Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Installment Two.
Installment Three.
Message Board Discussion.
Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.
1. Mr. Shark E. Tinguy, ESQ.
Just in time for both Halloween and your office’s new policy regarding casual shark clothes arrives what I believe is the only costume widely available where someone is always dying. Walk around your home, town, or the sea wearing this and you’ll be both the talk of the town and the victim of 70’s Saturday Night Live impersonations no one needs. Though suspension of disbelief may be needed to accept a machine washable tailless Great White shark as the real deal at least it doesn’t get a bunch of people killed in a burning nightclub.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- You’ll remember a similar costume from your childhood called the Mama Cass was Starving.
- That’s Robert DeNiro modeling the costume.
- The dorsal fin is way out of proportion and the pectoral fins are supposed to be a little more downward angled. Also, the creature is typically made from flesh and lives horizontally in the sea.
- You’ll be the talk of the office if you wear this on Halloween. You’ll also be the fired of the office.
- Fuck Halloween. Buy this and wear it to a parent/teacher conference.
- Sharks can smell a drop of blood in a million gallons of water. Or Sissy Spacek’s shattered hymen.
2. The St. Mary’s Fairy!We’ve given it love HERE and HERE and countless other places over the course of this site’s life but folks still don’t seem to appreciate Heaven Help Us, the most underappreciated [The Sure Thing coming in second]teen comedy of the 80’s. Also of interest is that it’s the place where Kevin Dillon showcased the same comic knack he has become a big star over on Entourage. Good laughs, some heart, and a true look at the Catholic school way of life in the mid 60’s and beyond makes it a must own. Also, it’s one of the few films where Stephen Geoffreys doesn’t take a man’s dick in his person.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- I went to Catholic school for the 5th grade. They were REALLY strict. When they said you were going to eat the body of Christ… you ate the body of Christ. Next time you eat some chicken remember this: tastes like savior.
- Andrew McCarthy hasn’t been in many films since he was ground up and used as the cure for insomnia.
- Stephen Geoffreys went into gay porn, but not because he’s gay. He just likes sitting on boners.
- Patrick Dempsey is a big star. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
- The fat fuck from this played the fat fuck in Emmerich’s Godzilla.
3. Delicious Skins.This CD has gotten so much usage in my car this year it isn’t funny. Stanton Moore’s one of the best jazz drummers on Earth, having mixed it up with the band Galactic, his own many projects, Robert Walter [whose Money Shot is an equally great CD], and even Corrosion of Conformity. A badass. III is his latest solo project, sort of a love note to his hometown of New Orleans but also a nice mixture of the funky experimental stuff he’s known for and the more traditional stuff. He, Walter, Skerik, and a host of other super talented musicians make for one of the more entertaining and accessible jazz albums in a long time. For folks who hate jazz this is a godsend. For folks who love jazz, this is a godsend. And damn does he tear ass on the drums on Big ‘Uns Get the Ball Rolling.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- If Stanton had quit practicing after his second lesson and had tits he’d be playing with Jack White.
- A guy in my high school used to wear a ‘Drummers do it with Rhythm’ t-shirt every day. I bet that shirt smelled so bad he named his cat Rhythm. ‘Cause the girls were smelling something they didn’t need.
- Don’t let the sissafrass cover art scare you away. His drums bear skins made from the Earthly remains of DeForest Kelly.
- Don’t give this CD to Johnny. He hates Jazz.
4. Sometimes a Shit Takes You.This is the kind of stuff they ought to sell at IKEA. I love the idea of having guests come over to have a nice time and upon going into the shitting room finding a beast waiting under their ass or balls, as the situation warrants. This is not an item to buy to keep clean because inevitably there’s going to be a substance on it but that should never dissuade a buyer. Better yet, imagine a soused patron rushing to the bathroom to vomit only to have the puke scared back inside and out through the ass or balls, as the situation warrants. A prank is a great investment if it results in a friend puking shit through their balls.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- This replaces the older model, which shot flaming arrows out when you opened the lid.
- Is it just me or does the creature look a little like Nikki Cox in the eyes?
- This prank can backfire. A shitrusher could ruin your day. Guys who are already turning and shitting as the pants go down? The door’s not even closed and they’re spinning into a shitting. Could be a nasty job for you or your indentured servant if they shit in the green ghoul’s eye.
- The urinal model is less effective.