BUY IT AT AMAZON: MSRP: $19.99
RATED: Not rated
RUNNING TIME: 554 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES: None
The Pitch
To paraphrase Nick: "This show is F you sideways and thank you for it."
The Humans
John Stamos, Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Lori Loughlin, Candace Cameron, Jodie Sweetin, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.
"And when you’re done cleaning out my stables, Bob, go and pick up my dry cleaning, confrim my appointment at Chuck E. Cheese and then give my twin Chihuahuas their daily pedicures."
"Yes, Ms. Olsen…"
The Nutshell
Danny Tanner (Saget) is a widower father of three young daughters (Cameron, Sweetin, Olsens) that he’s raising with his two best friends, Joey (Coulier) and Jesse (Stamos), who live with him in San Francisco. With Joey’s wife (Loughlin) and their mopheaded twins also living there, the Tanner residence is overflowing with love, happiness, sweetness and family comedy hijinks. Which is exactly why it must be destroyed and everyone associated with it put in Jigsaw’s "Rack" torture device from Saw III one by one.
The Lowdown
I heartily urge you to refresh yourself with my review of Season 6 of Full House here. I did my utmost to rip this show a new one. I savaged it. I gave it the lowest score of any review I’ve ever given anything in over 200 reviews for this site. It’s my sincerest hope that the original negatives and any digital copies of this show be rocketed into the sun and anyone who liked this show who’s over the age of 10 burn their retinas out staring at said event. I came up with every ornery, hateful and just outright bad thing I could say about the show because it deserves it, a thousand times over. I even thought about outsourced insulting things to say about the show to India, because that’s how much I care about sending this show straight to hell on an express one way ticket.
"Just remember, Ashley – "
"I’m Mary-Kate."
"Mary-Kate, sorry. Just remember, that when the show is over, people are going to try to take advantage of you because of your wealth and innocence and – "
"Are you asking to become my manager, John?"
"Well I think with my experience and due to the nature of our friendshsip – "
"Forget it. But I will be needing a pool man."
"I’ll take it…"
Upon refreshing myself with my own review, I noticed that I didn’t comment too much on the plots of Season 6. Why? because I got caught up with just driving a stake into the heart of Full House, and screw it, this show isn’t worthy of plot synopses. It’s not worthy of swimming in raw sewage. Strike that, it is raw sewage. The foulest thing ever on TV. I’d watch Jimmy Swaggart reruns naked, covered in knife slashes with a salt drip over my head and hanging over a barbecue pit before I’d give this show a moment of my time in trying to describe even one episode’s plot. The hell with that. And why would I? Every episode had virtually the same set up: one of the kids does something stupid yet sweet and funny, Danny is usually the last to know about it, Joey is busy with some side issue unerringly yet inexplicably involving the need for a lame cartoon voice, Jesse is flailing around with some music career issue or wife issue or his own twin moppets issue and by the time the A-story is hashed out, Danny gives the girls some fatherly advice about right and wrong, hugs all around, cue laugh track and heartwarming music, cut to credits and trip to deposit stomach contents to nearest toilet.
"Here’s this week’s script: the kids look gut-wrenchingly adorable, Dave will do an insufferable cartoon voice, John, you do your best to look like Jon Bon Jovi, and I’ll give my ‘gosh, gee whiz’ reaction to whatever idiotic yet preciously cute thing the kids do. Okay, let’s get set for rehearsals…"
Is Full House the only sitcom to ever insult us with this formula of whoring out the kid(s)’ cuteness? Hell no. Diff’rent Strokes, Webster, and a thousand others over the years were also repeat offenders. Is Full House the absolute worst of the bunch? You bet your first born it was. If you’ve ever shown this show to your kids, I’m calling Child Welfare Services on your ass for child abuse. Why in God’s name would you do that? Is it your intention to raise the the next generation of Olsen Twin / Lindsay Lohan / Britney-worshipping airheaded morons? Because almost assuredly this show is the wellspring from which a considerable amount of retardation in this country – no the world – has emerged. Retardation isn’t a genetic or prenatal developmental condition. It comes from repeated viewings of Full House.
"Thank God, I just booked that seat filler job after the show ends…"
Why, David? Why do you hate this show with such venomous bile? Because it deserves it. For my money, Full House is Lymangood tripped up in a bike and I’m Grundeltus barrelling toward it with my car. Any show that portrays this level of sheer saccharin stupidity deserves whatever horrible thing you can think about it, say about it, or do about it. Me? I can alert the world about the evil standing before it by reviewing it on a website.
"Okay", you may ask. "David hates this show because it deserves it. But what did it do to deserve it?" Funny you should ask. Its reasons are legion, but let me pick a few good ones out of the bunch. The lowest common denominator of hackneyed, forcible rape-method of family goodness. The kind of things the Religious Right program to their offspring A Clockwork Orange-style. The kids are just SOOOOOOOOO cute. They’re SOOOOOOOOO adorable. They’re SOOOOOOOOO precious. They SOOOOOOOOO inspire vasectomies….
Can’t…stand…cuteness…must…fight…must…get…away…warn…others…
And the adults of the show are just the most cleverly written – and I mean David Mamet if David Mamet did family sitcom writing – characters in the history of television. If there isn’t a funnier guy on TV than David Coulier as Joey, with his dead on – and I mean dead on – cartoon impressions, then I’m Mel Blanc’s proctologist. Goddamn, I’m just in stitches with every Popeye or Bullwinkle voice rendition. I’m wetting myself just thinking of it. And shave me with a weed wacker if Bob Saget as Danny isn’t just the wisest, bestest TV dad like, ever. Fred MacMurray? F him. Ozzie Nelson? He was a pedophile compared to Bob Saget. As for Stamos’ Jesse? Well it beats the hell out of me why Billy Ray Cyrus is making TV shows instead of making music these days. Mullet Rock is just poised for a comeback. Poised I tell you.
"My dog needs walking. Who’s available?"
Entire cast: "ME! ME! ME! Ms. Olsen, over here!! PICK ME! I LOVE ANIMALS!! ME!!! MEEE!!!"
Friends, if you’re absolutely feenin’ for the urge to buy this show, then might I suggest an alternative: gather some glass shards, frappe them, take anally. The result will be the same. This show was a bleeding ass.
The Package