What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. Respect the Wet.
At first glance I thought I had stumbled across the first placard for Peter and Whitney MOLESTOR, but I then quickly damned my wishful thinking eyes at the misread. Then I realized that like most things in life, Moister is better.
You have my permission to rejoice before scrolling.
2. When Ford Focus Speaks, People Listen.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
The only thing I want the owner of a Ford Focus to tell me what to do is how to proceed with my life without ever having to own a fucking Ford Focus.
3. Unravel the Conspiracy of Gategate.
Photo by Renn Brown.
But it’d be such a great death, wouldn’t it? The best thing about warning signs like this is that someone usually had to do something awesome to warrant the sign being made. Like the sign that says “Don’t eradicate the Native Americans. – The MGMT” outside the White House.
4. Words Never Used Together Before or After.
Photo
by Nick Nunziata.
The worst thing about this item is in the fine print that reads “Non Toxic”. This shit needs to be toxic. Seriously toxic. Something that’ll teach parents a lesson for sucking so hard if they but this. All sand is creative. Or none of it is. One thing’s for certain; this product has less to do with creativity and more to do with the savage mutilation of the human race*.
5. I Personally Enjoy Smaller, Dusky Mind Teasers.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
It’s about damn time, am I wrong? Who in their right mind isn’t ready for a nice beefy nocturnal puzzle?
6. Better Than Turning Japanese?
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I am mystified by the wording of this particular tome. Is it a tutorial on how to grow a nice efficient ape? Is it about massaging one’s humanity into a much more ape-like one? Is it the last shard of mismatched creative pairing from the minds of Pierre Boulle and Tim Burton? Go fuck yourself.
7. Saving Mother Nature One Trip to the Bath House At a Time.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! Hello, you’ve reached Viper. I’m away from my desk either at the gym getting enormous or giving Timothy caterpillar kisses behind the dumpster at Barry’s Rub N’ Pub. The rainforest has been around for eons. It can wait another few reps and/or deep, penetrating nut push-ups. BEEP!”
8. This is Hog Heaven.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
The petting zoo at the Atlanta Zoo is many things, including the location of this animal. Not only is he alive, he’s full of vigor and verve. A veritable Red Bull with legs. Look at the way he springs to life! Can you see his fur rippling from his pulsing skin as he hurtles over obstacles large and small? It’s like Apollo himself has been reincarnated.
9. The Iconoclast.
Photo by Justin Waddell.
“Fuck migration. Fuck the other geese. AND FUCK FLIGHT. I got all I need right here.”
“Someone please bring worms. But that’s really it. And something to drink. Possibly some clean wipes for this shitpile I’ve made.”
10. Patriotic. Mobile. FUCKED.
Photo by Justin Waddell.
Remember when retirement was exciting and a life of relaxation and slightly relaxed debauchery? This is the reality of it. You might want to invest in some suicide.
11. Bet You Can Eat Just One.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Any restaurant menu featuring death is a place worth frequenting.
12. Goat Shame.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
He didn’t do anything wrong. He isn’t the victim of unjust criticism or the owner of a bad rap due to the negligence of his ancestors. But something’s caused him to hang his head in shame. If it weren’t so cute…
The suspense must be killing you. WHAT DOES HIS FACE LOOK LIKE, NICK?
Solved:
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
13. This is Fucking REAL.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Remember when being a Nazi sympathizer was the worst thing Walt Disney was allegedly involved in?
14. Japanese Bargain!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Kobe One Japanese Steakhouse ain’t fucking around. In the ever-present competition of seared meat vendors they’ve thrown the fucking gauntlet at any and all comers. They have two mottos in their business:
1. We Will Not Be Undersold on Fried Rice. Beat FREE, Motherfuckers.
2. ‘Y’ Can Kiss Our Japanese Ass!
How is this new strategy panning out?
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
15. I’m Confused.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I’m still confused.
By the way:
“I pulled the bone with my Thanksgiving uncle!”
* – Scott Ian, Protest and Survive