THE LIST OF DUMB #18

What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

1. Fine Print: Must Be A Starfish or a Swamp
Thing.

As a casual fan of the Beatles I probably
won’t take to heart the new issue of Scientific American, lest I be spurned by newly single Sir.
But if I wanted to retrieve my skin artifact from the abyss, this sounds like a
winner! I love “How To” books. I hope there’s five easy steps to this
process. Something like:

1.
Lose limb (not optional).

2.
Apply secret paste. Unless lost limb is arm. If so, kick paste onto the void.

3. Run
in place for 22 seconds. Unless lost limb is leg. Then writhe for 22 seconds.

4.
Wash paste away with secret rinse. If simply a headed torso, wobble until either paste is gone or carried away by jackals.

5.
Stare in awe as limb recreates!


2. 1981
Returns!

Back
in the early 80’s I spent a lot of time at an arcade called The Twilight Zone
in the Roswell Mall here in the suburbs of Georgia. Even back then, the place
was so small-time it hurt. It was like someone who made their living
airbrushing vans was given run of the place. It was a nightmare filled with dreams.
Imagine my disbelief to be walking at Discover Mills (which will be a recurring
theme today) to fall into 1981 as the Lunar Golf store presented itself to me
like a wizard in a pink midriff shooting smoke from his lion’s head obsidian
cane as he rose from the mountains. A putt-putt course in a mall with black
lights and kitschy portraits on the wall. Either it’s the best thing to ever
have been shat out by mankind or a beacon to extraterrestrial hoodlums.

3. Laziest Store Name. EVER. (Discover Mills!)

“Operator”.

“Yes, sir. To what number can I
connect you?”

“Excuse me?”

“A dollar you say?”

4.
Meet
Curtains. (Discover Mills!)

This curtain was in the window of a
defeated store at (once again) Discover Mills Mall in Georgia. Redneck Heaven.
Here’s what baffles me: How the fuck do you NOT survive at that mall? The
variety of stores is insane. I did some research. Here are the only stores that
did not succeed at Discover Mills:

Oh, and these Food Court joints:

5.
Sassy
Ass Sassafrass O’Riordan. Why cowpoke when you can MANPOKE?

Longhorn Steaks is a reliable and
delicious place to feed. The music is worse than being uncreated, but the
food’s almost good enough to warrant it. For a chain. They have all these old
cowboy portraits on their walls and this one stuck out to me. Just a little.
For a restaurant whose audience partially consists of the least tolerant people
around [yes I’m generalizing, but go fuck yourself], it may have been a good
idea not to have Loosepoops McBendaround as a prominent feature.

6.
The #1 Pick-Up as Voted By Angus Scrimm.

“BZZZZZZZZZT! You have reached the mailbox of Rhonda Peterson. Please leave a message.”

7.
Capri-Stun.

Have
you ever been a man about town and craved some mediocre wine in a problematic little box? SOLVED.

8.
The Coldest Hot.

This may have been the
Publix clerk’s statement on the duality of man. Or proof that they’ve reached
the pinnacle of their career’s growth.

9. Yeah,
I’m Not Above Vanity Plate Scrutiny.

What the fuck was I thinking?

By the way:

Message Board Thread.