I have 460 movies in my Netflix Instant queue. I tend to watch one thing for every five that I add, but now my library is close to being full and I have to make room. So, every Monday I’m going to pick a random movie out of my queue and review the shit out of it. But (like Jesus), I’m also thinking of you and your unwieldy queue and all the movies in it you want to watch but no longer have the time to now that you’ve become so awesome and popular. Let me know what has been gathering digital dust in your Netflix Instant library and I’ll watch that, too. One Monday for you and the next for me and so on. Let’s get to it.

Howdy folks!  I’m Michael Rabattino, and you might remember me from such film websites as CHUD.com, and….CHUD.com.  The column is back after a bit of a hiatus, and I’ll be sitting in for Jared again this week, and maybe some other weeks in the future.  The far-off future, when there will be flying cars and hoverboards and such.  2015, in other words!

What’s the movie?  Chillerama (2011)

What’s it rated?  Unrated for abdomen penetration, Nazi dismemberings, and premature ejaculation.

So this happened…

Did people make it?  With their bare hands and cocks.  Directed by Adam Rifkin.  Written by Adam Rifkin (segment Wadzilla), Tim Sullivan (segment I Was a Teenage Werebear), Adam Green (The Diary of Anne Frankenstein), and Joe Lynch (segment Zom-B-Movie).  Acted by Adam Rifkin, Lin Shaye, Ray Wise, Richard Riehle, Eric Roberts

What’s it like in one sentence?  It’s like the leftovers of several decades (50s, 60s, 70s) of horror/sci-fi films, put into a blender and jumbled up until something disgusting and vile and tasteless and somehow fun and hilarious came out.  And it’s also like being on the set of a Peter North film.

Why did you watch it?  A good friend kept recommending it and telling me that it had to be seen to be believed.  And hell, Halloween is right around the corner and I’m trying to watch as much scary or weird stuff as I can.

Way better than his “Jump to Conclusions” mat.

What’s it about in one paragraph?  An old drive-in movie theater is opening for the very last night, and it’s going out with a bang.  Its longtime proprietor Cecil Kaufman (Richard Riehle), a widower devastated by loneliness, decides that as his and his theater’s last hurrah he would screen 4 different never before seen films for the patrons of the drive-in, and it’s presented to us in anthology style a la Twilight Zone: The Movie.  Wad-Zilla is about a rampaging sperm wreaking havoc on the city of New York.  I Was a Teenage Werebear is a gay werebear bikini beach party musical with S&M outfits.  I can’t believe I actually just typed that.  The Diary of Anne Frankenstein portrays Hitler as a mad scientist in the vein of Dr. Frankenstein who creates a Jewish monster.  And Zom-B-Movie focuses on the sex-crazed patrons of said drive-in movie theater, slowly devolving into a murderous zombie orgy.  It’s fun for the whole family!

Play or remove from my queue?  Go ahead and play the ever-loving shit out of this.  It’s far from perfect and has some pretty bad effects at times, but that’s mostly on purpose.  It’s the most wholesale insanity you can get in 2 hours and it’s so tasteless and offensive that parts really do have to be seen to be believed.  But it’s mostly worth your time.  The segments are as follows:

Wad-Zilla–  I found this to be just plain hilarious, setting the tone for the film for the most part with a definite Little Shop of Horrors vibe going on.  A man with a low sperm count (Adam Rifkin, the director of the film) is prescribed by his doctor (Ray Wise) a drug that will increase his sperm count.  Unfortunately, what it actually does is increase the size of his sperm.  He discharges a very big sperm and his doctor tells him to discontinue the drug immediately, and that he must jerk off in order to ease the pain this is causing.  A sperm that comes out of him gets away and then becomes bigger and bigger as it destroys parts of New York.  Then something happens with the Statue of Liberty that really has to be seen to be believed (DAT ASS).  It’s all pretty crazy, and pretty disgusting in spots.  The money shot (come on, I had to) at the very end would make Peter North proud.

Buster Poindexter has really let himself go…

I Was A Teenage Werebear– To me, this was pretty terrible.  Maybe you liked it, but then again I’ve never been a big fan of men with hairy faces wearing S&M gear raping freely in a shower.  It can be best described as “boy meets girl, girl meets car, boy gets bit in the ass, boy becomes werebear, boy jerks off to Ron Jeremy in a magazine”.  It’s certainly worth checking out just for the sheer absurdity of it, but it’s merely a detour on the way to…

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein–  This is the best segment of the film, for sure, and it’s made worthwhile by the fact that Hitler (played by Joel David Moore) is absolutely hilarious, with excellent comedic timing by Moore and excellent one-liners (“NOT THE PUPPIES!!”) strewn throughout the segment.  Hitler basically decides to reanimate the body parts of the Jews he is murdering and he creates a monster which he wants to train to be his super-soldier.  He hilariously commands him to kill his own soldiers until he himself becomes the target of this monsters.  I won’t spoil what happens to Hitler, but it’s pretty gruesome and hilarious.

Zom-B-Movie– This is basically the patrons of the drive-in theater becoming zombies, focusing on several main characters trying to survive it.  The zombies are fornicating everywhere, and there are even shots of guys humping random body parts and lactating zombie breasts and torn genitals.  It’s everything you want in a film.  Definitely the second best segment of the film, for me.  There are some loving nods to many of the greatest one-liners in film history.

At its best it’s a very well-made (except for some of those special effects…*insert Sideshow Bob trembling sound*) piece of trash, but it’s an endearing piece of trash with a memorable nod to drive-in cinema culture and B and monster movie history.  It’s almost always nonsensical but when a film sets out to do something and doesn’t veer away from its purpose, it’s something to be commended.  It’s for those people who just want a gross-out without having to fire up those brain cells beforehand.

Do you have a favorite line?  “TEAM NAZI…LET’S ROLL!  WE’VE GOT WORK TO DO!”

Do you have an interesting fun-fact?  The film was originally conceived as an anthology film inspired and licensed by the popular magazine Famous Monsters of Filmland, but that eventually fell through.

What does Netflix say I’d like if I like this?  That feature doesn’t seem to be working.  Odd…

What does Michael say I’d like if I like this?  There’s really nothing this can be compared to.  I tried.

What is Netflix’s best guess for Michael?  3.1

What is Michael’s best guess for Michael?  3.0

Can you link to the movie?  Here you go…just stay away from the werebear showers.

Any last thoughts?  This is definitely worth your time, but I don’t know that it’s really worth more than one viewing.  I hated House, though…so fuck me, right?!

Did you watch anything else this week?  The latest episodes of Homeland, Dexter, Walking Dead, Sons of Anarchy, Boardwalk Empire etc. (Television is too damn good), From a Whisper to a Scream (also known as The Offspring…it’s on Netflix and it’s not bad as far as horror anthologies go), The Cabin in the Woods (my 2nd viewing.  Does anyone else think the film loses a lot on the second viewing?), and I’m having a hard time remembering what else.

Next week?  Not too sure yet…leave your suggestions in the comments!

‘Nuff said.