What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. SUCK HIM UNTIL HE’S NOT HARD ANYMORE.
I was at Best Buy for the first time in ages recently price shopping laser printers and I noticed that one of the boxes of the Iron Man video game had this little sticker on it. A little research was done and I discovered that this is some promotional deal for an ice pop manufacturer, both solidifying my rank as an upper echelon private dick and as someone who’s better off NOT KNOWING.
I want to live in a world where Man of Popsicle dwells, doing his good deeds well under the auspices of the regular folk and demanding nothing in exchange besides appreciation and the desire to spread his sticker campaign across the globe. Little calling cards to remind us of a purer time, a time where we were not so desperately in need of Man of Popsicle.
As an aside, how bored do you have to be to be in charge of marketing at an ice pop manufacturer and decide to create a fake frozen hero like Man of Popsicle? What’s his kryptonite, a few minutes outside of the fridge? A few aggressive licks? Here’s how you sell ice pops to the masses:
“It’s hot. These are cold.”
What if there was a superhero for every food item for sale in this country? We could see massive crossovers that’d put Marvel and DC to shame. We could finally see who’d win in a battle between Cool Ranch Carl and Vegan Hot Dog Gladiator. We could vote en masse to determine who should lead the Society of the Perishables. My vote’s on Super Hungry Jack, for obvious reasons but you can’t count The Invincible Lettuce Bag, Forceful Macaroni, or the politically questionable Doo Rag Stompin’ Aunt Jemima.
2. TALL PEOPLE LOVE CHRIST.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“I love Christ so much but I don’t know how to express my love!”
“Have you seen the price of gas? Plus, it’s hard to make someone uncomfortable if they politely say ‘no thanks’ and close the door.”
“Everyone on the internet is a child raper or gay.”
“Hmmmmm. I know!”
“I’m 6’2! I’m going to slap a sticker with Jesus’ name in a parking garage!”
3. DRAGONLANCE ARMSTRONG.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I saw this shleb biking recently, and while I should be applauding his decision to save on gas and not waste and be giving him kudos for trying to get a handle on his health all I can do is point and laugh at how silly his little helmet looks and how his fashion choices accentuate his total poopness. I don’t mean to Dragon*Condescend, but I don’t have the gift of restraint.
4. DON’T DO RUGS.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“Mom, school’s starting up and I need to make sure I am equipped to learn math!”
5. COLLARED, GREEN.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
There is no right time to ever wear your collar up. None. You deserve every hardship that befalls you because of this.
6. GET HIRED IN FUCKSLUMTOWNSHITWORLD.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“Where am I, the Toxic Avenger’s Tree House?”
7. LACK TO SCHOOL SALE!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Just in case your kid wants to decorate the dick out of a cake. Or needs spare parts for Wonder Woman’s plane.
8. WELL, IT’S DEFINITELY FOR PUSSIES…
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I have to dim the lights and turn on some sweet soulful sounds when it’s time for Whisker Lickin’s Tender Moments, if you know what I’m saying…
First off, who’s the asshole in charge of apostrophes over at Purina? I want to carjack him while he’s on foot. Is this to imply that Whisker Lickin is a BEING who has a signature recipe that he/she/gofuckyourself is sharing with us? And what are these tender moments I’ve been hearing about? This is creeper than 8MM. I have this image burned into my head of some fucker named Whisker Lickin living in the recesses of the Purina factory tossing ingredients together to make cats come. I don’t want my cat to be thrilled to be alive. I don’t need that kind of shit, a cat who’s ingesting over the counter aphrodisiacs while I’m trying to live my life five feet away.
Worse yet, what if the apostrophe doesn’t belong? What if it’s an easy mistake and Whisker Lickins is just a brand that Purina has created to appease cat owners who somehow give a shit about the horrible shit they feed their cat that looks and smells and probably tastes just like the other shit they shit their shits.
Don’t waste my time with cute catphrases.
9. WE GRAMMAR PRACTICE FOREST WATER PLANNING HEARTH.
Photo by John Makarewicz.
Boats don’t underway.
10. “EAT OUR FOOD AND YOU’LL LOOK THIS SAD TOO!”
Photo by Renn Brown.
There should be a license required to post signs. The clip art of the Smiley Face Who Just Toured Auchwitz should be the most offensive thing about this snippet of red death but it isn’t. Who the fuck types “TRY OUR NEW!!!” and decides SENTENCE ACCOMPLISHED?
11. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO TASTE LIKE COCK?
Photo by Renn Brown.
My cock’s much better looking than this. Only one claw, and the red teardrop almost never happens except when I’m in a hurry to rip my zipper open.
12. “I WANT A CUSTOM PLATE BUT I HAVE NO SOUL. WHAT DO I DO?”
Photo by Paul Marquis.
Jim Johnson of Bland, Iowa moved to California and wanted to shake it up a little. He bought a short-sleeved shirt, didn’t iron his socks for a whole week, gave the wife a making love in the prone position, and went to the motor vehicle to showcase his burgeoning spirit.
He then took a wrong turn on Crenshaw and was pistol-raped for 11 hours.
13. CLICK ON DOTORG.ORGDOTCOME.EDU~MINDSPRING
Photo by John Makarewicz.
Well, the internet is pretty new so I can understand why it might be tough to figure that shit out. Wow, does this mean that what we see on the news isn’t 100% stone hard fact? Wait, Larry King did something harebrained? Say it ain’t so!!!!!
14. IT SHOOTS GLUE TOO!
Photo by Jeremy Butler via the web, similar pics also sent by Ryan Bean.
I think we need a new dawn of toys where everything is anatomically correct. I’m serious. I want cocked and caverned boy and girl Playmobil figures all over my kid’s room and I want the toys to proudly display their wares because we shouldn’t be ashamed of our amazing piss pipes.
I also want my Chronicles of Riddick figures to spend a lot of time a little too close to all of my sweaty and strapping G.I. Joes, just as nature intended.
15. “I AM OFFENDED BY PHOTOS OF BEARS.”
Photo by Matt Johnson.
I always knew that violence Polar-izes but this is a shock.
By the way:
“During pizza my sister sometimes smiles sausage!”