J.J. Abrams’ Star Wars commercial is coming out on December 18th, 2015. I’m sure you’ve heard.

I’m new here and new to this kind of reporting in general, so I made the grievous (wink!) error of creating Google alerts that include the words “star” and “wars”. The decision was mostly made because I remember reading this site in high school and believed that something called “The Phantom Menace” would be a thing worth scrutinizing. I thought maybe I could scoop something, like that great Woody Allen movie.

The point is, this is news in the sense that we now know exactly how long we’ll have to wait to see this movie. That’s calorie deficient information when it comes to the film itself, but the Internet is the worst thing to happen to humanity since those shoes with the wheel in the heel, so everyone is losing their minds anyway.

Maybe this means something about the supposed turmoil behind the scenes. Maybe. Maybe newspapers should start printing speculative fiction from the point of view of a deaf, sightless child who believes himself to be the Emperor of Japan. That would be cool too, but it wouldn’t be news. The date means what it means until someone definitively tells you otherwise.

Please don’t mistake this for cynicism towards the new Star Wars (sorry for calling it a commercial). This non-story’s success has everything to do with the secrecy surrounding the new film. The vacuum of information created by Disney and J.J. Abrams is driving everyone insane with seemingly no regard for their fragile, broken hearts. Star Wars fans got out of a toxic divorce a few years ago and are just now considering the possibility that they could learn to love again. The only problem? The girl who messaged them on OK Cupid doesn’t have a profile picture.