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STUDIO: Turner Home Entertainment
MSRP: $19.99
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 345 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
- Bonus episode: The Smurfs’ Springtime Special
- Smurfs: The Music Video
THE PITCH
A
bunch of smurfing little blue creatures called the Smurfs who like to
smurf and smurf around while avoiding that smurfhole Gargamel who wants
to smurfing eat the little smurfs and feed their smurfing entrails to
that smurfball of a smurfing cat, Azrael.
Smurfette…and a mouse…uh, I really can’t get into it…
THE SMURFS
Papa, Smurfette, Handy, Hefty, Brainy, Jokey, Grouchy, Dreamy, Clumsy, Greedy and a smurfload of others.
THE VILLAINS
Gargamel and Azrael.
THE NUTSHELL
Smurfs
are little blue woodland creatures who live in a hidden village safe
from the prying eyes of men. They live an idyllic existence and embark
on scores of adventures and basically exist in peace and harmony with
the forest and each other. Only “three apples high”, the Smurfs take
their individual names from their personalities. For example, Hefty is
on smurfroids, Brainy is smart, Handy is the Smurf Bob Vila, Grouchy’s
an asshole, Dreamy is a lazy bastard, Papa Smurf is old, and Smurfette
is the only female Smurf and consequently has made a fortune cornering
the Smurf prostitution market…
“Smurfette now serving number 47. Number 47, your Smurfette is now ready…”
THE LOWDOWN
God
in Heaven please forgive me for watching this show back – wayyy back –
in the day. Being 10 at the time doesn’t excuse it. The Smurfs was the Pokemon, the Power Rangers or the Hannah Montana
of the ’80s. There was a time when you couldn’t get away from them.
Smurf merchandise, Smurf TV specials, people replacing nouns and verbs
with “Smurf” this and “Smurf” that; and that Saturday morning cartoon
that ran for nearly a decade. And yes I watched it. There are shows
from my childhood – Jonny Quest, Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo, Battle of the Planets – that I can still enjoy today. Smurfs ain’t one of ’em.
I
watch this cartoon and I can only think of all the unanswered questions
– nitpicky, hateful, unreasonable questions considering that this was a
simple cartoon made for children, yes – but questions nonetheless. For
instance, what the hell happened to all the Smurfs of Papa Smurf’s
generation? Is he the last survivor of some kind of Smurf genocide?
Or the first of a new species? Did he conjure up the entire Smurf race
himself by magic or did he have a Smurf harem? If so did he then off
these female Smurfs once they delivered his progeny? Is he some kind
of Smurf Scott Peterson on a mass scale?
Robert Downey, Jr. Smurf.
Then
there’s Smurfette. Man the sexual innuendo and jokes could go on
forever about her. Images of her being the lone worker at some kind of
Smurf Bunny Ranch or her running a Smurf train are endless. Of course
then there’s the flipside, that she’s a complete and total bitch that
doesn’t give out any Smurfpoon at all. A blue cocktease, unthinkable.
That could explain why the Smurfs are blue: because their blueballs are
the worst ever seen. Of course that brings up yet another question: do
Smurfs even have balls? Do they do the wild thing with those tails?
Are they asexual? Hell, I’m starting creep even myself out so leave us
table that line of thinking for…ever.
Okay, so the main
villain is Gargamel and his miserable furball Azrael. He wants to eat
the Smurfs because they’re supposedly delicious. Now has Gargamel ever
eaten a Smurf before? If so are they like some kind of edible blue
crack to justify all the shit he goes through just to try – and
repeatedly fail mind you – to get a square meal? Or has he simply
heard that they taste like little blue White Castles and he’s
insufferably curious to find out? And poor Azrael. Shit rolls
downhill, and Azrael is in Gargamel’s valley of situational feces.
There’s a Smurfette / menstrual cycle / gang bang joke here that even I’m not going to touch.
So
have I become a bitter, thirtysomething (old) fart in terms of the
Smurfs? I say only God and history will judge me on this. But sitting
down to watch this cartoon after 20 years was definitely hell. I
choose to think of the Smurfs this way.
THE PACKAGE
The Smurfs
haven’t aged very well. The animation wasn’t the best to begin with,
and this transfer of the episodes is filled with blotchiness and grit.
The sound is okay, so you can hear every annoying little Smurf song
nice and clear. There are two features, a bonus episode, The Smurfs’ Springtime Special and Smurfs: The Music Video that’s practically nauseating.