Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Installment Two.
Installment Three.
Installment Four.
Installment Five.
Installment Six.
Installment Seven.
Message Board Discussion.
Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.
I
would love to own everything in this week’s Bulge, but every last one
of them is simply too expensive. Especially considering that aside from
the last entry none of these are vital to our continued survival on
this world.
1. Call Godzilla! Or Orkin!
Godzilla vs. Biollante is a terrific later effort in the Heisei [Nerd Alert!]
series of Godzilla films, one which I’ve had to buy a crappy import of
because Miramax cannot be bothered to release it on DVD here in the
States. Biollante is a hybrid of Godzilla… and a flower. It’s better
than it sounds. The film ends where a clown squirts Godzilla in the
face with Biollante pinned to his lapel.
Biollante is a jacked up plantosaur who is also a statement on pollution. The subtext of Biollante involves pollen.
You can have The Host. I’ll take Godzilla vs. Biollante.
There
is a stuffed effigy of Biollante because why the fuck not? Godzilla
goes through highs and lows in popularity and it’s nice to see the
characters getting a little love right around the same time my almost
four year old daughter worships all things relating to Godzilla. Best
part? Once she gets tired of them I can have them!
Biollante
costs more than a bottle of whisky. But he’s still adorable and a
must-own for fans of plant beings fueled by asexual radioactive reptile
DNA.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- The manufacturer assures us that the stuffing in Biollante’s tendrils were inserted by malnourished kids.
- Biollante, contrary to popular belief, is not an Italian-American.
- There’s
a large group of TOHO executives who argued that Biollante would be
considerably more menacing with Godzilla’s lower torso powering a
vicious flower head with sharp flower teeth.
2. Swing Away, Merrick.I play on a handful of softball teams and many of
my Saturdays are spent toiling in the Georgia heat playing tournaments
all over the state with our highly competetive team, X-Factor. I’m a
pretty solid player and bat in the lower two spots in the order, which
should indicate the quality of the team. We recently won the finals of
the ISA tournament in Georgia and for that YOU. ARE. WELCOME.
I’m
a big supporter of Easton bats. For two years I swung a Synergy 2
decked out with skulls [my contribution] and it’s been an amazing bat
which makes me a much more powerful force of nature than my own Kali
given abilities allow. As the bat wore down I moved to the Easton
Synergy Flex, which is more of a line-drive type of bat in my hands
[teammate Nick Deckon hits the ball so hard it smacks St. Peter in the
nuts] but was ready for action right out of the gate [a lot of
meatheads smack the bats against telephone poles to break them in
before game use but I don’t because it seems like a monetary risk and
it’s racist towards telephone poles]. I dig it lots.
With that
said, this new Easton bat would easily be in my bag [which features a
Mizuno Crush 2 and an Orange Easton Stealth, for softball nerds to
mull] if it didn’t cost three bills. Featuring the Brett Helmer
branding [he’s apparently a softball player], this one would make DJ
Qualls a slugger. Then again, it’s softball… a sport most guys think
is for fat co-workers in beer leagues. Au Contraire…
Now imagine The Elephant Man playing softball.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Contrary to popular belief, the Indians were wiped out by Al Capone and one of these.
- Some people find it farfetched that Joaquin Phoenix whipped the ass of an alien invasion with swung wood.
- This bat takes the morning train.
- Robert Redford is such a big fan of The West Coast Avengers that he named his bat ‘Wonder Man’ in Another The Natural (coming next Summer).
- One of these would make short work of a baby.
3. The Bubonic Plague.
The one that got away.
I
don’t regret the women who I could have had [it’s a short list I’m
sure] but I sorta do regret not knowing when Gentle Giant released
their gorgeous Bubo the Owl statue. That’s not meant to be nerdy. It’s
meant to say that I like my disease free dick. And magical owls.
This
little gentleman is a bit cost prohibitive these days but I still feel
the need to showcase it here because Bubo is one of the many aspects of
Clash of the Titans
I love unreservedly. In fact, I love almost everything about that film,
still one of only a handful of my youth’s fantasy efforts I can still
stomach. Bubo may be an R2-D2 wannabe but there’s something about him
that makes him special. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t need sudden
rocket thrusters to give him lift. Plus, he survived Harry Hamlin.
Either
way, this is a really nice conversation piece [unless you’re Marlee
Matlin, then it’s a mnonvehashun hiece] for any desk, bookshelf, or
Howie Long’s head.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- I
don’t know about you, but I ain’t fuckin’ waiting around to find out of
the giant I’ve stumbled across is a gentle giant. I have a two-step
policy about giants and it involves pissing my run pants pissing and
runpissing. It can be gentle a few miles behind me for all I care. - Retailers merchandized this item with all of their other owl memorabilia.
- Let’s say they made 2,000 of these. You think maybe 2 or 3 of them found their way into a pussy?
- The above was a conservative estimate.
4. Tapped Out.I’m sure
that Ebay is doing brisk business on autographed Gregory Hines
memorabilia. Partially because owning something Gregory has touched is
a fetish rivaled only by ball gags and asshole plugs, but also because
the only thing Gregory is signing these days is boxes of Afterlife
Chips*.
On auction right now, branded with the word "BEEFCAKE" in big letters, is the autographed incarnation of the amazing and hot still you see to the right of this amazing and hot text [Verdana, 10, you’re welcome].
Now, don’t get me wrong. When I think of BEEFCAKE, two names come to mind and both are Miles O’Keefe.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Gregory Hines is survived by Renée Soutendijk, but those fuckin’ tables were turned in Eve of Destruction weren’t they? He stomped that bitch!
- I
think Greg would agree with me on this, is BEEFCAKE really a
compliment? All that work and ‘roids and someone calls you a fleshy
baked item? Is that an appealing word? If someone called me BEEFCAKE
I’d poundcake them into different geometry. Then, I’d eat a STUD MUFFIN. - The director of Eve of Destruction was Duncan Gibbins. If he and Gregory fell in love and married, the auteur could have been Duncan Hines. HOLY SLUMP.
- Who’s waiting to exhale now?