As many CHUD readers can attest to, holiday traveling is
about as much fun as working out to a Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ To The
Oldies tape. At first it’s bearable,
but around the twenty minute mark, you’re reduced to a jiggly, babbling mess,
forced to re-evaluate your life and, quite possibly, your sexuality. Such is my annual pilgrimage to beautiful
My folks live there, so every year I pack up my thermal underwear,
my Ben-Wa balls, and a bucket of hand lotion (to, you know, pass the time) and
brave a series of airports in order to freeze my ass off for two weeks and gain
even more weight. Oh yeah, and visit my
family.
Since I was born and bred in
I have no concept of seasons. If the
doppler radar shows rain in the forecast, San Diegans immediately hide in their
panic rooms or take to the freeways in the hopes of driving like inebriated
retards.
on the other hand, actually has seasons.
Usually, I visit during “testicle shrinking” season. It once got so cold there that my nuts
actually disappeared. I dusted for
fingerprints “down there,” filed a missing persons report, posted flyers, the
whole nine yards. After visiting a
Swedish steam bath, the little bastards finally dropped from wherever they were
hiding. That was a rough month and a
half.
Before embarking on any traveling adventure, I usually
alleviate my nervousness and anxiousness by pounding shots of Whiskey at the
airport bar, coupled with some tasty beer chasers. Inevitably, I end up so
soused that I ease into a restless, uncomfortable sleep on the plane,
punctuated by brief moments of belligerency and horrific repressed memories. Eventually, I’ll find myself drooling on the
passengers seated next to me and, if past experiences are any indication, this
means I’ll be drooling on a fat guy (who always smells like fermented
rarely deviates, although I once sat between a fat baby and a screaming
guy. Go figure.
Aside from my seating arrangement troubles, I frequently
find myself chosen for inspection when going through security. I guess I have a certain “look” about
me. After enduring my tenth body cavity
search, I vowed only to wear mesh shirts, flip-flops and tight, bright pink
bicycle shorts to the airport. Little
did I know that this get-up made me stand out even more. So, I’ve just given up. Now I just slip on a tasteful muu-muu and
pretend I’m a performer in one of those drag-queen revues in Vegas, all done up
like Mama Cass and shit. I’ll sing a few
verses of “California Dreamin” for the security guards. They dig that. Then I bend over for another anal probe.
Layovers are also fun.
This time, I had a four-hour layover in
o’clock
shuffled around barren terminals and gates like mimes tripping on acid, their
faces drained of color, their expressions full of fear and exhaust. Shit, I once battled the Ebola virus while
stranded in the
airport. That was fun. Nothing soothes a pounding headache like slot
machines going off every two seconds. I
was so hopped-up on Advil and Chamomile tea that, at one point, I actually
thought I was Jesus. Not Christ. Jesus, the Mexican janitor at my old high
school. All I wanted to do was buff the
floors. Man, that was a wild layover.
And although I’m not a superstitious person, I do find
myself repeating one action every time I board a plane. I order a single Bloody Mary. I don’t know how this began or why I do it,
especially since I’m not a huge fan of the drink (by the way, this has nothing to
do with my story, but I needed to share this experience with you. The one time
I broke my “plane only” rule was when I ordered a Bloody Mary from Applebee’s. The glass the Bloody Mary came in was the
size and shape of a goldfish bowl. Crammed
with of a variety of plant species, this drink was shoved full of cacti, tree
branches, bark, leaves, even a couple of sea cucumbers. Half the goddamn rainforest lived and thrived
in my drink. Just to take a sip, I had
to drive to Home Depot and pick up a couple of migrant workers to trim some of
the shit growing alongside the brim of the glass. After cutting through all this crap, I finally
gulped down what had to be the nastiest liquid to ever slide down my
throat. Chunks of pepper the size and
texture of an old man’s kidney stones floated in a thick sea of tomato juice,
tickling my uvula. If any of you unlucky
bastards ever find yourselves stuck at Applebee’s, do not order this
drink. Your taste buds and intestines
will appreciate it). Anyway, through
some weird, unknown, possibly schizophrenic rationale, I usually find if I slam
a Bloody Mary while flying, then the plane ride will be smoother than the skin
on a Hickory Farms sausage.
Anyway, by taking the red eye into
I soon realized that nothing in the airport is open at
about it. So, I just wandered around
aimlessly and took as many shuttle rides across the tarmac as I could. Those things are like
rides. Whenever the shuttle first moved,
I screamed “WEEEEEEEEEEE!” while holding my hands up, as though careening
through the winding tracks of
So, after a few days or so, I’ll have to repeat this
traveling adventure, only my circulatory system will be poisoned with spiked eggnog
and my belly will be full of Christmas fudge.
But, in the end, it’ll be worth it, since I don’t get to see my family
as much as I’d like to.
So, to all my friends and family and CHUD brothers and
sisters…
Happy Holidays!