What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. Worst Crusaders Ever.
If you’re going to go out on a limb for something, might I suggest those nutty starving children in third world nations or those silly little assholes shooting themselves up in inner cities or those loony jackasses born with problems all up inside them. Not broccoli. Unless you’re a James Bond apologist, and then you should be standing up against the Broccoli. That said, broccoli is a lovely vegetable, supposedly good for fighting cancer but even if it isn’t it’s a great source of vitamins, minerals, and noxious gas. But seriously, if you’re going to stand for something, choose something ruff n’ tuff. Unless you’re in a wheelchair. Then, I don’t care what you stand for, just so long as you stand.
2. Andrea Bocelli’s Box Seats Are Still Available.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Imagine my chagrin to discover my Atlanta Braves season ticket seats this year. I thought I was getting a great deal. Front Row. Aisle. Perfect view of the entire stadium. In the shade. Easy access to the restrooms. I should have never participated in the silent auction at Jeff Healey’s Estate Sale.
3. Perfect For the Zealot In Your Life!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Slap a religious angle on any product and an entire group of people will pony up, regardless of the logic therein. Look no further than Bethlehem Fried Chicken, Christ Krispies, and the best-selling pop act The Myrrh Girls. These highlighters work on more than just The Holy Bible, folks. In fact, they are highlighters of ALL. And Bible Dry as a product name? Go fuck yourself.
4. Best Reason to Age!
Photo
by Nick Nunziata.
It’s worth the wait, 17 year-olds. The manager is H.O.T.
5. If Only I Was a Planetatarian.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
HELP WANTED: Privately Funded World Devourer Seeks Herald. Must Have Clerical, Surfing Experience.
6. Pink Pussy Plungers NOT INTENDED FOR CHILDREN!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
My first clue that these weren’t intended for children was when I saw that they were cocks you put in your mouth.
7. Serves You Little Bastards Right!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
There is no bravery to be found here. If kids had bravery they wouldn’t be treating their wounds but amassing them post haste and hoping for stretch marks and scars galore on the way to becoming little latter-day Jan Michael Vincents.
8. Joan Crawford Spins in Her Abusive Grave.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Please tell me that the folks at Midway are hard at work doing the motion capture work for this video game.
9. “OK, Well I Guess I Won’t Susan Smith the Kid YET”.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“You know April… I never thought I’d still be cleaning my baby’s shit off the walls and ceiling.”
“As a mother of eight, I’ll just tell you that it requires patience and grace.”
“Well, your kids are unique in that they we all born without features or limbs.”
“On his back.”
“Speaking of split hairs, your sixth.”
“Fine! Then don’t come to me for advice next time.”
your Diaper Genie since it’s still in the box.”
“It won’t. Unless you stop being Karen Silkwood.”
By the way:
“Father found me climbed under the car just in time!”