What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. “I’ll Be Back Hon, I’m Going Out For Some Findings.”
I am in awe. The twenty ton balls of a store to offer up FINDINGS. Fucking findings. Shit, if they can have Batteries Plus and The Container Store, I want Findings Hut to be in every mall in and around town. Findings. This pleases me beyond repair. And for only forty-nine cents!
2. But My Dick Has This Copyright!
Photo by Victor Broadley.
Have you ever been walking around in your pajamas or naked and had that telltale rumbling in the deepest pits of your person and only been kept from creating a warm delicacy to solve your ills because there was no spray can filled with the mixed items you so desperately craved? Solved. I am of the belief that if it comes out of a compressed air can, the item is no more than 60% foodstuff. Batter in a can. I will give you that pancake mix is sometimes a pain in the ass to create, mix to gooey goodness, and deliver to the pan without a sticky armageddon, but pancakes [and to a far lesser extent, waffles] are one of those risk/reward delicacies. With great flour comes great responsibility.
3. Just When I Thought It Couldn’t Get More Annoying.
Photo by Jeremy Butler.
First of all, yes… I hate Guitar Hero and Rock Band and I probably wouldn’t if I didn’t have to endure countless annoying automatons playing the demo units at stores the world over, but that’s not important. What is important is that while the Nintendo DS incarnation of this silly game seems to be inventive and interesting, this is worse than falling into 9 maelstroms. If you’re going to pony up for this overrated product, just get the big version and eliminate the MIDI man. This is a handheld holocaust.
4. But My Dick Has This Copyright!
Photo
by Nick Nunziata.
There should only be one product allowed to be called SQUIRT FUN, and it ain’t this. It ain’t the official Twilight Zone: The Movie toy helicopter either.
5. But My Dick… Never Mind.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I don’t know about you but I don’t care which lesbian magazine sells the most but which one has the most centerfold spreads of Leonard Nimoy.
6. The Only Business With No Accountability.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
You’re the ones with the big fancy building dedicated to questions like this. YOU FIGURE IT OUT!
7. Good, Because I Just Shit Myself!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“Did you fill the vacancy at Diapers Outlet yet?”
“Jenkins is an asswipe.”
8. He’s Going To Be Standing There A LONG Time.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“Honey, go see Ben Hur without me. I have some plans involving standing and squeezing and being stared at by someone whose ethnicity I cannot place yet I hate with my full physiognomy.”
9. I Stopped Trying To Understand This At NO FEET.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Did Rob Liefeld draw this? Otherwise, why am I deprived a woman’s feet? It’s fucked. Also, I take extreme umbrage [and an Umber Hulk] at a coffee shop blackboard that is so unapoligetically META. Made me want to grab my steamy cup and pour it over the clerk’s tits until they were awesome. I don’t know why but this offends me nearly as much as the homeless situation in America.
By the way:
“I can still taste the apple juice on my sleeves!”