Where the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the myriad material things worth owning and loving.

Good day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection]. Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself, some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those people, I present this new subcolumn. Today, the target is upcoming DVD releases.

http://chud.com/nextraimages/dvdall.jpg1. Fuckin’ Alligator!

Well it’s about damn time. The gleefully fun and somewhat campy John Sayles/Lewis Teague/Robert Forster joint is finally coming to DVD, something I thought wouldn’t happen. I still have the VHS copy I bought of this sucker with what I believe was my first ever Ebay transaction. Though the cover art sucks here (remember that classy and moody artwork from the VHS?) it’s so nice to finally see this sucker in the digital format and though I can’t find word of the special features, as long as the titular eater still wrecks a wedding I’m satiated. This is one of those flicks that time has most certainly made its bitch, but many of us harbor a midnight movie love for it and how can you not support a John Sayles scripted killer animal movie? Well, aside from Silver City…

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • This film will reside on the shelf between A Life Less Ordinary and All the President’s Men in my collection and directly above Julian Sands’ Spring Break Unrated.

  • Alligators are actually vegetarians and should you run amok of one in the Everglades you should slice your wrists and jump at it in an a ball somewhat smaller than the open mouth of the creature. This will ensure your safety.

  • People often tape their [alligators] mouths shut because the muscles that open their mouths are much weaker than the ones they use to bite down. This is contrary to humans, where the strongest muscles are the ones used to apply pressure to the working man.

  • Alligators are in fact a member of the insect kingdom as evidenced by their sweet nighttime songs.

  • Henry Silva appears in this film despite the fact he brings nightmares to children by facial appearance alone.

  • Director Lewis Teague would later make Cujo and launch the Oscar and box office heavy career of little Danny Pintauro, whose name in Aramaic means "Daniel of the Bizarre Hatchback".

  • Robert Forster would parlay his role here into very few things people watched. That said, he is the best thing about Jackie Brown and the man who kept the evil Dr. Reinhardt from taking over.


BUY THIS HUNK!

http://chud.com/nextraimages/dvddeadly.jpg2. Deadly Fuckin’ Friend



I think Wes Craven is a dreadful filmmaker, which means I’ll be working with him on a project in the near future. Most of his output is just not all that good though I do have a soft spot for The Serpent and the Rainbow. I also have a soft spot for girls with perfect bodies that want my seed. For some reason, I always bemoaned the fact that Deadly Friend was never released on video, Craven’s little "boy falls for cyborg girl who hates the polulace" ditty. It’s not a good movie but it has moments. Basketball moments. Kristy Swanson moments. Girl was and is truly stunning to look at. That said, her Playboy spread may me want to delete Photoshop from my hard drive. Finally the wait is over and Deadly Friend is upon us and perfectly timed with the start of the NBA preseason!

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • This film was not the first film to feature a killing by thrown basketball. That distinction goes to the early talkie Birth of a Nation 2: Blacks are Possibly Overrated.

  • Mrs. Jasmine Friend saw this poster in the marquee prior to the film’s release and for a moment began to mourn the non-death of her husband Lee.

  • Rumor has it that Marvel Comics created the Spider-Man villain Kraven the Hunter after the director of this film and many others. They came to the current name after their legal team decided Craven the Fucked Filmmaker was a little too overt.

  • Kristy Swanson parlayed this role into a hilarious Charlie Sheen Movieline interview.

  • Despite suffering from the disease redundantletteritis, Matthew Laborteaux continues to find actng work.

  • Amazon reader Jan Nielsen "Amazon Lover" sums it up best when he says:

    "I am so happy that deadly driend
    is commeing out on
    dvd krist swanson
    is so gorgeous
    thanks"



  • To prepare for the role, Kristy Swanson rode around with actual cyborgs, which was convenient because actual cyborgs were already riding around with Kristy Swanson to prepare for being better cyborgs.

http://chud.com/nextraimages/dvdfrom.jpg3. From Fuckin’ Beyond!



I took Dr. Pretorius at his word that humans are such easy prey and I’ll be damned… he was right! From Beyond is many things to many people. An H.P. Lovecraft adaptation. A romantic "how to" video. A cure for palsy. To me it is all that and more, an exquisite bundle of horror and dread server piping hot through the lens and lovely brain of Stuart Gordon complete with extended pineal glands and the heaving bosums of Barbara Crampton. It’s hampered by budget and not as fun as Re-Animator but it’s still loaded with good stuff and Ken Foree’s presence adds to an already fun group of genre veterans. A must buy, especially in this director’s cut incarnation.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • The H.P. in H.P. Lovecraft, once thought to stand for Howard Phillips, actually is a nickname given to the author because of his affinity for Hot Pockets.

  • Jeffrey Combs uses a hairbrush.

  • Some of the monsters in this film were actually special effects creations, much to the chagrin of the caretakers of Beast Zoo, San Diego.

  • To prepare for his role, Ken Foree did push-ups while watching Timerider on Video Disc.

  • Because of this film’s fan base, the web domain pinealglandstakemetovictory.gov is spoken for.

  • This film struggled to make it to the DVD format because it’s so fucking good.

http://chud.com/nextraimages/dvdtwi.jpg4. Twilight Zone: The Movie Fuckin’



I was so jazzed about this movie before its release that I nearly joined Rod Serling in an early tomb. The result was stunning back then but rather mundane today but the film still has sentimental value despite its many flaws. Among those flaws, not the fine work of elfin Christine Nigra, a child actor who sadly zenith’d with Cloak & Dagger [available never for your Atari 5200]. John Lithgow’s trembling face on the airplane still brings back percussive memories of my youth where games of kick the can, wing gremlin, and dodge the helicopter were the order of the day. It’s one of the quintessential 80’s horror flicks that we defend despite lack of supporting evidence to do so. Also a Quintessential, the Orca.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • The DVD sadly does not include the segment they shot but never released involving Annette O’Toole making sex with a Cosmic Dream Worm.

  • The release of this DVD is timed to take advantage of Golden Earring’s 45th anniversary as a band we had no idea made more than one song.

  • The beast on the wing of the plane was played by Thandie Newton.

  • Scatman Crothers was bald by choice.

  • Kathleen Quinlan’s work here did nothing to prepare me for the hard ons I sustained while watching her frolic in the nude in The Doors.

  • Vic Morrow decided not to record a commentary track for this DVD.


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