As Chud’s resident “TV Guy”, I came home drunk tonight and realized that Emmy nominations had come out. This is my knee-jerk reaction to the chosen, as well as quick lists of who the actual nominees would be if they let actual drunk geniuses (like me!) pick them. This means that I disregard the categories where people actually submitted themselves and put them in their rightful place. No, I have no qualifications to make such judgments, and yes, I’m aware that I pick a couple voice performances over actual flesh-and-blood ones. It’s because they’re good.
BEHOLD, EMMY COMMENTARY!!!
COMEDY SERIES
“The Big Bang Theory” (CBS) – Good, reasonable, intelligent people assure me that this show is funny, and Sheldon Cooper is a great character. Many of them. But every time I flip past it, all I hear are trite, flat reference jokes and affected nasal “nerd” voices that would’ve felt outdated in 1988. Fuck this show. It’ll probably be nominated again the next 14 years anyway.
“Louie” (FX) – This is the “comedy” least likely to make you actually laugh, but it’s a pretty great short film collection. Louis CK is great but doesn’t really need any more awards to tell him so right now.
“Modern Family” (ABC) – Don’t watch it. Seems harmless. Emmy voters seem to fucking love it. If it loses, great. If it wins, who cares.
“Orange Is the New Black” (Netflix) – My favorite show of the bunch, but I would place it more in the drama category, just because the comedy/drama line is fuzzy and it’s easier to say that Comedy means a half hour show and Drama means hourlong. Still, a win would be great. It’s funny. Touching. Diverse in just about every sense there could be. Committed to visceral bodily function sound design in a way none of these other fucks are. Also Poussey fucking rules, and if you disagree I will start filling socks with heavy objects. Also I seem to be swearing a lot. I’ll try to tone that down.
“Silicon Valley” (HBO) – Fun, but rarely laugh-out-loud funny. A win is pretty much out of the question since Veep’s shadow nullifies the HBO pedigree, but I wouldn’t hate it just because I want nothing but the best things to happen to Kumail Nanjiani.
“Veep” (HBO) – Hands down the funniest of the bunch, which should probably be the end of the discussion as far as who should win. It will probably win because the Emmys are a thinly veiled altar on which the dark rituals that secure Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s eternal youth are performed. She’s worth the entire cast’s weight in virgins, though, and when you throw in Iannuci’s scabrous dialogue, Anna Chlumsky’s incredulous-face, and Jonah’s all-encompassing awfulness, you have something worthy of a gold trinket.
If I Ran Shit:
“Review With Forrest MacNeil” (my winner gets top billing; the rest of the order is arbitrary)
“Veep”
“Rick And Morty”
“Enlisted”
“Community”
“Key And Peele”
DRAMA SERIES
“Breaking Bad” (AMC) – Duh.
“Downton Abbey” (PBS) – This show is apparently still on. I would hazard a guess it’s still British. That’s good enough for a nomination, I suppose.
“Game of Thrones” (HBO) – My current favorite show on TV. And it was great and popular, but it’s still fantasy and, come on, Breaking Bad. Maybe next year.
“House of Cards” (Netflix) – I gave up on this one a couple episodes into season 2, when it got old to watch Kevin Spacey steamroll a new limpdick excuse for an “antagonist” with his wisp of a Southern accent every week that wasn’t a week because it all came at once. It’s not bad, it’s just not good enough to pretend it’s a prestige cable drama.
“Mad Men” (AMC) – As ever, I was blown away by 2 episodes of the last season and lukewarm on the other 10. I can’t even identify the weak link on this show – it’s definitely not the performances, not the production design, and I don’t think it’s the writing – I’ve just never been head over heels for it.
“True Detective” (HBO) – Calling bullshit on this being here at all. Go to miniseries, where you belong and could absolutely dominate, you greedy bastard.
If I Ran Shit:
“Breaking Bad”
“Game Of Thrones”
“Orange Is The New Black”
“Justified”
“Hannibal”
“The Americans”
MINI-SERIES
“American Horror Story: Coven” (FX) – I’m told it’s batshit insane, which whatever, it’s the miniseries category. If you bothered to make one, congrats, here’s your nomination.
“Bonnie & Clyde” (Lifetime) – Don’t watch Lifetime miniseries events. My sperm count is low enough as it is. (This joke brought to you by 1998).
“Fargo” (FX) – This show has been the best non-GOT thing to happen to TV in 2014. It should’ve been awful, but it was magnificent and deserves to be showered with gold trinkets.
“Luther” (BBC America) – Idris Elba rules, so I assume this is at least pretty good. But there’s no way I could like it more than Fargo.
“Treme” (HBO) – A slashed episode order doesn’t make your last season a miniseries. Enough with the shenanigans, HBO.
“The White Queen” (Starz) – Not a backdoor pilot for a Hellfire Club series. Failure.
If I Ran Shit:
“Fargo”
“True Detective”
“Sherlock”
“Who Cares?”
“Really, Who Cares?”
“American Horror Story? Why Not?”
“Seriously, with the success of AHS, Fargo and especially True Detective, this category may become a hotbed of top-quality programming in the next few years, as creators embrace the potential of a seasonal-anthology model. For now, though, there aren’t enough legitimate contenders to fill a field”
TV MOVIE
“Killing Kennedy” (National Geographic Channel) – Did not watch.
“Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight” (HBO) – Did not watch.
“The Normal Heart” (HBO) – Did not watch.
“Sherlock: His Last Vow” (Masterpiece)” (PBS) – Love Sherlock, but why a TV movie exactly?
“The Trip to Bountiful” (Lifetime) – Did not watch
If I Ran Shit:
TV would be TV and movies would be movies. I’m not going to bother with Mini-series categories from here on out. It’d be everyone from Fargo and True Detective, okay?
VARIETY SERIES
“The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central) – He’s great, especially the very best bits that I watch on the internet 3 days later.
“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central) – He’s also great, especially the very best bits that I watch on the internet 3 days later.
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – He’s good, especially the very best bits that I watch 3 times before shutting off the little screen in the back of the taxi seat.
“Real Time With Bill Maher” (HBO) – He’s good, especially at reminding people that liberals have smug, imperious jerk-off TV hosts of their own.
“Saturday Night Live” (NBC) – Had a pretty rough year, but it’s sketch comedy. There’s always going to be rough spots.
“The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC) – It occurs to me that The Tonight Show is going to get really, really sad before NBC lets the brand name die. Fallon seems to be having a good time with it, though.
If I Ran Shit:
Probably the same, since I don’t really understand the criteria for what differentiates a comedy show from a variety, and talk shows aren’t my thing. I’m sure Conan deserves it more than Maher, though.
ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory” (CBS) – Meh
Matt LeBlanc, “Episodes” (Showtime) – I am still waiting to be shown conclusive proof that this show actually exists
Don Cheadle, “House of Lies” (Showtime) – Don Cheadle is cool. But it would appear that Showtime has an entire comedy bloc that airs on a channel only available to Emmy voters, because I could’ve sworn this show was cancelled in like 2011.
Louis C.K., “Louie” (FX) – See above. Louis’s great but doesn’t really need any more trinkets.
Ricky Gervais, “Derek” (Netflix) – I took one look at a still photo of Gervais in “Derek” and just sighed.
William H. Macy, “Shameless” (Showtime) – If I have to pick a winner from Showtime’s Shadow Comedy Bloc, it might as well be H-Mace.
If I Ran Shit:
Andy Daly “Review With Forrest MacNeil”
Louis CK, “Louie”
Keegan Michael Key “Key And Peele”
Jake Johnson, “New Girl”
Danny McBride, “Eastbound And Down”
Joel McHale, “Community”
ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Lena Dunham, “Girls” (HBO) – Didn’t come back for season 2. Dunham is overhated though, so get yo trinkets, girl.
Melissa McCarthy, “Mike & Molly” (CBS) – I don’t want to hate you, MM. But I think we need some time apart.
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie” (Showtime) – I swear, Showtime accidentally resent its submission packet from 2010 and no one noticed, because there’s no way all these shows are still on the air. I half expect to see a nomination for Arli$$ pop up in the next category.
Taylor Schilling, “Orange Is the New Black” (Netflix) – It’s about the 10th most interesting performance on the show, but she is undeniably the lead. I would put her in the drama category, but go ahead and give it to her, I’d just like to see Orange recognized in some way.
Amy Poehler, “Parks and Recreation” (NBC) – It’s a great performance on a show that is past its prime. Poehler would deserve it as much as anyone, so if it goes to her that’s pretty neat too.
Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, “Veep” (HBO) – ALL SHALL LOVE HER AND DESPAIR
If I Ran Shit:
Gillian Jacobs, Community
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Veep
Ilana Glazer, Broad City
Carrie Brownstein, Portlandia
Aisha Tyler, Archer
ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad” (AMC) – Hail to the King, baby.
Kevin Spacey, “House of Cards” (Netflix) – A good performance that needs more challenging material to be Great.
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men” (AMC) – It’s almost unfathomable that Hamm has never won a trinket for Don Draper, but then he’s had Cranston to contend with. Guess he’ll have to make do with being devilishly rich and absurdly handsome for another year.
Jeff Daniels, “The Newsroom” (HBO) – Hahahawut?
Matthew McConaughey, “True Detective” (HBO)
Woody Harrelson, “True Detective” (HBO) Boys, boys. We acknowledge that you’re stars, but we all know you don’t belong here.
If I Ran Shit:
Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
Peter Dinklage, “Game Of Thrones”
Timothy Olyphant, “Justified”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Mathew Rhys, “The Americans”
Mads Mikklesen, “Hannibal”
ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Michelle Dockery, “Downton Abbey” (PBS) – Yes, mum.
Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife” (CBS) – By all accounts, the best show I’m not watching. I’m sure she deserves it.
Claire Danes, “Homeland” (Showtime) – Thought the show went way off the rails with the 2nd season finale. Have not heard great things about the 3rd.
Robin Wright, “House of Cards” (Netflix) – Probably the most consistently great thing in House Of Cards, but not used enough to keep me interested
Lizzie Caplan, “Masters of Sex” (Showtime) – Hear great things, and since I haven’t really watched any of these series I’d like Caplan to take it just because I loves her, precious. She deserves to be a marquee name.
Kerry Washington, “Scandal” (ABC) – The buzz on the show is mixed on whether it’s crazy good or crazy bad, but everyone seems to agree that Washington’s a superstar. I’m fine with her taking the trinket, because she was game as a host on SNL and is, like, stupid fucking good-looking.
If I Ran Shit:
Tatiana Maslany, “Orphan Black”
Keri Russell, “The Americans”
Elizabeth Moss, “Mad Men”
Lena Headey, “Game Of Thrones”
Taylor Schilling, “Orange Is The New Black”
Anna Gunn, “Breaking Bad”
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Aaron Paul, “Breaking Bad” (AMC) – The kid deserves it, though he’s debatably a lead
Jim Carter, “Downton Abbey” (PBS) – Pip pip, guv.
Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones” (HBO) – Bullshit my man’s a supporting actor.
Josh Charles, “The Good Wife” (CBS) – I like the guy, and the show is apparently great, so sure.
Mandy Patinkin, “Homeland” (Showtime) – Saul was almost enough to get me to come back for more Homeland. But not quite.
Jon Voight, “Ray Donovan” (Showtime) – Seriously, these Showtime entries are a joke, right?
If I Ran Shit:
Dean Norris, “Breaking Bad” (the final stretch was not the best portion of the series for Jesse, but it was for Hank)
Aaron Paul, “Breaking Bad”
Charles Dance, “Game Of Thrones”
John Slattery, “Mad Men”
Michael K. Williams, “Boardwalk Empire”
Jack Huston, “Boardwalk Empire” (Boardwalk is one of those shows that is basically a collection of great supporting performances looking for a center – the antithesis of Orphan Black, come to think of it)
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Anna Gunn, “Breaking Bad” (AMC) – Supporting who exactly?
Maggie Smith, “Downton Abbey” (PBS) – Yes, yes, very good.
Joanne Froggatt, “Downton Abbey” (PBS) – “Froggatt” would be one of the best names ever put on a statue, but I dunno…
Lena Headey, “Game of Thrones” (HBO) – Love love love her performance, but these days I’d say she is the lead. At least until the khaleesi has a bigger year.
Christine Baranski, “The Good Wife” (CBS) – Okay, okay, I’ll watch The Good Wife. Are you happy, Emmys?
Christina Hendricks, “Mad Men” (AMC) – Every once in while a role comes along that is a perfect match of material and talents, one that will forever define a performer in the public consciousness. Then Firefly gets cancelled, and another pretty great role comes along.
If I Ran Shit:
Danielle Brooks, “Orange Is The New Black”
Maisie Williams, “Game Of Thrones”
Christina Hendricks, “Mad Men”
Annet Mahendru, “The Americans”
Samira Wiley, “Orange Is The New Black”
Uzo Aduba, “Orange Is The New Black” (Seriously, OITNB’s supporting cast is fucking stacked)
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Andre Braugher, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” (Fox) – He’s great, if a bit one note. I understand that Braugher has clout with Emmy voters that the other guys don’t, but I find both Terry Crewes and Joe Lo Truglio more consistently funny.
Adam Driver, “Girls” (HBO) – He was the weirdest, funniest part of the Girls season I watched, I can’t imagine he got much worse this year.
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, “Modern Family” (ABC) – yaaaaaaaaaaa-
Ty Burrell, “Modern Family” (ABC) – wwwwwwwnnnnnn….
Fred Armisen, “Portlandia” (IFC) – The fuck are you kidding, Armisen? You’re the guy in every single sketch. And it’s a sketch show.
Tony Hale, “Veep” (HBO) – Deserves it just for the bathroom nosebleed scene. But not even my favorite actor on the show.
If I Ran Shit:
Nick Offerman, “Parks And Recreation”
Lamorne Morris, “New Girl” (the character is a drooling mess on paper, but Morris makes him a highlight of a messy program)
Timothy Simons, “Veep” (it may seem like he’s mostly just sitting back and letting people make fun of his ridiculous physicality, but Simons is actually doing fantastic work making this pathetic freak hateable enough that you never get tired of watching him fail)
Parker Young, “Enlisted”
Charlie Day, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”
Jim Rash, “Community”
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Mayim Bialik, “The Big Bang Theory” (CBS) – I remember Blossom! Sorta…there was a hot girl named Six? And an alcoholic brother? And clashing outfits?
Julie Bowen, “Modern Family” (ABC) – We’re still with this shit?
Allison Janney, “Mom” (CBS) – Janney’s great. Can’t speak to the show, though.
Kate Mulgrew, “Orange Is the New Black” (Netflix) – Janeway is fantastic on the show, and it’s a BIG performance, so I give her a pretty good chance at taking it. Except for those two boring trinket-vacuums at the top of the list…
Kate McKinnon, “Saturday Night Live” (NBC) – Should win it, if sketch performers got fair shrift from awards shows. They don’t.
Anna Chlumsky, “Veep” (HBO) – I would be perfectly fine with her taking it. It’s the very definition of a supporting comedic performance, enhancing the comedy of every scene while rarely taking the spotlight.
If I Ran Shit:
Kate McKinnon, “Saturday Night Live”
Aubrey Plaza, “Parks and Recreation” (she doesn’t get a lot of notices because she’s so frequently deadpan, but Plaza has actually shown a good amount of range as the show aged, on top of being consistently funny)
Anna Chlumsky, “Veep”
Alison Brie, “Community”
Kristen Schaal, “Bob’s Burgers”
Katie Aselton, “The League