F-Marry-Kill is a new little column in which we quickly look over the career of a talent and categorize their works. F: You could probably like it, but there’s not much to brag about. Marry: This is really worth it, and you should experience it. Kill: That didn’t went well. Note: I won’t list everything the particular talent has been involved in, only stuff I’ve seen myself. Feel free to voice your own opinion!
Okay, let’s do this!
The Chosen One:
Jessica Alba
Now known as the super successful CEO of billion dollar company The Honest Company, Jessica Alba of course is one of the most influential actresses (keep reading) of the last decade. Always a good sport, Alba is known for always being sweet, uncomplicated, and for cleverly using her attractiveness in ways that she watches over tightly, never allowing exploitation. She’s probably the ultimate sex symbol of the 2000s, but she’s never been nude on film, and never been involved in any scandals.
Compared to others such as Cate Blanchett, Alba might be really limited in her range, but she truly knows that. Instead, Alba has swum with sharks, starred in the best Fantastic Four movie so far, and she made out with Danny Trejo. Which means: Eat her shorts, Blanchett!
These are her watchable works:
Fantastic Four + Rise of the Silver Surfer: Both of the previous Fantastic Four movies got a lot of shit back in the day, but the newest adaptation makes it look better than ever. Actually, it never was that bad to begin with. It’s light fare, and while it never reaches the competence of the MCU, it’s fun, colorful and never scared of coming off as goofy. It could have been better, yeah, and Alba was probably absolutely miscast, but at least she appears to be breathing.
Honey: There have been many generic movies about aspiring dancers or singers in the last years, but secretly….. all of them have been fairly good, for bland fantasy flicks, and Honey is no exception. It does the job, even without showing any actual honey, or bees. Or cops in bear suits kicking cult women in the face.
Idle Hands: A cute, weird, strange little horror comedy with Devon Sawa, who really should have stayed a bigger name.
Machete Kills: The sequel goes a little too crazy, but it’s easily worth its 90 minutes, if only for Mel Gibson’s great antagonist.
Stretch: Do you even know this exists? Patrick Wilson plays a stretch limousine driver named Stretch (get it) who has the craziest night ever. It’s off-beat, it’s violent, it’s mostly funny, and you really need to see this for Chris Pine’s great weirdo.
There simply aren’t “great” movies of hers if we define great as in ‘Lawrence of Arabia is great’. But these are most certainly the best she’s done:
Dark Angel: Many don’t know about this, but James Cameron created this futuristic TV series about a genetically modified group of teenagers. Alba starred as super soldier / bicycle messenger who tries to find out about her past while eluding the people who had created her. She’s really great in it, and it might even be her best role. The series introduced another talented actor: Jensen Ackles, and the two of them always made for a great team. It’s only two seasons, and you’ll have to read a novel to get to the final end, but it’s worth your time.
Into the Blue: Yes, I love this movie. It’s just stunning to look at and if you the ocean, sharks, treasures, and the aesthetics of attractive humans in swimwear, the diving adventure of both Alba and the late Paul Walker packs a lot of fun. Also, Alba is in a bikini for most of the runtime and still the director manages to take her seriously as a character. It’s not Lady MacBeth, but better than anything they did in the dtv sequel (don’t ask why I saw that too).
Machete: This is just so much fun.
Sin City: Can Jessica Alba’s dance in this be called iconic? I bet it is, for everyone who grew up with Britney Spears and Limp Bizkit. Also, a simply amazing movie.
Awake: Oh boy. This has Hayden Christensen (who I usually like) as a patient who encounters anesthesia awareness. It’s a thriller full of twists, and none of them hit. I could barely stay awake during this.
Entourage – The Movie: Alba has only a small cameo in the overly disappointing conclusion that was the douchebags go Hollywood show. Me and my entourage really enjoyed some of the series during its run, especially Piven as Ari Gold, but the movie adds nothing to it and even lazily skips over the solution of his half-hearted conflict. But I’d be open for that Rhonda Rousey armbar challenge.
Good Luck Chuck: Alba is really cute in this, but it’s that Dane Cook movie.
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For: How the mighty have fallen. While the first can be called a masterpiece, the sequel is a bland, tiring piece of laziness. No one seemed to actually want this, and it shows. It also proved that having an attractive actress show up naked for most of the runtime doesn’t cut it.
Spy Kids 4 – All the Time in the World: You should have no time for this.
The Eye: The original is a great little horror flick, but the remake is a boring, rather uninspiring mess.
The Love Guru: I love the Austin Powers trilogy, but the Love Guru is Myers’s only other true disappointment besides The Cat in the Hat. Fun thing is that Alba plays the manager of an ice hockey team in this. A position many couldn’t believe her in. Now she’s the actual CEO of a billion dollar company, and she can laugh about having starred in this.
The Killer Inside Me: An odd choice of hers. Super dark, and Alba’s character gets beaten to death. It seriously disturbed me and made me sick to my stomach. Maybe it had to do with Alba mostly acting in colorful family friendly movies before that, but I really hated watching this. It’s probably a hit on movie evenings feat. Gaspar Noe’s I Stand Alone, Man Bites Dog, and A Serbian Film.
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So, what do YOU think? Would you rank them the same way? And this is probably one of the few Jessica Alba related articles on the whole web not decorated with lingerie or bikini images. It’s possible!
List of FMK articles:
F-Marry Kill #1: Jessica Alba
F-Marry-Kill #2: Jessica Biel