After finishing the “Fuck This Face” Quadrilogy, I sat there, braced for the onslaught from the Twilight Sucklings, people starved for a new book and a manual on hygiene with tons of spare time and hate for anyone with good taste.

I guess they’re too busy not being good. Here’s some of the stuff folks did send in.

It gives me faith in humanity to read what you wrote here.  thanks

-Chris

You have more faith than I do. – Nick

your awesome.

 – jp

Are you sure you aren’t a Twilight reader? – Nick

First, thanks to you and your team for making a positive contribution to my life by covering Let the Right One In (the soundtrack came in the mail yesterday).

With that said, I just read FUCK THIS FACE: LIVE FREE OR FUCK THIS FACE AND DIE. I don’t want to see Twilight now. I was thinking about it. I have access to it. After reading this article the question of whether or not to see it has been answered for me. I never intended to read the book or anything else by the author mentioned. Right now I’d rather stay focused on reading The Temple of the Golden Pavilion by Mishima and following that up with Ham on Rye by Bukowski. Twelve-year-old girls acting as superfans, writing inane questions that have likely been polished by some faceless pr rep can keep feeding their dollars to Twilight. I really don’t care. This interview tells me that Stephanie Meyer is a moron. No better word comes to mind. It’s absurd that this person has not read Dracula. What I’m getting at is that without reading this article I would have likely watched a terrible movie.

Thanks again.

-Andrew

It is my pleasure to hate this product (and that’s all it is) enough to warn our readers. – Nick

Nick…

I have been reading your work for years and this is you at your finest! Keep it up!

– Steven

I disagree but thank you! Please continue reading as I can pretty much guarantee tough times ahead (getting harder to afford this) and it’s the readers that will carry us. – Nick

Nick,

‘Lily is 12 years old. I hope her pussy dies.’

That really killed me. My nephew came out of his room wondering why the fuck was I gasping. When he saw, it killed him too.

I cannot wait for that review. It’s great seeing your stuff in more or less regular fashion as well – you’re no Lagerfeld, though.

– Eddie5

Haven’t been very regular these past two weeks but it’ll improve. – Nick

YES — you should really do a review of the book; if for no other reason than to confirm that Stephanie Meyer really DOES suck as hard as you think she does.

I barely made my way through Twilight and this is what I took away from it:

1) Meyers is guilty primarily of using sloppy, boring exposition. Case in point: One of Bella’s only character ‘quirks’ is that she is clumbsy. We know this because there are 8-10 instances where Bella or another character states that she is clumbsy.

2) There is essentially zero character development or peril. The height of the tension is when Edward’s family tries to hide Bella from the Bad Vampire. This involves multiple teams in a cross country game of cat and mouse — which, thanks to Meyer’s first person narrative takes place entirely while Bella is locked up in a motel room with nothing to do but wait for a call with the latest update.

3) Glittering vampires.

Stick a fucking gun in my mouth, Devin. If I have to suffer through this shit so should you.

– Jon

Hi, I’m Nick. The guy that wrote the article you’re responding to. Also, what’s a “clumbsy”? – Nick

Nick,
 
I want you to know that I have never been moved to actually write in to any features or join message boards. Im a casual Chud fan you could say. But never have I wanted to say “FUCK YES” more than when reading this feature. I have never been more ashamed at my gender than with the sucess of this shit – it feeds the rage in me like no other. Even worse is when two of my own friends, people I consider somewhat sensible humans, actually are fans. And funny as the sterotyping is, they are not 12 years old, nor are they fat social outcasts. They are 22 year old college students. THAT is even more frightening. In the light of wanting to preserve my friendship, I try not to rant at them about it every second.
 
I dont know anything about Stephanie Meyer, but reading that snippet of the interview you posted makes me want to cry. Never read Dracula – no vampire movies…. LINKIN PARK… I just…
 
All is lost.
 
-Sabina

Bitch needs a hammer to the cooze post haste. – Nick

 
I’ve been enjoying your “Fuck This Face” articles like a blowjob, man. Great stuff.

I’m in my final year of university. I’m 24 years old. I signed up for a Popular Fiction course, and was sad to see Twilight on the reading list. I saw the movie (for two bucks at the cheap seats), then read the book, then had some really fun class discussions (where it was sadly revealed to me that way too many 20+ year old female university students are in love with this series.) In the end, the reasons why Twilight sucks are really simple – the writing is terrible, the story is painfully unoriginal, and the vampires aren’t interesting. Everybody has a traumatic backstory that you’d think would grant them depth but instead is designed to make young girls and stupid people think it does; instead, it makes them tortured and dark and lame.

Stephenie Meyer is just a really poor author. When even your actors think the material sucks, there’s a problem.

And now, I have to go write an essay on why Twilight isn’t Literature. I am one of many university students at my school who are picking essay topics that let them tear into the book in a high-minded literary way (read: like pretentious pricks.) We’ve even had people do readings from the book at our literary magazine launch party, causing no small amount of hysterical laughter.

I hope you do more “Fuck This Face” when the next movie comes out. Perhaps along a Planet of the Apes title scheme?

-Peter

I have fucked my last face, unless that Mormon witch does something else to piss me off. Which means there’ll be plenty more Fuck This Faces. – Nick

This isn’t hatemail. Thank you for the ‘Fuck this Face’ series. It keeps my faith in mankind alive. I too want to write, be a writer and create things that people will pay me for so I can afford that jetski and collection of Generation 1 Transformer toys. But then you see Twilight doing so well, and it makes you question everything. I’m serious. This isn’t a joke. It depresses me. Should I be writing romance novels? Could I write a romance novel? Could I write a romance novel about … say … a young boring girl in an uninteresting town that falls in love with … say … a tall muscular boy who’s the star of the football team, keeps to himself, has oddly-shaped bolts sticking out of his neck and just so happens to be Frankenstein? I’ve thought about this. I mean using the Twilight method you just have to have a great struggle between the girl (we’ll call her “Katie” or some other generic name), “Frankie”  
and the townspeople trying to burn down his condo. Just rape the monster genre. Rape it till it bleeds.

I don’t want to be thinking about those things. I don’t want them in my head. I don’t want to have to even for a split second think…’Sure, I could do that. That’d get me that jetski, and I sure would love to have Starscream.’ I feel like a young actress considering porn.

I’ve sent your links to the girls I know. I want them to see the truth, but sadly, they won’t. They see Cedrick Diggory and wet themselves. His cheeks alone cause orgasms. But nonetheless, thank you for writing it. The most recent one about the EW article brought me great joy. I actually went to the theater to see the film with my girlfriend, but I paid for a ticket to Indiana Jones just so I wouldn’t contribute funds to the film. But I sat through it, and as someone hoping to get into film, it killed a small portion of that dream inside me.

Reading ‘Fuck this Face’ keeps that dream alive. So thank you. Please keep this going. Every time someone curses Twilight, an angel gets its wings. Good day.

– Glenn

You had me right up until the part where you mentioned intentionally buying additional tickets for Indiana Jones and the Holy Old. – Nick

God, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.  “Irreversible the pop up book”..  that would make a great stocking stuffer.

– Dana

Except the stocking wouldn’t want to be filled with the book but the book will go in the stocking anyway. – Nick

Mormons are fucking scarier than scientologists.

– Joshua

I agree. – Nick

Please read the book.  I can’t WAIT for that review. 

– Sean

I’ve got the new Reacher book and that Columbine book and am going over edits of our Grim Reaper novel. Fuck Stephanie Meyer and her horrible series of cock-shriveling mushroom clouds of NO. – Nick