DVD REVIEW: POSTAL

The Pitch

“The latest in Uwe Boll’s quest to adapt every video game ever made into a shitty film!”

The Humans

Director:  Uwe Boll
Writers:  Uwe Boll and Brian C. Knight
Starring:  Zack “Farkus” Ward, Dave Foley, Verne Troyer

The Nutshell

Zack Ward stars as the Postal Dude. After having a crappy day
where he fails at finding a corporate job and then returns home to his trailer
park to see his morbidly obese wife sleeping around with a toothless
hillbilly, he’s had enough. He joins forces with his Uncle (Dave Foley) and his hippie
cult to break into Uwe Boll’s Nazi-gold funded “Little Germany” theme park to steal a shipment of rare Krotchy dolls to
sell on Ebay. Unfortunately for them, Osama Bin Laden and his Taliban goons
have the same plan, and they all converge on the same place. Death
ensues, Verne Troyer is stuffed into a briefcase, and the cops are
after the Postal Dude’s trail.

So obviously, completely sound premise for a brutal, irreverent comedy. How could someone mess it up?

The Lowdown

This
is going to be brief, since I already reviewed this film right after
its NYC premiere back in April. Head to that link for the full details on why this movie is garbage. But I ain’t going to spend another
1,500 words going over why this movie fails, utterly and completely.

It all boils down to this: Uwe Boll does not know comedy. He doesn’t
know timing, he doesn’t know dialogue, and he sure as shit doesn’t know
how to shoot it. The only time his movies are funny is when they’re not
supposed to be. Postal has enough great ideas in it to have been a
really funny, satirical cult film in the years to come, but instead
it’s just a nonsensical mess. It could have been fantastic in the right
arms, but as Boll has shown time and time again, his aren’t the ones. 

“So, has Building 7 been destroyed as planned?”

“Yes!
The silly Americans will buy up anything! To think that a building
would collapse after having two skyscrapers fall on it and then having
a fire rage unchecked for half a day! Hahaha!”

It really is a shame, actually, because there are hints of greatness here and there. Perhaps the inevitable direct-to-dvd sequel will get a better director and writer at the helm. 

Some decent extras.

There’s a feature length
commentary by Boll, who drops a few interesting tidbits when he’s not
ranting about the government, such as a list of some of that actors that passed
up the film, like Jamie Kennedy in the lead role, or Rob Schneider and
Ron Perlman who passed on the part that Foley eventually got. He makes
fun of all of them (along with others like David Cross and Sarah
Silverman) for not doing the film and only working on Hollywood drivel,
acting like they didn’t dodge a bullet (nuclear friggin’ bomb, rather)
by skipping this movie.

It’s an interesting commentary, actually, as he focuses much more on the
business end of making movies than simply making them, as if that wasn’t
already obvious from his career. The guy even takes a phone call during
the commentary. I’m not even fucking joking. You’re treated to Uwe
going “Hello? Hello?” for a minute or so. Must not have been that into
the film.

Besides that we’ve also got video of the “Raging Boll” boxing matches that were set up in 2006. If
you haven’t heard about the event, the director was pissed at all of the critics
who called his films out for being what they are, and challenged a bunch of them to meet in the boxing ring. He absolutely decimates them all, and it’s pretty
fun to see him just taking apart his obviously unskilled opponents.

There’s also a small behind the scenes feature of a day of shooting on the Little Germany set, and a quick bit by Verne Troyer where he calls out Indiana Jones. (Postal was supposed to open against The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull before distributers pulled the film out of most of its theaters.)

The biggest feature though is the inclusion of the complete Postal 2 videogame; actually Postal 2: Feel the Pain,
the disc that has both single and multiplayer modes. The game is not
that great. It’s not completely terrible- it’s impossible to fully hate any
videogame that gives you a gas can and lets you set people on fire, and
then piss on them to put it out. But for a title that’s supposed to
give you complete freedom on what you can do, there sure isn’t a lot to
do here. You’ll likely get sick of it before finishing it.

That said, it’s still a helluva lot more entertaining than this film.

“Cry baby, cry!”

OVERALL: 3.5 out of 10