THE LIST OF DUMB #45

What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

1. If So, KILL ME NOW.

I don’t care who you are, how badly your parents fucked up, or what side of the tracks you live on. If Burger King is in the top 20 of ANYTHING in your life you should mull skipping both Burger King and life. I don’t mean to be cruel but your future is the AntiJesus.

2. “Nothing excites me more than MOIST CLOTH OH HOLY FUCK MOIST CLOTH!“

While I appreciate Kleenex’s wise decision to use a screen grab from my favorite Shizer film [Stool Hand Luke] as the marketing motif for their new product line, I don’t know if anyone in this world or the next has the need for excessive enthusiasm over an item you use mostly to erase mistakes in your life or to wipe your shot off your beloved before it bonds them to the blanket.

3. Where Oedipus Dines.

I recommend the Momgolian Beef or the Steamed Pot Stickdadswife.

4. In direct competition with Amos’s Freezers & Circumcision Tool Shop.

“You again.”

“Fine. How did your American Flag Repair Shop fare?”

“And your patent for the Briefcase Toilet?”

“What can I do for you today?”

5. Your Pants Won’t Even Have To Come Off.

Luckily my desire to drop loads is stronger than my fear of public nudity.

6. In this market they may trend a little towards being downgraded to Diarrhea.

I’m much more concerned about the “Do It Yourself Hearse” parked there than the fecal housing community.

7. Well There’s One Reason!

Let me help you decide:

• Because most other people are horrible.
• Because white cars are boring as fuck.
• Because an abbreviation isn’t an abbreviation if it’s the same amount of goddamn letters.
• Because people don’t realize there’s no shortcut to cool.
• Because people choose to drink Coors Light thinking it’s healthy.
  
• Because many of you people are dumb and have archaic belief structures.
• Because High School Musical is a successful franchise.
• Because there are more people plotting presidential assassinations right now than there should be.
• Because Miley Cyrus has more wealth than all of us combined.
• Because Dave Davis and I don’t talk anymore.
• Because no one knows what bowlegged William L. Petersen.
  
• Because Bluetooth.
• Because Twilight came out today. You know that, right? Right?
• Because the Amish haven’t set up a press release to say “Just kidding these past couple a hundred years!”
• Because werewolves aren’t real.
• Because Southern Baptists are.
  
• Because Tracy Ullman, despite her talent, still looks like a Troll Doll.
  
• Because no one has invented flame retardant California houses.
• Because David Mamet and Tim Burton doesn’t realize that they’re married to the weak link in many of their films.
• Because the weird way IGN pages load.
• Because people still think I want to hear about their college drug days.
• Because Hannukah.
  
• Because some interviewers for websites forget that they’re not the focal point of an interview.
• Because people give a fuck who Jennifer Aniston is sleeping with.
• Because people hate the last act of No Country for Old Men.
• Because people love all the acts of The Bridge to Terabithia.
• Because I remembered the name of that movie.
• Because Nailin’ Palin will make money.
• Because my Nailin’ Cleese won’t.
• Because The Dark Knight has spoiled Aaron Eckhart for all the superhero movies I want him in.
• Because Stuffit Expander has always sucked.
• Because John Hodgeman’s act wears thin over two books.
• Because I can’t wear Michael Crichton hand-me-downs.
• Because it’s thirsty work being the best writer ever to walk the Earth.
• Because it sucks seeing thirsty better writers all around me.
• Because I wasn’t so damn lovable when I was single.
• Because I love animals and regret buying most of them.
• Because I love animals and their holes are too tiny to accommodate my girth.
• Because people still think Internet writers are slovenly social misfits.
• Because the Braves ain’t gettin’ Peavy.
• Because Kiss and Van Halen suck so hard now that I regret loving them at all.
• Because people like to shoot deer.
• Because people like to shoot drugs.
• Because people like Shoot ‘Em Up.
• Because everything else all the time everywhere.
  

8. Lost the Election, Gained an Erection.

“Why did you vote for Robin?”

9. “This one’s papery. Oooh, so is this one. And this one too!”

I’m still having trouble differentiating the taste from Arby’s.

10. I know we all look the same, but…

I got a good deal on a 1992 Kevin Tighe, a precocious yet nuanced 2001 Dermot Mulroney, and a robust 1975 Charles Durning.

11. “Calm the fuck down. You’re MECHANICS for God’s sake.”

Photo by Nick Nunziata.

A car mechanic shop is as close to amazing as I am to octadextrous. Fuck a mechanic in the mouth, it’s all they’re good for.

12. Jesus Tastes Better Breaded and Fried.

It’s bad enough that Chick Fil-A is closed on Sundays for religious reasons and typically in direct correlation with my own body’s chemical desire for their food. Yeah, I’m a Sundayfeeder. It’s also bad enough that I crap Rosary Bead Pellets after consuming said annihilated fowl and that I have to denounce Satan with each delicious bite. I draw the line at their new policy of having to bring evidence of being in a church to get a discount. They never seem to appreciate when I bring in my Danzig concert stubs so why should I cater to this injustice?

13. Buying Toilet Paper is like Having Your First Child.

I gave my wife this shitpaper and she got on one knee and proposed undying servitude to me. Kroger knows something we men don’t about what constitutes joy on Earth. A nice wipe of the ass bundled with thousands of interconnected identical twins, sealed in plastic and softer than the love of the forefathers. What I’m trying to say is that “Inspire Joy” might be reaching a little too high in the signage department at the asshole cleaning section of a store. I love to tidy up my Venus Backmound as much as the next guy but the goal is always businesslike satisfaction and rarely anything approaching joy. Perhaps I need to try more Scott products. Not Scott the man. Scott the poop grooming brand.

14. “Stop the anal thrusting for a second, I missed a spot.”

I should have been wary when Seymour Butts asked me to be his handyman.

By the way:

“Grandfather is blind as a bat. Grandmother is sleeps in cave as a bat.”

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