Fuck This Face III: Fuck Face with a Vengeance
What better way to end 2008 than with one last “fuck you” to Twilight and its horrible, horrible fan base. Actually, this time the fuck you is on me.
Sort of. But first, this:
The
furor over the silly vampire movie has died down until home video
brings it back in front of our collective eyes, but I think it’s safe
to assume that this series doesn’t have the legs to remain on the
public’s consciousness for long enough for Stephanie Meyers’ boring
vision to run its course theatrically.
I mean, if the Narnia
series is facing serious threats, I can’t imagine gothic chick-lit
holding a candle. Especially since most of the idiots who read these
abominations will have reached the age of reason by the time any
subsequent adaptation hits screens. I mean, I liked Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
at age eight but by age eleven I had evolved to where I was more
interested in Pennywise the Clown than Superfudge and I can’t imagine
too many Sucklings sticking around with the same blind loyalty down the
pike once they realize how to undulate properly and how to balance
chewing gum and other assorted mouth tasks.
Twilight is
toothless, so it’ll get harder and harder to push the buttons of the
lame little girls and bored secretaries and grounded tennis moms who
somehow made it a sensation as it’s replaced by some other flavor of
the month. Maybe something that apes some other already ripened
subgenre. With wizards, vampires, and werewolves run into the ground
maybe it’s time for someone to steal from Frank Herbert or Pierre
Boulle or Mary Shelley for the next dumbed-down teen sensation.
Bottom line is that there won’t be a theatrical Twilight
franchise in five years and that has little to do with the 2012 Mayan
prophecy, Obama’s presidency, or the price of an inner tube at Stone
Mountain Park. It has to do with the fumes of originality the product
bears and the fact that (aside from a mystifying group of adults) the
core audience of the series is going to reach adulthood and realize the
error of their ways. Add to that the fact that the people too young for
Twilight
now will surely have something better to pick from in the next few
years (I dunno, perhaps the majority of everything printed from
Gutenberg to this morning) and you have what I hope is something close
to the truth.
Plus, vampires are so boring and dumb. So are moussed, pale assholes.
Here’s where my face gets fucked though, the tragic ending to this trilogy (until Live Free or Fuck This Face) of terrors…
My
mother-in-law is a media specialist at an elementary school. She read
Twilight… and didn’t hate it. So much so that she has given it to her
daughter to read. For those bad at math, that means there is a person
UNDER MY ROOF reading this book. Sometimes at night I can feel its
presence on the nightstand across the way from my resting form.
Beckoning not to me, for I am a garlic mirrored wooden stake of awesome
and impervious to its wiles, but to the person it is beholden to not by
logic but some arcane twist of hate.
My
wife has never read a book that featured conflict, preferring the
simplicity of Jan Karon or fucking Thomas Kinkaide’s religious fiction
[because there’s such a thing as non-fiction religion… ahem], yet she is reading Twilight.
And she hasn’t died from it. Yet.
But if she likes it too much and too vocally she just might.
Today, the latest Lucky Nightsticks song, DISINFORMATION.