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STUDIO: Warner Brothers
MSRP: $29.98
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 325 min
SPECIAL FEATURES: 

  • A preview of the animated Wonder Woman movie.

The Pitch

God exists and he’s American. Also, there’s a couple of other Americans and Nixon’s going on his eighteenth year as Prez.

The Humans

Tom Stechschulte and his thousand voices.

The Nutshell

Around 1986, Alan Moore watched a really kickass episode of The Outer Limits. Perhaps, he had a copy of Blue Beetle or The Question sitting by his television. Faster than you can say you’ve got your chocolate in my peanut butter, an idea was born. Quickly pitched to the brass tacks at DC Comics, the Americans grew antsy. You can’t have Nightshade getting raped, Alan. Schwartz wouldn’t like it and it would traumatize the kids. Needless to say, Moore had to take the time to create his own rape-worthy characters. Throw in a dash of dark and gritty and the four-color wet dream of nerds everywhere was born.

Says the man who stands in front of his costume case while bare-ass.

The Lowdown

“Joel Silver can eat my ass.” – Alan Moore*

Alan Moore’s been fucked in the ass more times than Bree Olson and the U.S. Economy combined. I can’t imagine what it must be like to work hard at my craft for years only to see it come undone in the eyes of the masses. Heather Graham as an English whore, Natalie Portman as an English whore, Peta Wilson as an English vampiric whore and so on. You would think that the poor guy buggered a gypsy at one point. But, that’s just the way Hollywood treats writers.

DC and Warner Brothers decided to take one more trip back to the ass well last year with the idea of Motion Comics. Since, Watchmen was on the horizon and Time/Warner likes synergy…they decided to Clutch Cargo their way through comicdom’s most beloved classic*.

The scene works a lot better if you play Lisa Loeb’s Stay while reading.

The people in Moore & Gibbon’s world are fractured souls that rely on the crutch of the costume adventurer. They need the thrills, they need the chase and they need the recognition of the public. Whether they’re hated or loved, they need to be known as these mythic figures darting in and out of the public eye. These are the bastard children of the Nuclear Age and they’ve outlived their usefulness.

Entering into the present day of an alternative 1985, we see that there’s no place for any superhuman that doesn’t work for the government. The Comedian and Dr. Manhattan are left as America’s play-things, as they move around the historical chessboard. When the Comedian is thrown to his death, his former Watchmen teammates are assembled to solve the crime. But, what can you make out of a plot to eliminate the seemingly retired?

Much has been said and made out of the characters in this seminal work. I’ve read papers about how Dr. Manhattan undermines the concept of free will in the Modern World. I’ve read angry blogs and newsletters slamming the Squid and Non-Squid endings of the incarnations of this story. I’ve seen Cos-Play girls dressed up as both Silk Spectres and I’ve seen one weirdo try to do blue semi-nude as Dr. Manhattan*.

Eddie Blake’s gonna have to shoot a bitch.

Out of these things I’ve seen, I’ve never seen a definite answer to what Watchmen is all about. That used to be the marker of a great work of fiction. A giant sprawling tale with all the trimmings, yet left open to the learned reader’s take. Is Tales of the Black Freighter or Under the Hood essential to your understanding of the main work? Who knows? It doesn’t matter how you get to the heart of the matter. What matters is that you take the time to enjoy the ride. The original graphic novel will forever be in print and at your fingertips. That way, DC doesn’t let the rights revert back to Alan Moore. Corporate bastardry at its best.

The story is spread across two discs, but it’s nicely displayed. You get amazingly sharp A/V Quality that shows off Gibbons & Higgins original art work with crystal clarity. It’s just the attempts at digitally creating FX shots and other quick motions that doesn’t play well to the eye. Motion Comics feels like a new fad, but I have a feeling that we’ve got one or two more major releases before this goes away. So, enjoy this DVD for being that special kind of oddity.

Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comic proves to be a rather slap-dash approach to a beloved story. Sure, seeing the actual comic pages animated might’ve been a cheap thrill around the year 2000. But, so close to the release of the film, it just feels like an afterthought. Why would I want to see piss-poor animation, when I can see Rorschach in IMAX? The time at hand is an embarrassment of riches for the geek culture fan. So, it feels a little silly to poo-poo something like this. But, it’s a product that had no real purpose. Naturally, a handful of readers will pick this up and store it away in their Comic Collectible troves. The only real value in this DVD being the imagined prospective future of the fevered comic book guy.

Peyo and Dave Gibbons presents Brussels after Dark.

The Package

Preview of Wonder Woman (2009) – The fellows at DC Animated have got themselves a new Wonder Woman film. Sure, it’s animated and not live-action. They can’t waste the time and effort on fantasy pictures for the gentler gender. No, it’s got to be something dark and gritty and pulled out of Christopher Nolan’s peehole.

  1. *This asterisk is to note that Moore quote was a work of parody protected by Falwell vs. Flynt (1984).

  2. *This asterisk is to note that I read the Watchmen floppies before you do. I’m fucking awesome.

  3. *This asterisk serves no purpose.

You bastards don’t read.

7.0 out of 10