Last week’s Record: Tom 8-8, Jesse 8-8
Overall Record: Jesse 132-91-1, Tom 136-87-1
THUD NFL PICKS WEEK SIXTEEN: BARELY LEGAL
Miami at Buffalo
Tom: It took everything the Dolphins had to hang on and beat the Brady last week. Meanwhile, the Bills once again let me down (by actually winning), but I’ve come to expect that. Miami has to win their last two games to remotely compete for the playoffs, but it will be cold in Buffalo. But the Fleed is strong with this team.
Dolphins
Jesse: Both teams had surprise wins last week, and I’m a bit baffled on who to pick.My gut tells me to pick Buffalo in the cold, but I also may be coming down with a stomach flu. I’ll pick Buffalo, and regret it as soon as I type this final period. Bills
Minnesota at Cincinnati
Jesse: Minnesota scored in bunches last week, but Cincinnati’s defense is much better than Philly’s, and with the Bengals playing away from the national spotlight, they won’t throw up on their shoes like they did last week. A good Cincy team will stomp a bad Vikings team, and for just one game, the NFL will make sense. Bengals
Tom: I don’t even know what to say about Minnesota last week. 48 points with no AD nor Ponder vs. a Philadelphia team that everyone just knew were going to cruise into the NFC East crown. But then we all remembered this is the NFC East we’re talking about. Cincy’s special teams dropped them into a 21-point chasm that they never recovered from. I don’t expect that slow start this week.
Cincy’s punter took a huge shot (that should have been flagged) from a Steelers player and it ended up breaking his jaw and a vertebrae in his neck. I feel really badly for him and wish him well. The player that hit him was fined $25k, which I also agree with. Howevah…the VP of officials proclaimed that a punter should be covered by the “defenseless player” rule for the entirety of the down. Are you freaking kidding me? Is he playing football or not? Should he just lay down on the field after he kicks the ball and lie there until the play is over? Mike Golic suggested that if that’s the case, after he kicks the ball, the punter should just sprint to the sidelines and be done. I agree.
Bengals
Indianapolis at Kansas City
Tom: Donald Brown going down (hey, that rhymes) meant the Colts had to get something going in the passing game, and they proceeded to actually blow out a team rather than fart around and win in the end. And speaking of scoring, KC turned into a scoring ma-sheen against the Raiders last week, but boy is their defense nowhere near what it was in the beginning of the season. Being in KC, I’ll give the edge to the Chiefs, but this one will be close.
Chiefs
Jesse: I agree, this will be a close game. The Chiefs’ D is injured, but even with a decimated line, are they really going to have trouble with Trent Richardson? Throw in home field, and the Chiefs win handily, and can start facing the Colts yet again in the playoffs.
Chiefs
Tampa Bay at St. Louis
Jesse: Earlier this week, I watched a bio on Marty Schottenheimer, and there was a clip of his son Brian from 2009, when he was Mark Sanchez’s guru, talking about how he would give his dad a Super Bowl ring, were he to ever win one.
Well, Brian, I’ve got bad news. Any team that has you as the offensive coordinator will not be going to the Super Bowl, ever, ever ever ever, and as the Rams wrap up this dreary season, expect to be on the chopping block. Bucs Tom: The ‘stache vs. The Schiano. Facial hair, not words.
Rams
Cleveland at NY Jets
Tom: Yep, “He Hate Me”. But Jesse did not pick the Browns. Therefore…
Browns
Jesse: I’m officially done with this edition of the Cleveland Browns. Bring on the draft. Jets
Dallas at Washington
Jesse: Who do you pick when neither team knows how to win a game? The Redskins are hilarious, and the Cowboys remain mega-hyped and mediocre. How could I possibly pick Dallas in December?
Redskins
Tom: Who freakin’ knows? Both teams blew it at the end of their respective games last week. I’ll give the ever so slight nod to the Redskins just because their defense is better than Dallas’s. Hell, my son’s 6th grade football team’s defense is probably better than them too.
Redskins
New Orleans at Carolina
Tom: This game likely decides the NFC South. The Panthers just couldn’t score enough points last time to keep up with the Saints. New Orleans’ mojo seems to disappear when they play a team that has a good pass rush. I think the Panthers have an advantage being at home, but their pass rush is weak. Did they learn enough from a few weeks ago to pull this one out? *sigh* I’ll try them one more time.
Panthers
Jesse: The Saints are alarmingly bad on the road, and their defense is starting to remind us why Rob Ryan has been fired so much. This will be a close, high-scoring game, and I think the Panthers will win, sending them to the cusp of the playoffs.
Panthers
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Jesse: Tennessee is 0-4 in the worst division in the NFL. They are awful. Meanwhile, Jacksonville continues to care. I don’t even think this game will be that close. A blowout for the Golden Gusses.
Jaguars
Tom: A close second for the “He Hate Me” game of the week. Let’s keep it rolling with the Jags (although they lost last week).
Jaguars
Denver at Houston
Tom: Psssh. Really?
Broncos
Jesse: This gives me a chance to say thanks and Happy Holidays to everyone who’s read us this season, because I have nothing else of value to add. Houston’s playing for pride, so I think they may hold the margin of defeat under 30.
Broncos
NY Giants at Detroit
Jesse: The Giants’ offense is a disaster, which plays right into the Lions’ hands. The Lions thrive on whipping vastly inferior teams. I think Megatron will get 3 TDs, the Lions win, and Jim Schwartz spends his postgame press conference chiding reporters who said that Stafford should be benched. Then, next week, they’ll lose, miss the playoffs and look like idiots.
Lions
Tom: The Giants really sucked last week and the “team spirit” seems to be fading as Coughlin and others on the team seemed to blame the loss on the offense. Detroit is like a gambler who watches a roulette wheel hit Red 10 times in a row, and then they put their money on Black, and the wheel hits Red again. They can’t win when it really counts. I don’t think this game really counts because the Bears are going to somehow win this division.
Lions
Arizona at Seattle
Tom: So this should be a good game, but I don’t think there’s enough talent on Arizona to pull it out. Plus, it’s Seattle at home.
Seahawks
Jesse: Bruce Arians deserves all the credit in the world for getting the Cards to 9-5. But come on. It’s Seattle at home. I’ll believe they’ll lose there when it happens. I don’t care if Carson Palmer has performed well; I still don’t trust him. Seahawks
Pittsburgh at Green Bay
Jesse: Flynn has been taking the snaps in practice all week, so I have to think he’ll start. And worse, he’s not playing the Cowboys, and we know that Flynn only plays well when he’s facing a team with a catastrophic defensive unit. Steelers get a win at Lambeau.
Steelers
Tom: No Aaron Rodgers, no cry. But the Packers will be crying after this game.
Steelers
Oakland at San Diego
Tom: The WTF Chargers take on the WTF Raiders. WTF.
Chargers
Jesse: These division games are always goofy. San Diego should win, but who freakin’ knows. I shall use my vaunted Eeny-Meeny-Miny-Mo method to decide this game.
Raiders
New England at Baltimore
Jesse: It won’t be watchable, but I think this is a Ravens upset. They’re steadily improving, and I think Coach Harbaugh (and the massive leg of Justin Tucker) will have them ready, on their way to a playoff berth.
But man, I feel for anyone who has to sit through it.
Ravens
Tom: The Pats couldn’t close the deal last week, and now an even worse offense with a higher paid QB comes into town. The Ravens FG kicker ruined some FFL games last week, along with the Lions’ hopes. But seriously…an NFL team winning a game with 6 field goals and no touchdowns with no foul weather involved? That’s just awful. This game could end up 9-6 or 12-9.
Patriots
Chicago at Philadelphia
Tom: The “emerging” Eagles defense apparently withdrew last week quicker than a NFL players testicles when he steps into an ice bath. The Bears are scratching and clawing their way to the NFC North crown but their defense is still not very good. I’m really torn here, because this is in Philly, and both teams really need this game to win their division. I think the Vikings just really caught the Eagles napping (Chip Kelly is wondering why these FCS teams in the NFL are so hard to beat), but they’ll be ready for the Bears. And McCoy is one of, if not the best RB in the NFL right now.
Eagles
Jesse: After squeaking back against the Browns, I’m still not convinced that playing Jay Cutler is a good idea. But more importantly, I don’t know how the Bears’ D is going to stop Philadelphia’s offense. If the Bears could give up 31 points to the Browns, Philly could possibly score in the low billions. Unfortunately, so could the Bears. This should be a fun game to watch. Home field lifts the Eagles in a shootout.
Eagles
Atlanta at San Francisco
Jesse: I’ve tried to think of a way that the Falcons could possibly win this game, and the only scenario that I think could happen is a stadium-destroying asteroid. Even then, wouldn’t they die too? 49ers
Tom: A rematch of the NFC Championship game last year…and one of these teams is not exactly the same as last year. I mean, not the same like Bruce Banner is not the same as the Hulk.
49ers
