THE LIST OF DUMB #46

What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

1. For All Your Shopping Needs…

Once they set up a tattoo removal parlor, a door hinge specialist, and a Icelandic Bakery I’ll buy into the idea of a department store as a valued destination.

2. “If you only buy ONE Pink Box this year…”

Seriously… PINK TOOLS? Is that what it takes to assume a woman might want to put that particle board cupboard together that’s been sitting in your basement since Lechmere went out of business? I seriously doubt that is the thing keeping a woman (or male fan of pink things not made of human skin) from using a set of tools is the color. I’d venture a guess that the color of a tool means less than nothing in the decision to use them and I think in my household we share 50% usage of our own black & yellow set. Maybe even 51/49 in her favor. This might be an indicator [FINALLY] that we need to stop judging things by their color.

3. “I’ll swap you my Translucent Anakin for your Translucent Gone in 60 Seconds villain and his bird!”

Heroes is an abomination. That it gets mentioned in the same sentence as Lost all the time is like comparing the NBA careers of Larry Bird and Jon Koncak. Heroes is the Jon Koncak of genre television shows. It’s the Kwame Brown. It’s the Harold Miner of mainstream science fiction shows. If basketball analogies don’t work, let’s try baseball. Heroes is Mike Hampton but more brittle. Heroes is Carl Pavano the Yankee. Heroes is Bryce Florie’s orbital bone mixed with Tony Saunders’ arm bone and Willie McGee’s face. In history Heroes is Benedict Arnold, only more traitorous. In transportation Heroes would be a Segway designed by Edsel.

I’ve seen a total of two Heroes episodes and got contact AIDS from it. That said, here’s an action figure for Christopher Eccelston, only invisible. Surprisingly, they used a different mold than they did for the Shallow Grave toy line. In the pantheon of bad accessories, I think a wallet, pigeon, and staff has to rank in the top ten. Hell, it may push aside some previous entries:

• The Copland Stallone toy that came with detachable hearing.
• The Jennifer Connolly Hulk figure that inexplicably came with the Requiem for a Dream ass dildo.
• The Linda Hunt Year of Living Dangerously doll with flippable gear.
• Mac and Me playset variant that was just Me.

4. They’re also fully prepared for Y2K.

I’m glad the people that police the folks who wantonly shoot animals utilize the same scrutiny as people who… I dunno… drive 5 miles over the speed limit.

5. Odds this guy is THEASSHOLE. 100%.

I don’t care if this guy’s last name is Wolf or his first and middle names are Wolf Wolf, this license plate sucks a hard cock. I don’t care if this guy’s blood boils and skin shreds once a month and he roams the countryside gobbling goats and kicking vampires in the face, this license plate feeds on the balls of man. Chances are more likely that this guy is in sales and came up with the nickname himself. Because he sells shit without mercy. Like a Wolf. Howl. He probably has a system in his contact manager of clients who are sheep, ones that are bulldogs, and ones that are other wolves than need to be taken to task by the Alpha. I hope Audi explodes.

Apologies if this is the personal automobile of legendary saxaphone player T. Hewolf.

6. If you like this one thing, you should buy this one thing again.

Perfectly applicable, because if you are a fan of Twilight you’ve already proven you are as close-minded and sheeplike as a persona can be and are both unwilling and unworthy of discovering the stuff of actual merit in this world filled with imagination and creativity.

7. Um.

Possible hidden meaning to this rear window display of ignorance in life:

• The driver is a bigger fan of a dead hick than spelling.
• The driver considers himself a ladies man (ie: sharing one Coors Light per case).
• If you question his proofreading he’ll beat you up.
  
• Yes.
  

8. I chose right in quitting Catholicism at age 9.

This is a microcosm of bads. Everything here speaks to me like an obscure text speaks to Dan Brown’s need to buy another yacht. The cockeyed placement and rushed application of the sticker melds with the horrible net abbreviation over a bouquet of close-minded religious belief set against a slyly patriotic tapestry atop a subtle backdrop of the spare tire/prophylactic suggests that the driver is deeply in touch with the divine… and could be a lot closer if only one of us could nudge his car into a wobbly fence at the edge of a cliff.

9. “I’ve got a massive dump, and you guys are coming with me! Yes, even you, Crippled Uncle Teddy!”

The proliferation of family restrooms scares me. It is because kids are getting surprisefucked too much? Is it because people complain when someone who’s the same sex as them bring their kid who’s a different sex into the bathroom? Are they that out of touch with the crushing weight of being a human being? In this life you’re going to have to endure some trials. Maybe a little girl’s gonna see you pissing into a urinal, both hands on the wall like you’re under arrest from Wonder Woman’s plane. Maybe a little boy’s going to find out that women get the runs too, and they are loud and sneaky stinky. Maybe a kid’s going to see you flare up with massive hard at the sight of their four year old outie. These are simply a part of the magical, mystical ride we call life on Earth.

10. Someone paid Wayne Brady.

If I could go back in time I’d shoot Hitler before he did damage and on the ride home I’ll drop a battleship on Mrs. Brady. Time will tell which choice leads to more harmony.

11. The Tin Man got the next best thing! A goddamn Audi.

Photo by Nick Nunziata.

I’m crestfallen at the sight of this and I don’t even know why.

12. Options Include: A gun and a bullet. A rubber hose, a car and a garage. A rope, a chair, and a rafter.

The irony is that a vampire cannot admire themselves. It’s the caveat to their impressive giftcurse. Mirror sales went down drastically the year vampire happened.

13. Also Available: The Issue of Car & Driver with CARS!

I tend to favor Playboy’s issues devoted strictly to clothing.

14. “Dude, that beret looks bitchin’ on Christ and Mary’s tramp stamp gives me a massive!”

I shouldn’t be cruel because I’ll be first in line when the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies play there this Sunday.

15. Rendering Mustangs Uncool Forever!

I am flabbergasted. Robin Williams is Flubbergasted. Juice Newton is Unlistenable.

By the way:

“Mother said I smelled bad so I got closer to flowers!”

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