IS IT WISE TO GIVE ALCOHOL TO ANIMALS?

I have little experience with that kind of thing, though I believe my friend’s cat once lapped up some beer I spilled. He didn’t drink too much of it, however, and I don’t think I noticed him stumbling around afterward. That made me sad. My friend was pissed that I wanted the cat to get drunk.

But I would assume that to get a horse drunk, you would have to give him way more alcohol than would be even remotely ideal. After all, the weight of an average horse is 5 to 6 times the weight of an average man. Still, a few handles of cheap liquor could get the job done.

Unfortunately, Toby Keith’s new movie, Beer for My Horses, is about neither beer nor horses. Instead, Variety says, it’s a wacky comedy about a couple of “[wacky] small-town deputies who [wackily] embark on a [wacky] road trip to rescue their [wacky] girlfriends from comically evil [and wacky] drug lords.” I predict, however, that there will be one scene in which the deputies’ horses (hopefully this quest will be taken on horseback) drink beer. Keith is one deputy; awful comedian Rodney Carrington is the other. The two also wrote the movie, so everyone reading this probably knows right now if they will ever watch this movie.

This isn’t news for dedicated Toby Keith fans who have been salivating for him to make another film appearance. This project has been in the works under the radar for a while, and the film is actually going into production as we speak. Country music video director Michael Salomon is helming.

The title of the film comes from a single of his from a few years back, which he sang with Willie Nelson. Guess What? He’s in the movie as well. He must be really bored these days.

Also in the cast are Ted Nugent (what?), Tom Skerritt, Barry Corbin (!) and Claire Forlani. I swear, every time I see Forlani’s name attached to a film, I feel surprised, like my mind just refuses to absorb the knowledge that her career is ongoing.

And what the fuck is Ted Nugent doing in this movie? Bizarre. I bet George Bush will be thrilled. I’m just confused.

CMT Films is presumably trying to set this up for a theatrical release. That didn’t work out so well for Keith’s other film, Broken Bridges, which tanked. After four weeks of release, CMT cut their losses and aired it on TV. That won’t happen with Beer for My Horses, though. I have no doubt that the combination of Toby Keith, Rodney Carrington, Ted Nugent and the prospect of horses drinking beer will guarantee it $100 million at the box office.

I kid.