans would know the arcane hieroglyph 84″ x 33″.

“Jody, those must be the coordinates of Dale’s grave!”

15. Cheney’s concession speech left a little to be desired.


Photo by John Makarewicz.


Can you imagine the kind of person who takes a permanent marker to the shitter, theoretically knowing that vandalism is a crime, and then writes something like this with their psuedo-criminal effort? Not some vital information about a girl who may or may not be up for some quintuple oral or the location of his magic load, but in calling his leader the most 6th grade insult ever. Amazing.




By the way:


“When I don’t have shoes on I can carry twenty olives!”




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