What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. Bless all the little children… and then WIPE ASS!
“I need some artwork, James.”
“I need you to create the ultimate image to represent changing a child’s diaper in a public restroom. Something where the kid is almost an item of worship.”
“Christ it up, Jimmy.”
2. Jim Abbott’s exclusive mail center.
Photo by Andrea Rothe.
“Why are your lines so slow here at the postal center?”
3. If you like this, we recommend Spirited Away.
Photo by Ben Appleby.
I’m going to assume there’s a misprint and that they meant that this was from the creators of Spirited Away, not Spirited Away. If I like this film I’m going to watch Spirited Away and see if it’s as good as this.
Spirited Away.
4. It’s beginning to look a lot like Xams!
Photo by Chris McKinley.
Even the owner doesn’t know! Is it a great gift? Is it even a gift? What the fuck is Xams, and why am I sitting on this bearded minotaur’s lap at the mall in March?
5. My other car is a WHTAKER.
Photo by Justin Waddell.
“Thank you for waiting in line three hours for your custom plate, sir. What can we do for you?”
“Sir I just work here, I’m not meant to…”
6. I’m gonna go get the papers get the papers.
Photo by Matthew Day.
Good thing is that print is dying and they need to do whatever they can to combat the poorly edited, grammar-deprived thieves on the internet.
7. This bush is a member of the Hung Jury.
Photo by Matt Turner.
This is the real Happening. A tree with a massive cock-on.
8. Actually, I have no interest in the seasonings the Nepalese want to put in my pot.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
What are they even trying to say here? You are a fucking fruit stand. Sell your fruit, go home, and be glad people are willing to eat your goddamned gross shit.
9. Jck and Jyll went up the hill…
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Why can’t parents just have their kids in possession of a name that doesn’t render spell-check software infertile? Scrolling through the rosters of NFL teams I get erroneous and seemingly dart-board created spellings and names like Dawan, Le’Ron, Kroy, Domonique, Jerious, De’Quell, Braylon, Donte’, Matterol, Morlon, Chaun in addition to the Chones and Cla and whatever else I see on baseball rosters and beyond.
It’s as if parenting became a method of showing off both people’s lack of expression in their real lives or their total disregard for spelling and logic. That’s not even including people who name their kid after pop culture icons.
Then there’s all the popular names out there. The Chases and the Hunters and the Brees and all the other annoying names I hear echoing through suburbia.
Fuck Madisyn. I hope she wakes up with a triscuit lodged in her colon.
I’ll take all this back if she has a brother named Jared-Syn.
10. Now with EXTREME BEING CAPTURED action!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
On one hand it’s cool to see toys of soldiers giving up. On the other hand, fuck that one hand.
11. Incompatible with the Nintendo S.ii.D.S.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
This warrants the uninvention of video games and the burning of 40’s infant Nolan Bushnell.
12. This exists and there’s still no toy line for Humungous.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
This was a gag gift for my father-in-law from someone in the family, a kind of playful jab for the fiercely conservative ex-Marine. It also made me gag, because it’s Hilary Clinton with serrated crotch action. This makes Teeth look like a Sid and Marty Krofft special.
13. Don’t punctuate & sentence finish !!!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“Welcome to career day at Elmer Reynolds Elementary School, Mr. Jones!”
“Everyone graduates from here, it’s not an achievement. It’s an elementary school. Can you tell the children about your career?”
I am the fellow they call to remove it from the pipe. I smash it until it isn’t so tight in there.”
“I see. Fascinating! I couldn’t help but notice your vehicle. Can you explain your catchy motto. “Don’t scream and yell call !!!”
14. “Looks like something off a gree card.”
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I stopped by the Lucas Ranch just before they did their annual Greedo Holiday Festival.
15. Somehow the saddest toy of all time.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Bucket Henry the Bucket Cat’s tale is a long but spiritual one. He was born alone in a litter of NONE. For his eleventh birthday he got a shirt. Then nothing good ever happened again.
16. “Set Phasers to CHRIST!”
Photo by Rowan Howard-Williams.
30 minutes of prayer and then half a day of Deep Space Nine. Pretty much the recipe for the worst day of my life.
By the way:
“Could Jesus walk on soup?”