I don’t get it.  I mean, of course I get it.  She’s a beautiful girl.  I’m a guy.  I love beautiful girls.  I do get it.  What I don’t get, and here goes the unpopular opinion, is all the male hysteria, all the near-unanimous talk that “Megan Fox is the hottest girl on the planet.”  Megan Fox has turned just about every grown man in America into a squealing teenage girl.

This has all happened very, very quickly.  A more rational mind might even suggest that it’s happened way too quickly.  This girl has been in one movie so far that anyone’s actually seen, and that one movie is unspeakable.  To her credit, she gave the most memorable performance in that movie, but that’s not saying much.  That’s just like being excited about finding an intact kernel of corn in a greasy turd.


Since that one movie, released in the summer of 2007, she was in that Simon Pegg movie, not that she helped the box office on it, and otherwise she’s appeared on about a thousand times more magazine covers than she’s appeared on film.  This summer she’ll appear in the sequel to that one movie, or “Return To The Potty” as I will call it for the purposes of this article, and she’ll probably once again be the prettiest corn kernel in the thing.  (Although I am a Shia fan and a Turturro fan – here’s hoping they get paid a bunch and move quickly on to cooler things.)


Back to the point:  I’m not writing this to knock on Megan Fox.  Again, she’s a beautiful girl.  The camera clearly loves her.  She may yet prove to be a decent actress.  She may be a perfectly nice person.  She’s absolutely hot.  I don’t disagree.


But seriously, guys – cold shower time.  She’s a hot girl, but she’s not the only one.  Why are we so focused on this one?


If we’re going with the virtue of hotness alone, there’s plenty of room for creativity.  There are several equal contenders out there.  Many are at least as hot as Megan Fox, and at least as good at acting (some clearly better).  And none of them have the tattoo problem.


I’m looking at the cover of the UK’s Empire magazine, which I think clarifies my reservation with Megan Fox’s hotness: 


It’s the tattoos. 


We’re an increasingly tattoo-friendly society, and personally I do see the artistry and the beauty in the practice.  But the problem with tattooing is that it so often goes so wrong.  Such is very much the case here.


Here is just a sampling of the tattoos currently adorning the lovely person of Megan Fox:




“there once was a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her heart”



“we will all laugh at gilded butterflies”



“Brian Austin Green”




Now that’s rough.  I’m sorry to do that to you.  But if I have to live with that knowledge and have it pretty much ruin the idea of Megan Fox, then so should we all. 


And now I know what you’re probably going to say in response.  You‘re going to say “Angelina Jolie!  Angelina Jolie!”  Okay, but Angelina Jolie has some things that Megan Fox doesn’t have, such as an immediately obvious ferocious screen presence, and a string of leading and supporting roles in at least as many good movies as otherwise.  Do you see Megan Fox working with Clint Eastwood any time soon?  Before you rush to award your top-of-the-line Angelina Jolie status to Megan Fox, get some perspective. 


I’m not even an Angelina Jolie kind of guy, as I’ve mentioned before.  Nor am I here to hurt the feelings of Megan Fox or of anyone who loves her.  I’m only here, as ever, to bring perspective, balance, and light unto the world.





And you can hate me now: