Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Installment Two.
Installment Three.
Installment Four.
Installment Five.
Installment Six.
Installment Seven.
Installment Eight.
Installment Nine.
Installment Ten.
Installment Eleven.
Message Board Discussion.
Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.
Everyone
gets the books that The Sharper Image and Brookstone and Toys ‘R Us and
Adam & Eve send out, but there’s no really helpful holiday gift
guide for that special someone in your life if that special someone is
a horrible cunt.
This is that guide.
1. Buy Some Dead Babies!
Reborning is the art of turning a play
or collector doll into an incredibly realistic heirloom
one-of-a-kind baby doll. Reborners use techniques that are similar
but there are a diverse number of mediums used and techniques, each
producing varied results, depending on the artist.
It’s also fucking dumb and fucking weird. The thought that there are folks out there who finally finish with their chores and family duties and like to sit down with a doll and various items to make it look and feel more human is much scarier than people who retire to their basements to don goggles and conduct murder tests on real babies.
Reborning. Of course, it’s one thing to try and make a regular doll look more real but I found the mother lode when I found the woman who reborns dolls to look like sleeping vampire babies. Not vampires. SLEEPING vampires. A niche inside of a niche inside of a niche wrapped in an enigma and folded neatly inside of a fortune cookie. The woman in her Ebay Auction had the gall to start the thing off with "Introducing my latest sleeping vampire" as if she’s Lee Iacoca and we’re at the Detroit Motor Show on Preview Night. Fuck your sleeping baby vampires.
Can I step back a second and say that the Internet has given birth to the Torquemadas of the future? What the hell kind of shit is this? I’m so much better than this. Do you know how fucked that is? I’m better with all of my faults? Fuck a baby, this is madness.
Yes, I plan to buy one after the holidays.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Reborning’s kind of a shitty and subversive way for God to prove he doesn’t exist, huh?
- It’s the car seat that makes the picture creepy isn’t it? Somehow all of the apprehension surrounding reborning and vampire shit would just go away if the lady was kind enough to let the immortal in the back seat run amok sans protective gear he doesn’t fucking need. Because it’s buckled I feel like I’m being had.
- I’m big into Rebhorning, which is taking baby dolls and putting them in crisp suits so they can deliver intense lines of upper crust dialogue in thrillers.
- I Reborned Man-E-Faces.
- The person Reborning Cabbage Patch Kids needs to fucking stop. It’s conflicting with my Tina Yothers toy line.
- Reborning’s a lot catchier than just calling them Things That Look Like Dead Babies.
Playmobil toys are great. I love them more than just about any toys out there but I don’t need them adding visuals to my weekly nightmare about Tom Skerritt getting hobbled and needing constant medical supervision and a chair to transport his shattered and useless limbs.
Now, I appreciate them going as far as to have the actor come in for a life cast so the figure is a dead ringer for the Poison Ivy veteran, but the memory is still too lucid for me to do anything but shit and piss myself at the thought of the fabulous bearded actor having to go through life with his mind writing checks his extremities can’t cash.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- This is a great toy for me if I’m a little kid with a conscience…
- …unless I’m Ron Kovic.
- If you pull back you’ll see that the Amy Madigan-alike is about to push Playmobil Tom Skerritt off a cliff.
- It’s not good to make fun of crippled people. Crippled TOYS however…
- Rumor has it that they put joints in the legs and a little string so when you try to stand him up, the toy crumbles to the ground. On the back of the box it calls this articulation THE SADNESS FEATURE.
I cannot believe how many websites exist that only do one thing for their consumers. Sell them bugs! Hordes of deceased insects are a only few clicks away for hungry collectors to pin them to something for display or whatever nefarious purpose they acquire them for. Weird thing is that I didn’t know insects were ours to sell. Little bastard lands on your lawn and dies, should you be selling it? Maybe a burial is in order but it probably isn’t YOURS. It’s a creature that happens to be in your vicinity. Regardless, if you are into this sort of thing, not only can you buy your own dessicated insects…
You can buy them in mid-fuck.
The two bugs in the image to the right apparently died while delivering each other the ol’ up-n-up. A sad fate but there are worse ways to go. For example:
- Squashed by men.
- Pinned by stiletto of transexual.
- Voiced by Dave Foley.
- Hit by speeding Camaro.
- Contact high from biting Jason Mewes.
- No longer being welcome in Times Square.
- Renfield.
- Nicolas Cage devours while preparing for role (National Treasure: Book of Cigarettes).
- Bug on bottom has AIDS.
- Hit by parked Camaro.
- Bugs casualties of friendly fire in Kuwait.
- We can ill afford another Klendathu.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Someone with vast wealth ought to open up The Copulation Museum, a collection of taxidermed animals scrawmping.
- You gotta admit, that chick bug’s got a nice rack (antennae) on her.
- Weird thing about bugs is that they derive no pleasure from the act of sex. It makes me wonder why they dress so seductively.
Apparently, we DID evolve from some cocksucker’s rib. I should have known.
That makes a ton more sense than science and logical thinking. Thankfully there’s a handbook for the unenlightened like myself. Gosh I’ve wasted so much time.
I kid because I love. In fact, if you stretched me out the fabulous height of 6’2 I’d look almost an ugly Jesus. Whether you’re religious or not, I think it’s safe to say most folks will find The Evolution Handbook a work of Divine Comedy. Check out the contents of this bag of smashes:
Preface
A Treasure House of Information The origin of this book and how to use it
Introductory
Scientists Speak about Evolution:
Statements by Non-creationist Scientists — Even they do not believe evolutionary foolishness
Chapter 1 – History of Evolutionary Theory
How modern science got into this problem.
Chapter 2 – The Big Bang and Stellar Evolution
Why the Big Bang is a fizzle and stars cannot evolve out of gas.
Chapter 3 – The Origin of the Earth
Why the Earth did not evolve out of a molten state.
Chapter 4 – The Age of the Earth
Why the Earth is not millions of years old.
Chapter 5 – The Problem of Time
Why long ages cannot produce evolutionary change.
Chapter 6 – Inaccurate Dating Methods
Why the non-historical dating techniques are unreliable.
Chapter 7 – The Primitive Environment
Why raw materials on earth cannot produce life.
Chapter 8 – DNA and Protein
Why DNA and protein could not be produced by random chance.
Chapter 9 – Natural Selection
Why natural selection only makes changes within species.
Chapter 10 – Mutations
Why mutations cannot produce cross-species change.
Chapter 11 – Animal and Plant Species
Why the species barrier cannot be broken.
Chapter 12 – Fossils and Strata
Why the fossil/strata theory is a hoax.
Chapter 13 – Ancient Man
Why there is no evidence humans have evolved from anything.
Chapter 14 – Effects of the Flood
What actually happened after the Flood.
Chapter 15 – Similarities and Divergence
Why similar structures are not an evidence of evolution.
Chapter 16 – Vestiges and Recapitulation
You have no useless or unnecessary structures inherited from earlier life-forms.
Chapter 17 – Evolutionary Showcase
The best examples of evolution have proven worthless.
Chapter 18 – The Laws of Nature
The laws of nature oppose the evolutionary theory.
Chapter 19 – Evolution, Morality, and Violence
Evolutionary theory is ruining modern civilization.
Chapter 20 – Tectonics and Paleomagnetism
The truth about plate tectonics and paleomagnetism.
Chapter 21 – Archaeological Dating
Egyptian, and other, dates correlate archaeological finds with the Bible.
Chapter 22 – Evolutionary Science Fiction
Fabulous fairy tales which only tiny children can believe.
Chapter 23 – Scientists Speak
Evolutionary scientists say the theory is unscientific and worthless.
Chapter 24 – Utterly Impossible
Things evolution could never invent.
Chapter 25 – Latest Evolution Crisis
Events from 1959 to 2006
Chapter 26 – Summary of the Anthropic Principle
Discovering a flood fo coincidences
Chapter 27 – Big Bang Creationism
When opposites are combined
Appendix – Research Guide
Special Appendix – Something To Think About
Nicky’s Trivia:
- I await the sequel, where we discover that the sun cannot provide heat.
- I also await the spinoff, where we discover that vaginas aren’t fucking smooth to "put it in".
- First 100,000 people to purchase this book get a copy autographed by the Yeti, The Tooth Fairy, and Dave Thomas’s slut of a daughter, Wendy.