What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. WHICH CRUSTACEAN?
This is confusing. Is Publix the KING OF CRUSTACEAN or is the store manager the KING OF CRUSTACEAN? Also, shouldn’t someone named Rich DiRocco be working the night shift at the Atomic Hoagie Shop? Also, am I missing something? Did the world’s crustacean population get rocked by famine and intrigue, leaving just one easy to conquer beast? Or is the competition between grocery chains so strong that each location has to illustrate their fiefdom and lordship and shits? More likely some rambuncitious IT person with a very low tolerance for education ran roughshod over the Publix franchise with his/her ill-conceived notions of what constitutes the kind of rhetoric that’ll inspire shoppers to return to the chain. Looks like Public will have to go to India for their tech support needs.
2. 2%. ALL THE TIME!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“I’m into Fage!”
“Oh Heavens! No, I mean I love the product! FAGE.”
“No, it’s good stuff. I really love their total 2%.”
“It’s really good and it’s total 2%.”
“It’s never impossible. It’s totally 2% possible all the time.”
3. Shitter With The Red Dress, Red Dress On! Shitter With The Red Dress On!
Photo by Stephen Lambrechts.
“This air freshener is no joke. I had two martinis and a bowl of chili and all I can smell is Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds because that’s the scent of sophistication. I’m already three-quarters of the way through this dump and though my hindquarters are working overtime to create something truly malevolent, this air freshener is more than up to the task. I’m astounded. It’s like anteater except instead of ants it eats up shit smell. I might just stay here a while and totally not get high off my total non supply.”
4. Calista Flockhart = Skim.
Photo by Justin Starr.
This ought to be a t-shirt. It’d be totally cool to have a chick flaunting her heaters to guys who’ll then go to jail when they grab them and make love to them because she was asking for it. I’m flummoxed. What the fuck is a Human Milk Formula Preparation Area, aside from every woman’s sternal region? Are we finally making strides towards doing away with ladies, because I’ll totally be able to finish my rewrite of the scriptures with that kind of newfound spare time. I’m going to call it the King Ghidorah Bible and it makes a ton more sense. Noah compares scars with Quint and Brody while coming up with recipes for two of damn near every animal and wait until you read about the Members Only jacket of shitloads of colors. OK, if we have the technology to recreate the milk all we need is research into how to automate dish washing and food preparation.
“…”
5. I Just Bought a Scatman Crothers and Two Charles Durnings!
Photo by John Makarewicz.
Now you know where Mom and Pop stores come from.
6. “Dan… we all sat you down to tell you… YOUR UNCLE DAVEY MISSES YOU!!!!!!”
Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.
Who on Major Bludd’s green Earth would fall for a psychic intervention’s? Wouldn’t you see that coming? Especially with the big sign out front.
“Get in the car, Baxter.”
Wait, I’m a dummy. I didn’t see the apostrophe. This isn’t some sort of bizarre faux mindfuck shindig. It’s a residence!
I’ll be damned, it’s good ‘ol Psychic Intervention’s place! I’ve long wondered how he was doing and now I know. AND JUDGING BY THE ORNATE LANTERNS, HE IS DOING WELL.
7. Shop at Scaramanga’s Pawn Shop.
Photo by Steve Murphy.
The clientele is very exclusive here. While there’s no shortage of coins and DVD’s, finding gold guns is rough unless you tweak the settings on your N64.
8. One of the Best Entrees at Ghost Rider’s Bakery.
Photo by Andrea Rothe.
I got so excited when I first saw this until I realized this wasn’t a link to candid photos of Larry Storch. Looks like my classified ad goes unanswered for the thirteenth straight year.
9. Now You’re Just Making Park Names Up.
Photo by Mark Tenn.
Willy Wong was a simple man. He liked chives. He liked Hogan’s Heroes. He liked going into playgrounds and puking on his penis to entertain the kiddies. One day he did it and slipped on a sprinkler unit and broke all of his fists. He sued the San Francisco Parks and Recreation Department and won. As a result he has his own little universe where kids can be kids and men can be behind them.
Oh shit, this isn’t THAT Willie “Woo Woo” Wong? It’s some basketball player?
Since when did basketball skills trump a good pukedick?
10. “And The Winner of the 10K is… I AM SAM!”
Photo by Kent Reynolds.
There’s a reason retards are fast. If they were slow you could capture them and put them in the 100 gallon tank you just set up in the garage. Sure, you’ll have to move the live rock and the pistol shrimps, but a little gravel and driftwood and a few Crystar figures and you have yourself a fully realized retard environment. That’s insensitive. Retards are total 2% people.
Actually the retards are the people willing to pay $2.60 for Marlboros.
11. Why So Yahoo Serious?
Photo by Joe Salhab.
This photo made George Stephanopoulos speechless. It made Georgia peachless. It made Lew Alcindor reachless. It make Dustin Diamond Screechless. It made Christa McAuliffe teachless. It made Brian Wilson Beachless. It made Johnny Butane Creechless. It made Stacy Keachless. It made Willem Dafoe’s character in Speed 2 leechless.
12. Logic 57, Organized Religion 0.
Photo by Chris Hayes.
Weird thing is that the figure on the left is Tilda Swinton and the one on the right is reknown bagpipe virtuoso Paddy O’Reachapart.
13. “Let this be a penisbeacon to the lot of you!”
Photo by Matthew Day.
It’s good to know that dude from The Little Mermaid poster’s getting work.
14. So Much For My Porn Name…
Photo by Matthew Day.
There’s really no market that can’t be ruined or perfected by a product bearing the Thunder Nipples moniker. Think it over and you’ll know I’m right. And remember, when you see Tit Lightning… count the seconds before the Thunder Nipples to know how much of a lead you have on them.
15. “This is not what I meant when I said it was my dream to be penetrated by Al Kaline!”
Photo by Matthew Day.
True Story:
I skipped school one day as a 7th grader and was playing in my garage with an axe, cutting up Star Wars toys for fun (as as pre-emptive George Lucas creative voodoo) when I accidentally slammed down on a D battery. It exploded and the battery acid shot out into my eyes. I blinked just in time but it burned the area around them, creating a weird “raccoon” effect. I was blinded and called my dad’s office by feel on the phone. They got me to the hospital where they put dye on my eyes, finding that I’d scratched my retina and I had to be treated like some bizarre oddity, wearing mirrored sunglasses to school for a few weeks. Now that wouldn’t make me an oddity. It’d make me a poker player.
False Story:
I climbed Mt. Everest and let the Yeti handfuck me.
Battery Sharpening Story:
There are none.
By the way:
“Every day our mailbox makes paper babies!”