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STUDIO: Lionsgate
MSRP: $26.98
RATED: R
RUNNING TIME: 90 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES: None
The Pitch
It’s American Pie meets America’s Funniest Home Videos.
The Humans
Brendan Fehr, Chris Klein, Cobie Smulders, Craig Fairbrass, Chandra West.
*Chortle* Oh my! *snicker* You don’t think he’d *guffaw* actually run out of toilet paper do you?! *dies from laughter*
The Nutshell
Uptight ad exec Ed Waxman’s (Fehr) life is in a tailspin after his girlfriend dumps him and marries his former best friend. Ed, who grew up shooting anything and everything under the sun with his video camera and archiving all of the footage, tends to see life in the endless video clips that are reminiscent of America’s Funniest Home Videos. This had formerly served him well in his advertising job, but since he got dumped, his work has suffered to the point where, unless he can come up with a brilliant campaign to save a big account, he’s getting axed. But just as important, Ed is desperate to get laid. Fortunately / unfortunately, Ed’s poon hound brother, Cooper (Klein), is on a mission to help Ed with his latter predicament, and takes him on one long disastrous hook up binge all weekend.
"You know, we could get in big trouble for this."
"Don’t worry, this is Cardinal Mahoney’s turf."
"Oh right…"
The Lowdown
The Long Weekend is a dumb, crude, painfully by-the-numbers exercise that, according to IMDB and the release date on Amazon, sat on a shelf for two years. Both Fehr and Klein’s characters, as the sexually inept lovable loser and his shallow, mackin’ older brother respectively, are as thin as a Nicole Richie x-ray. You can see how the story begins and how it’s going to end well before the halfway point is reached and it pulls all of the same shenanigans that The 40-Year-Old Virgin did, only nowehere near as good. There’s very little that’s original with The Long Weekend and you’ve seen this movie a dozen times over, particularly in the American Pie series. Yet despite all of that, I found it watchable and not entirely unenjoyable. It’s got a slim likeability and thankfully, it plays its jokes out in a nice, solid R-rating rather than going for a soft PG-13.
And yet, Tom Sizemore still got rug burn…
In comparison to the American Pie movies, Behr is straight out of the Jason Biggs mold in his portrayal of Ed. He’s tight-assed, depressed, has zero luck with women, and finds himself in highly compromising situations. These include running out of toilet paper after a serious evacuation of the sphincter while on a hot date, or propositioning a single mother at a horse ranch by inadvertently laying innuendo to her daughter about a horse with a two foot stiffy. Meanwhile, Klein switches gears and plays the Stifler role, as Cooper Waxman, the oversexed actor wannabe who has no problem jumping into a vertical smile, but has a problem getting serious about his life and career. Cooper takes his brother on a 48-hour muff hunt that finds them at a model’s funeral masquerading as priests, talking to a hot racist in a launderomat, getting front row seats to a stripper with a sweater for a bikini line, and unfortunate scenarios in a gym and a bar.
"So kid, do you like to ride…?"
This movie telegraphs its plot like a Navy communications officer and borrows from every crude-humored R-rated sex romp movie under the sun. It actually throws in fart jokes just for the fuck of it, and there’s definitely good reasons why it collected dust for two years before being released. But once you make piece with that, and don’t expect much above the low brow humor suppository you know it’s going to slap on the latex and feed you anally, you might, just might, be able to not hate it.
The Package
No goodies whatsoever.